We may have been victims of physical and/or emotional abuse in the past. Relationship recovery offers us a chance to alter our lives by our thoughts and actions today. The first step is to face the truth about what has happened, and to grieve. This can be a long and arduous process in itself. In my experience, it takes courage.... and then it takes perseverance to become emotionally well and grow healthy, loving relationships.
If you are currently in a physically abusive relationship, you probably need help to break the pattern, make yourself safe, and learn to keep yourself safe. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. That number is 1-800-799-7223. That is a step forward. Don't look back.
I think it is clear that physical abuse of any kind would not be tolerated by an emotionally stable person. I want to talk about emotional safety in our relationships. Let us begin with a definition, a view to what it is we desire in our interactions with others. Whether at home or at work, we can create an emotional safety zone for ourselves and for others if we understand what it means. The ability to express our thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and feelings without fear of someone else's reaction is the goal toward which we must persevere.
The first thing that I learned and subsequently have taught is to pay attention when you are uncomfortable with the way a conversation is going. It may be you begin to feel anxious, angry, attacked, discounted or overwhelmed by another's personality. Sometimes the signals are physical: sweaty palms, racing heart, flushing, or numbed feelings. Notice what you experience. You need to STOP NOW; break the pattern of the familiar.
One tool you can immediately use is a raised palm, facing out that is the universal sign for STOP. You can use it with a spouse, a parent, a child, a boss, a rude store clerk. Use it gently, not as a threat. Smile if you can. Say, "I need to stop." This STOP is not necessarily to stop what is being said or done, it is about what is happening to you because of what is being said or done. The other person involved may not be able to stop by your demand. He or she may have gone beyond the point of self-control. You want to STOP before YOU go further in what has become an uncomfortable situation for YOU.
What you will experience with that upraised hand is an immediate boundary that informs YOU that you are each individuals with rights in relationship to be safe. Even if the other person cannot reign in their temper, cannot halt the flow of words, is stomping around the room hands a-waving, YOU will have defined your own personal space with that hand that stands between the two of you. Then, explain what is happening to YOU that makes you say, "I need to stop." Put it this way, "When you said _______(repeat the words you heard, or action -- maybe a door was slammed, or a you were given a mean look), I felt_______(an emotion you felt, like uncomfortable or afraid, or the physical trait, my heart starting to pound, a rush of anger)."
NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE at this point. The other person could respond to your words by ignoring them, mimicking you, walking out -- who knows! The important thing is for you to #1-speak up about what you are feeling; #2-ask for what you want (STOP).
Remember, it isn't about the other person. This is how you can create emotional safety for yourself. In my personal experience, and from what others have reported to me after taking these steps, you can repeat what you said one more time! Once more, and then no matter how hard you may be goaded toward further discussion, STOP. Be kind. If the other person needs to rant and say all manner of thing, you will find that you are SAFE behind that hand you raised. Oh, you don't have to keep it up! You will have taken a giant step toward creating emotional safety for YOU.
Use "I" statements only. You might even assure the other person that "This is about me; it is NOT about you." In time, using this tool, you will come to understand how true that statement is. Emotionally healthy people take 100% responsibility for their feelings and actions -- and they understand others are also responsible for their choices. If you hear yourself saying, "I think that you_________," STOP, you've blown it! Start again: speak about what you felt by the action of the other person. That person may do it again! That is their choice until they decide they don't like that choice. It's probably more of an unconscious choice just as your choices were. When you no longer NEED them to change, they probably will become more self-aware. When you practice healthy relationship behaviors, others find it possible too.
Emotional safety STARTS with you beginning to speak up about what YOU think, believe, feel, and want.
