His Taj Mahal

John and Susan travel the world. One day he was telling me about a trip throughout India they had taken. When he began to tell me about the Taj Mahal tears sprang to his eyes. "Just think," he said, "A man loved a woman so much he built that for her. It's so beautiful, you can't imagine."

When he shared that with me, I realized how very much he loved his wife. Yet we were talking because he was frustrated concerning their interaction. Both John and Susan have been seeking to live more spiritually for a little while now, but like all of us, demonstrating spiritual principles in our relationships is the challenge.

I suggested to John that day that he and Susan needed to become emotionally safe for each other. The need to be able to express to each other what we think, feel, and believe without fearing a reaction is tantamount to happy communion. I instructed John to state what he was thinking or feeling to Susan adding, "But you don't need to change. I just need to say what I think."

The next time I saw John and Susan, it seemed to me they looked happier. John beamed at me. "I've been doing what you said. I pray every day that Susan won't change, and I tell her!" I swallowed. Things were obviously so much better between the two of them I hesitated to tweek it. We talked a few more times before I told him he had added a little twist to what I'd actually said. I'm talking to Susan too, and I hope she will change (with God's help) -- the things she wants to change to become a more loving partner.

I told John, "The thing is, if she changes, you won't care -- because you no longer need her to change." Then I thought about it. John had, in fact, loved his wife so much he had been willing to pray that God not change her. I was struck dumb! He had understood the underlying spiritual principle of all spiritual acts: love without one condition. He was willing to sacrifice all that he might want from his wife that she would feel loved.

"John," I said, my own heart full, "That prayer is your Taj Mahal."

TO SPEAK OR NOT TO SPEAK

If you want more intimate relationships, you must issue the invitation. A therapist once told me: a relationship can only go as deep as YOU will allow it.

Women often tell me that the men they fall for avoid intimacy, perhaps are incapable of sharing their feelings. The fact is that if you so chose, you may be afraid of real intimacy yourself. In that case, you may share your feelings and thoughts looking for agreement and validation. When little is given in return, or there is disagreement, you have proven to yourself that the other person has a problem, and gained an excuse to avoid vulnerability in future.

Healthy relationships are grown slowly. The first step is to be willing to responsible for your part, for what you bring into the relationship. I am a whole person entitled to my own opinions and beliefs; you are a whole person likewise entitled. I want to express this as, "I would like to be able to tell you whatever I think, feel, or believe without your having to respond in any way. You don't have to agree, change my mind, fix me, or change anything concerning yourself because of what I say."

You may have to reiterate the above from time to time, to remind the other person and in a recommitment to do your part to make it emotionally safe for him/her to also speak freely. I can keep myself safe when someone delivers information that is hard to hear, such as a criticism or anything I didn't want to hear, even "I'm just not that into you." I may have overwheming feelings at times of rejection, being misunderstood, being unlovable, embarrassed, but I am responsible to manage my feelings in a way that does not involve debasing another. Maybe I will just have to put my hand up and ask for a break in the conversation for the moment while I compose myself.

Some of us talk too much. Words come too easily and without enough thought of how they will be received. A wise woman said, "When I think I have to say something, I probably don't. When I don't want to say something, that is probably when I have to garner my courage and say it."

Another woman I know is a very good listener, very safe for her lover to spill his thoughts out all over the place. She hears without judgment. She doesn't take it personally, nor feel she has to change what she thinks, nor what she chooses to do. She does take into consideration what he has to say.

What this latter woman finds extremely difficult to do is claim her rightful place in the relationship. She avoids speaking what she thinks. She knows his reaction will possibly be monumental. I think you know what I mean. She would rather not deal with it. After all, nothing will change for her having spoken up, or so she thinks. If this relationship is to go any deeper, I ask this woman to trust herself to take care of herself WHEN she talks about what she thinks, feels, believes. She can say anything at all to him, because she is not saying it to change him in any way. That is the way people communicate in a healthy relationship. As she is willing to do so, she is preparing the nest of relationship as a safe haven for both.

As long as you are in a relationship, it is never too late to build more intimacy. If you have been the one talking, please work on becoming a better listener, on allowing autonomy for both. If you have been the one accused of never "communicating", start today. Stick with "I"statements, and no matter what your partner says in return, remind yourself that nothing has to change except your becoming a full-partner. Whatever you say, you may repeat what you say just once: "I think, I feel, I believe, I would like, what I want . . ." Give your loved one permission to disagree, to feel differently, to believe contrarily, to say "No".

