HOW TO LIVE HAPPILY WITH OTHERS

These are my husband's Crocs sitting on the patio. They made me smile. A number of years ago when Al was often in the yard working on the new landscape we had planted, when he came in he would leave his shoes on the porch, in front, or on the back deck. He never brought them in. Sometimes he would leave them on the mat, so if you went out you either stepped on them or over them.

Early on I would say, "Honey, you left your shoes outside, do you want me to bring them in?" He would sigh, get up, grab the shoes and drop them right inside the door. I remember saying on another occasion, "Honey, when you leave your shoes right in the path I either have to step on them or over them." He responded as if I'd yelled at him, jumping up, grabbing the shoes and throwing them to the side. These kind of responses don't make sense to me, though it is obvious that no matter how I broached this matter it made him feel like I was a critical parent.

When I don't know what to do, I ask myself how I can be most loving until the way becomes clear. I let the shoes pile up! I let go of caring about it no matter how inconvenienced I felt when the shoes were in my way. As one of my teachers, Greg Baer, says, "You can live with it and love it, or you can live with it and hate it, or you can leave." Those are your only choices. I was hating it -- and that is not how I care to live.

When Al would leave on a trip (he's an airline pilot), I would pick up all his shoes, making it a gift by having a loving attitude as I took this task upon myself. But one day, after putting the shoes away, looking out on the empty deck, I thought, "You know, if anything were to happen to Al, those shoes are what I would miss." I never put the shoes away or mentioned them to him again. Now it is just the one pair outside. I love them there.

A HOW-TO ON LOVE

Often, when people consult me about their relationship, they have come to hate the spouse, parent, child, friend, boss. The thought of being so hateful is anathema to most of us, and so we deny it. Almost everyone else can see it or hear it when we are talking about what is going on. We cannot.

What a dilemma! I think the hope is that I will help them to change the other person, or help them have the courage to leave. No one wishes to continue to live miserably. I set them on a different path, one that is not easy, but is seriously tried-and-true.

I believe that what we are all really seeking is to be loved by Someone who knows us intimately -- without asking us to change. When I present the idea, most people agree. If they can accept that they are loved by God in just that way, we can begin. Sometimes I ask, "Who would YOU rather be?" I may ask as well, "What if I said to you that YOU must become more like, or perhaps exactly like this person of whom you despair?"

My conclusion from these conversations is that not only is their a Force in the Cosmos that knows us and loves us unconditionally, but we also love ourselves more than we know. We want to be free of judgment and condemnation, yet we continue to judge and condemn the people whom we ought most to love.

Please don't deny it by minimizing the harm done when you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes, or speak in clipped words, or avoid calling your mother. Label all unloving action for what it is: hateful and spiteful. Now, please drop the blame. As I said to the woman I first helped with her relationship issues, "I'm talking to you alone, not Enrique. If I were talking to him, I could give him this assignment. The good news is you have the power to do these things without his knowing a thing about your efforts. That is how loving unconditionally works."

Many people have put into action a few, simple suggestions (instructions?), and in every case there has been healing -- for them. Many times relationships have ended up so happy as to astound. My own for one. On occasion, after working on what one brings to the relationship and letting go of needing anything in return, someone chooses to divorce, or in some way let the relationship go -- but they have felt they were transformed for their future; they were able to leave in a loving manner.

Do this: Demonstrate loving behavior always, even when it is hard. Lay down all your defenses, including excuses and explanations for your choices. Just stop. You can say what YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU BELIEVE -- just let go of needing something or someone to change because of what you say. You can ASK for what you want (remember, you have no need from others since God, you, and others you may ask can take care of those things). Allow everyone to enjoy these freedoms as well. That means you too can say, "No," no excuse or explanation required.

Speak kindly, and more importantly -- listen without having to respond. Think about what it is you feel you need from your partner, parent, child, friend, co-workers. Figure if it matters to you, YOU can bring it to them.

You may not feel loving right away when you take this spiritual path, but if you turn back, it will be worse for you and those whom you would choose to love. If you do not turn back, though you may have missteps, I PROMISE that you will find complete fulfillment. You will come to understand what God's love really means.

WHAT'S UP WITH KIDS TODAY?

Rhea is beside herself, furious with her daughter.

"Koz, I do everything for her. Do you know I'm paying for her to go to nursing school? I'm a single mother, her dad doesn't help. It's been hard. And then I ask her to do a favor for me, just take care of the dogs for a couple of days while I go visit my friends in Jupiter. She says to me, 'Mom! I can't believe you would ask me to do that! I have so much to do on the weekends just to keep up with the laundry.'"

"I know Kitty, Rhea," I remind her, "She's doing well with her classes. She must be studying hard."

"I never ask her for help. Maybe that's the problem. She takes my helping her for granted. She takes me for granted."

I've worked with Rhea for awhile, so she isn't surprised when I ask if she can afford to do the things she does for Kitty. "Yes," she replies frankly.

