BEGIN TO COMMUNICATE

Relationships will improve with a few simple changes in how we speak to and with one another. If you choose to try the suggestions that follow and the communication begins to go poorly, you can stop immediately, and say, "I'm not very good at having hard conversations but I'm trying to learn, because I care about our relationship." Wait a minute.... this might be the best way to begin a difficult talk. Then if it goes badly, repeat it.

Another good phrase to use: "I can tell I just stepped on your feelings, but I promise you I will never do anything to hurt you on purpose. Should I forget, I will take it back and try never to do it again." You can see the importance of complete sincerity here. Perhaps you just realized one reason your communication with others hasn't gone so well in the past. Before you can begin to learn how to speak about issues where you are not in agreement, or when a misunderstanding arises, you must decide to be safe for the people in your life.

When I am coaching others in regard to their relationships, I ask them not to say, "I'm sorry". Those words have been misused so often I think they just bring up a sense of hopelessness on both sides. If you make a mistake and offend, make amends right then: "I regret that," or, "I was wrong," or, "I put that badly."

Examples of defensive behaviors that get in the way of healthy communication: anger, raised voice, explaining, denial, blaming, silent scorn, emotional withdrawal. Are you defensive? Those are survival techniques when we are fearful. You do not need to protect yourself that way once you have begun to let yourself make mistakes and admit to them. Those whom you love will learn to lay down their defenses, too -- when they feel safe to be themselves, to say whatever they have to say, and to make their own choices.

Take deep breaths when conversations take a heavy tone. Remind yourself of your priority to love one another, not necessarily agree! Smile.