Something will change if you put these suggestions into operation, I promise. You will feel empowered, and you will have taken the first steps into real love and intimacy.

HOW TO LIVE HAPPILY WITH OTHERS

These are my husband's Crocs sitting on the patio. They made me smile. A number of years ago when Al was often in the yard working on the new landscape we had planted, when he came in he would leave his shoes on the porch, in front, or on the back deck. He never brought them in. Sometimes he would leave them on the mat, so if you went out you either stepped on them or over them.

Early on I would say, "Honey, you left your shoes outside, do you want me to bring them in?" He would sigh, get up, grab the shoes and drop them right inside the door. I remember saying on another occasion, "Honey, when you leave your shoes right in the path I either have to step on them or over them." He responded as if I'd yelled at him, jumping up, grabbing the shoes and throwing them to the side. These kind of responses don't make sense to me, though it is obvious that no matter how I broached this matter it made him feel like I was a critical parent.

When I don't know what to do, I ask myself how I can be most loving until the way becomes clear. I let the shoes pile up! I let go of caring about it no matter how inconvenienced I felt when the shoes were in my way. As one of my teachers, Greg Baer, says, "You can live with it and love it, or you can live with it and hate it, or you can leave." Those are your only choices. I was hating it -- and that is not how I care to live.

When Al would leave on a trip (he's an airline pilot), I would pick up all his shoes, making it a gift by having a loving attitude as I took this task upon myself. But one day, after putting the shoes away, looking out on the empty deck, I thought, "You know, if anything were to happen to Al, those shoes are what I would miss." I never put the shoes away or mentioned them to him again. Now it is just the one pair outside. I love them there.

A HOW-TO ON LOVE

Often, when people consult me about their relationship, they have come to hate the spouse, parent, child, friend, boss. The thought of being so hateful is anathema to most of us, and so we deny it. Almost everyone else can see it or hear it when we are talking about what is going on. We cannot.

What a dilemma! I think the hope is that I will help them to change the other person, or help them have the courage to leave. No one wishes to continue to live miserably. I set them on a different path, one that is not easy, but is seriously tried-and-true.

I believe that what we are all really seeking is to be loved by Someone who knows us intimately -- without asking us to change. When I present the idea, most people agree. If they can accept that they are loved by God in just that way, we can begin. Sometimes I ask, "Who would YOU rather be?" I may ask as well, "What if I said to you that YOU must become more like, or perhaps exactly like this person of whom you despair?"

My conclusion from these conversations is that not only is their a Force in the Cosmos that knows us and loves us unconditionally, but we also love ourselves more than we know. We want to be free of judgment and condemnation, yet we continue to judge and condemn the people whom we ought most to love.

Please don't deny it by minimizing the harm done when you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes, or speak in clipped words, or avoid calling your mother. Label all unloving action for what it is: hateful and spiteful. Now, please drop the blame. As I said to the woman I first helped with her relationship issues, "I'm talking to you alone, not Enrique. If I were talking to him, I could give him this assignment. The good news is you have the power to do these things without his knowing a thing about your efforts. That is how loving unconditionally works."

Many people have put into action a few, simple suggestions (instructions?), and in every case there has been healing -- for them. Many times relationships have ended up so happy as to astound. My own for one. On occasion, after working on what one brings to the relationship and letting go of needing anything in return, someone chooses to divorce, or in some way let the relationship go -- but they have felt they were transformed for their future; they were able to leave in a loving manner.

Do this: Demonstrate loving behavior always, even when it is hard. Lay down all your defenses, including excuses and explanations for your choices. Just stop. You can say what YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU BELIEVE -- just let go of needing something or someone to change because of what you say. You can ASK for what you want (remember, you have no need from others since God, you, and others you may ask can take care of those things). Allow everyone to enjoy these freedoms as well. That means you too can say, "No," no excuse or explanation required.

Speak kindly, and more importantly -- listen without having to respond. Think about what it is you feel you need from your partner, parent, child, friend, co-workers. Figure if it matters to you, YOU can bring it to them.

You may not feel loving right away when you take this spiritual path, but if you turn back, it will be worse for you and those whom you would choose to love. If you do not turn back, though you may have missteps, I PROMISE that you will find complete fulfillment. You will come to understand what God's love really means.

WHAT'S UP WITH KIDS TODAY?

Rhea is beside herself, furious with her daughter.