"I have enough time, energy AND money to do the things I do for her." She smiles. "And, there are no strings attached. I do what I do because she's my daughter and I love her."

"Hey, girl," I say, "You are a good student. That's how WE love -- unconditionally. Because we can! Because we know God loves us and has given us all we need to take care of ourselves today, right?"

Rhea thinks for a minute, then asks, "There was nothing wrong in my asking her to do a favor for me, was there?"

"Of course not! Remember what I always say?"

"Ask for what you want, and celebrate the "No's!" Rhea is remembering the lessons we've had in our time together over the last year. "I probably need to ask more often."

"Yeah," I laugh, "She might say yes once in awhile -- especially when you don't mind if she says no. In fact, treat her as if she said yes every time. Because you can."

"You know, Koz, I ended up asking a friend if she could watch the boys, and she was happy to do it. She said I can repay her by watering her plants for her the next time she wants to get away."

As she's leaving, Rhea turns back. "So, it would be wrong of me to 'guilt' Kitty over this, huh? You know, a little martyrdom to let her know how I feel?"

"OMG," I throw my hands up, "That's one of the most unloving things you could do, number one! And number two: where has that ever got us?"

Rhea is laughing so hard now, remembering, I imagine, what it used to be like when she and Kitty were always at odds with each other and how miserable with self-pity they both were. They have a very loving relationship today, even if Kitty is pretty self-centered still, she really does appreciate her mom, just not so much she's going to inconvenience herself.

Everyone has the right to make their own choices. We can't always understand another's motives. What we can do is check our own. We can ask ourselves, "Where am I being selfish, self-centered, self-seeking? How am I being dishonest about what I'm seeking here? What am I afraid I'm going to lose or not get? Am I being inconsiderate?" We can take care of ourselves by not putting all our needs on one or a few. I like to think that when my children say no to me, no matter how small the request may seem to be to me, that they are taking care of themselves. That's a healthy behavior I encourage. It's number one in my Basics for Relationship Recovery.

How to Believe and Trust in God

If you want to believe in God, face a problem that is more than you can handle. I grew up with an alcoholic father; I always believed in God. When, at age forty-two, I faced my own alcoholism, my belief in God did not seem to help. I felt like there was no hope or help.

I had to surrender all of my best thinking and follow a program of recovery that others had found made it possible to stop drinking and live happily. Like my father before me, I had stopped drinking many times, sometimes for years at a time. It was the restless, irritable, discontent feeling that defeated me.

I learned something that might seem like common sense to many, but had never seemed possible to me. Each day I could commit myself to living by spiritual principles, principles we call "godly". I was not instantly relieved of my suffering. I had to trust that my life would change. "Don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens," they said.

"Trust that others have followed this path of right-living, and you'll see," they said.

I looked at my life up to that point and felt like I had nothing to lose. It took awhile. I wanted it to be easier. I began to choose to do the "right" thing, make a loving choice in every situation without compromise on the spiritual principles of rigorous honesty, self-responsibility, selfless love rather than to follow my instincts to be selfish, self-centered, and self-seeking. Of course, mistakes and missteps were made; I'm only human. I faced the consequences squarely, admitted my wrongs, and made amends where I could: a new direction.

Somehow along the way, it has got easier. The God of my understanding has evolved from belief to Something More. Trusting the experience of others who walk a spiritual path brought me to trusting God with my life.

BEGIN TO COMMUNICATE

Relationships will improve with a few simple changes in how we speak to and with one another. If you choose to try the suggestions that follow and the communication begins to go poorly, you can stop immediately, and say, "I'm not very good at having hard conversations but I'm trying to learn, because I care about our relationship." Wait a minute.... this might be the best way to begin a difficult talk. Then if it goes badly, repeat it.

Another good phrase to use: "I can tell I just stepped on your feelings, but I promise you I will never do anything to hurt you on purpose. Should I forget, I will take it back and try never to do it again." You can see the importance of complete sincerity here. Perhaps you just realized one reason your communication with others hasn't gone so well in the past. Before you can begin to learn how to speak about issues where you are not in agreement, or when a misunderstanding arises, you must decide to be safe for the people in your life.

When I am coaching others in regard to their relationships, I ask them not to say, "I'm sorry". Those words have been misused so often I think they just bring up a sense of hopelessness on both sides. If you make a mistake and offend, make amends right then: "I regret that," or, "I was wrong," or, "I put that badly."

Examples of defensive behaviors that get in the way of healthy communication: anger, raised voice, explaining, denial, blaming, silent scorn, emotional withdrawal. Are you defensive? Those are survival techniques when we are fearful. You do not need to protect yourself that way once you have begun to let yourself make mistakes and admit to them. Those whom you love will learn to lay down their defenses, too -- when they feel safe to be themselves, to say whatever they have to say, and to make their own choices.

Take deep breaths when conversations take a heavy tone. Remind yourself of your priority to love one another, not necessarily agree! Smile.