"Koz, I do everything for her. Do you know I'm paying for her to go to nursing school? I'm a single mother, her dad doesn't help. It's been hard. And then I ask her to do a favor for me, just take care of the dogs for a couple of days while I go visit my friends in Jupiter. She says to me, 'Mom! I can't believe you would ask me to do that! I have so much to do on the weekends just to keep up with the laundry.'"

"I know Kitty, Rhea," I remind her, "She's doing well with her classes. She must be studying hard."

"I never ask her for help. Maybe that's the problem. She takes my helping her for granted. She takes me for granted."

I've worked with Rhea for awhile, so she isn't surprised when I ask if she can afford to do the things she does for Kitty. "Yes," she replies frankly.

"I have enough time, energy AND money to do the things I do for her." She smiles. "And, there are no strings attached. I do what I do because she's my daughter and I love her."

"Hey, girl," I say, "You are a good student. That's how WE love -- unconditionally. Because we can! Because we know God loves us and has given us all we need to take care of ourselves today, right?"

Rhea thinks for a minute, then asks, "There was nothing wrong in my asking her to do a favor for me, was there?"

"Of course not! Remember what I always say?"

"Ask for what you want, and celebrate the "No's!" Rhea is remembering the lessons we've had in our time together over the last year. "I probably need to ask more often."

"Yeah," I laugh, "She might say yes once in awhile -- especially when you don't mind if she says no. In fact, treat her as if she said yes every time. Because you can."

"You know, Koz, I ended up asking a friend if she could watch the boys, and she was happy to do it. She said I can repay her by watering her plants for her the next time she wants to get away."

As she's leaving, Rhea turns back. "So, it would be wrong of me to 'guilt' Kitty over this, huh? You know, a little martyrdom to let her know how I feel?"

"OMG," I throw my hands up, "That's one of the most unloving things you could do, number one! And number two: where has that ever got us?"

Rhea is laughing so hard now, remembering, I imagine, what it used to be like when she and Kitty were always at odds with each other and how miserable with self-pity they both were. They have a very loving relationship today, even if Kitty is pretty self-centered still, she really does appreciate her mom, just not so much she's going to inconvenience herself.

Everyone has the right to make their own choices. We can't always understand another's motives. What we can do is check our own. We can ask ourselves, "Where am I being selfish, self-centered, self-seeking? How am I being dishonest about what I'm seeking here? What am I afraid I'm going to lose or not get? Am I being inconsiderate?" We can take care of ourselves by not putting all our needs on one or a few. I like to think that when my children say no to me, no matter how small the request may seem to be to me, that they are taking care of themselves. That's a healthy behavior I encourage. It's number one in my Basics for Relationship Recovery.

How to Believe and Trust in God

If you want to believe in God, face a problem that is more than you can handle. I grew up with an alcoholic father; I always believed in God. When, at age forty-two, I faced my own alcoholism, my belief in God did not seem to help. I felt like there was no hope or help.

I had to surrender all of my best thinking and follow a program of recovery that others had found made it possible to stop drinking and live happily. Like my father before me, I had stopped drinking many times, sometimes for years at a time. It was the restless, irritable, discontent feeling that defeated me.

I learned something that might seem like common sense to many, but had never seemed possible to me. Each day I could commit myself to living by spiritual principles, principles we call "godly". I was not instantly relieved of my suffering. I had to trust that my life would change. "Don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens," they said.

"Trust that others have followed this path of right-living, and you'll see," they said.

I looked at my life up to that point and felt like I had nothing to lose. It took awhile. I wanted it to be easier. I began to choose to do the "right" thing, make a loving choice in every situation without compromise on the spiritual principles of rigorous honesty, self-responsibility, selfless love rather than to follow my instincts to be selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking. Of course, mistakes and missteps were made; I'm only human. I faced the consequences squarely, admitted my wrongs, and made amends where I could: a new direction.

Somehow along the way, it has got easier. The God of my understanding has evolved from belief to Something More. Trusting the experience of others who walk a spiritual path brought me to trusting God with my life.

BEGIN TO COMMUNICATE

Relationships will improve with a few simple changes in how we speak to and with one another. If you choose to try the suggestions that follow and the communication begins to go poorly, you can stop immediately, and say, "I'm not very good at having hard conversations but I'm trying to learn, because I care about our relationship." Wait a minute.... this might be the best way to begin a difficult talk. Then if it goes badly, repeat it.

Another good phrase to use: "I can tell I just stepped on your feelings, but I promise you I will never do anything to hurt you on purpose. Should I forget, I will take it back and try never to do it again." You can see the importance of complete sincerity here. Perhaps you just realized one reason your communication with others hasn't gone so well in the past. Before you can begin to learn how to speak about issues where you are not in agreement, or when a misunderstanding arises, you must decide to be safe for the people in your life.

When I am coaching others in regard to their relationships, I ask them not to say, "I'm sorry". Those words have been misused so often I think they just bring up a sense of hopelessness on both sides. If you make a mistake and offend, make amends right then: "I regret that," or, "I was wrong," or, "I put that badly."

Examples of defensive behaviors that get in the way of healthy communication: anger, raised voice, explaining, denial, blaming, silent scorn, emotional withdrawal. Are you defensive? Those are survival techniques when we are fearful. You do not need to protect yourself that way once you have begun to let yourself make mistakes and admit to them. Those whom you love will learn to lay down their defenses, too -- when they feel safe to be themselves, to say whatever they have to say, and to make their own choices.

Take deep breaths when conversations take a heavy tone. Remind yourself of your priority to love one another, not necessarily agree! Smile.

BOUNDARIES

Someone brought up the subject of "boundaries" the other day. I typed basic personal rights and boundaries on my google search engine and several worthwhile sites came up. Following are my thoughts on the subject.

*I have the right to be.

*When I respect myself, others respect me without my saying a word.

*When I honor the boundaries others set, they will find it easier to honor mine.

*Boundaries do not have to be rigid. I can let you come closer when we have built trust over time.

*I can ask for what I want. I can say how your words or behavior make me feel, though I am powerless over your choices, and responsible for my feelings.

Everyone would like to have the ability to express their thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and desires without fear of the response. Isn't it true that if the response or reaction to what you put out there didn't matter, you wouldn't be afraid to speak up, to be honest? Well, guess what. It really doesn't matter.

Try this experiment: Stick with "I" statements only and make a statement to someone about what you think, believe, feel, or would like. Be prepared, because no matter how the other person responds, you are going to act as if whatever he/she says or does is fine with you. You are not going to be caught off-guard, because whether the reply is kind and considerate -- whether you are ignored -- or there is an angry reaction: it is just fine with you. You can expect it, whatever "it" is.

To end the experiment, smile broadly, but say no more.

WILL YOU RECOGNIZE LOVE?

He's loud and argumentative. She is easily frustrated by the behaviors of others. The motto on a pillow "I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas" sits comfortably on her sofa. They are two of my closest friends. I saw what a perfect couple they made long before they decided to marry. They bicker all the time! You just have to close your ears to it. It means nothing. Theirs, I tell them, is a great love affair! They can't see it.

Becky, frankly, was not a loved and nurtured child. Her parents withheld affection, belittled, and demeaned Becky, though I'm certain they did their best. Becky, now forty-eight, struggles to enjoy her own family. Her husband Ed has two boys, young teens. Becky became pregnant with her daughter when she was forty years old. Ed came along when Becky's little girl was a toddler. There is so much love in this family. I adore spending time with them.

Ed, for all his loud, gruff talk, means only the best for his family. He shows love by working hard to give to them materially. He's very ill right now undergoing treatment for hepatitis-C, and may need a liver transplant in future. Nevertheless, he recently took his family to Disney World. He worries and tells Becky and the kids there is nothing to worry about. He knows his wife's shortcomings, but she doesn't have to change a thing. He simply loves and cares for her.

Becky doesn't think she has a good marriage. How could she say otherwise with all the conflict and yelling going on? She's overwhelmed by the responsibility of motherhood. I see how much she loves her family in the way she works so hard to make their home attractive, in her giving the children everything she thinks a well-loved child would have, in the way she believes in her husband's abilities, and in how she hates his suffering. They all drive her nuts, because no matter how good it is, she can't stop trying to make it perfect. I try to get her to stop trying to change everything and everybody (including herself) and just love it all the way it is.

Wake up! Wake up! Love is all around you and within you. See it! Feel it!

CHOOSE TO LOVE

"Today I let Christ's vision look upon all things for me and judge them not, but give each one a miracle of love instead." From A Course in Miracles

For some it is love at first sight. Others fall in love during a time of getting to know one another. Still others are surprised to find they are in love, or have awakened to love having just happened. The reasons for loving one person and not another are not fully understood. I am speaking of romantic love here, though the ideas I intend to present are true for all relationships.

For love to last, one must choose to love. If you base love on how you feel, the relationship will be sorely tested and will not likely survive the testing. There will be disillusionment and disappointment. Communication will be strained as feelings wax and wane. Imagine coping when there is trouble. Everyone has trouble.

Our differences can create feelings of anger, fear, dismay -- you name it. Over a period of time, it simply is not possible to feel the way you once did in the newness of love. You can -- if you choose -- feel much better than that!

When my husband has played World of Warcraft on the computer from early morning until late at night for two days in a row -- I think how much I love him. That is a better feeling than when I didn't know about his peccadillo, thought he was just yummy, and was "in love. More is required of me, so to love him on days like that I also feel good about myself. (Please, readers, this is about ME, not about Al playing computer games.)

When I chose to love Allen, I said to myself, I am going to love this man without needing him to change a thing. I am going to bring my love freely and never let it go, even when tempted. Even should he stop loving me. I will be his friend and his champion.

From that moment on, my love did not depend on how helpful he was around the house or whether he was interested in everything I had to say, how much we had in common, whether he was happy, sad, mad, or indifferent. I chose to love this man because I think he is a man of character and a man with whom I could spend the rest of my life.

Allen and I are complete opposites. We have few common interests, yet we are very expressive in our love for one another. For the most part, we don't enjoy the same music, TV, movies, books, or topics of conversation. (He wanted me to suggest that you NOT tell your spouse their story is boring you. Apparently I have a few shortcomings of my own!)

My husband and I love and accept each other for the unique individuals we are. We are willing to stretch ourselves to accommodate the other. To nurture our marriage we share a few common pleasures. Every day we voice our love and show affection. We choose to love when it is easy....and when it is difficult.

After 15 years of marriage, we really do know who it is we have chosen to love, and love continues to deepen.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

I Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us Love is patient, kind, not envious, desires nothing in return, comes from humility, acts gently, is not self-seeking but other-directed, is not easily provoked, gives benefit of doubt, is just, and full of grace; it stirs no defensive behavior, is trusting and trustworthy, and stands every testing. Love never fails in its efforts.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

The Six Parameters (Perfections or Principles) of Enlightened Living (Buddha): Generosity as in selfless giving; Virtue or rigorous honesty; Patience such as acceptance of that which we cannot change; Effort, constant and consistent; Meditation or living in the present moment; Wisdom, judging all as neither good nor bad.

I used to think of these things as Impossible Ideals, something to strive for but certain never to reach. I was so unhappy, and my unhappiness was reflected in my relationships. Someone taught me to examine my beliefs. Something I believed was bringing me to a dead end in my personal relationships. I asked myself, "What if I can learn to love unconditionally? What would that look like?"

I began to take the spiritual principles of loving others to heart. If I found myself with any motive other than loving with no need of a return, I stopped. I learned to pay attention to my moods and attitudes, willing to change immediately from selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts and actions to those of love.

Simple changes I made and you can too: Start over when a conversation has gone bad -- from the beginning, gentle the tone and listen. When feeling distressed or unhappy, ask God to help you to see it differently, through loving eyes. Don't wait to feel better -- demonstrate love NOW.

No one, nor any circumstance no matter how dire, has the power to take me from a good place to a bad one. In fact, it is only my ego that cares. Ego tells me that I'm right, that I am being wronged, that something needs to change to my liking. Ego isn't real, only what I imagine! If I am willing to set ego aside, everything can be seen through eyes of love. When I let it go, I can love unconditionally.

LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD

Love is an action word demonstrating affection and care for another through best behavior. It is never demanding, abusive, conditional. People often call it love when they are really trying to control others. "If you love me you_______________________."

The Bible says that love is God (I John 8:16). Love is patient, kind, not envious, desires nothing in return, comes from humility, acts gently, is not self-seeking but other-directed, is not easily provoked, gives benefit of doubt, is just, and full of grace; it stirs no defensive behavior, is trusting and trustworthy, and stands every testing. Love never fails in its efforts (I Corinthians 13:4-8).

You may not believe in God, or the Bible as the Word of God, but not many would argue with these definitions as a good starting point for putting love into action.

Adults must come to believe that they are the problem in their troubled relationships, and that they have the power to change the dynamics of their relationships. If one person will take responsibility for his or her own behavior, learn and practice healthier ways on their part, their relationships will change. One person acting lovingly as described above will invite appropriate responses and cooperation. Otherwise, expect defensive reaction, which is what problematic relationships are about.