Take care of yourself is premise One in my Basics for Relationship Recovery. Healthy relationships begin with self-care. That may be a new idea for you. Perhaps you remember as a child being enjoined to "put others first", and admonished for being "selfish" and "not nice" when you didn't want to share, or chose the biggest cookie. Yet, over the years, have you felt that you are usually on the giving end, rarely getting your "fair share"? You may be aware of some selfish, self-centered, self-seeking behavior. I ask you to set aside all you think you know about good relationships and good manners. Open your mind to new ideas and practices that will bring about good relationships for you.
Start by giving to yourself what you have been giving to others. Take the biggest cookie whether you want it or not -- right now! Give yourself permission to do so. Once you can comfortably choose the biggest or best of anything -- or, say, go first! -- or, choose the restaurant and movie to attend with someone -- then, you will be able to form authentic, reciprocal friendships and kinships. We must know what we really want before we can be truly generous enough to give it away.
Other ways of caring for yourself: Good food; time for you; look good just for you. Self-approval! Don't wait for Mom, Dad, your spouse, your kids, or your boss to say you're O. K. Look in the mirror and into your eyes, say what you would tell someone else: "I really like you." Lonely? Hug yourself, talk to yourself, and listen to yourself. Seek to live from the highest and best part of yourself, looking for refreshment and renewal in the spiritual rather than material. You'll find it in nature, in art, in good books. You'll find it in prayer, meditation, exercise, and good works.
Give, but first to yourself: time, energy, money, kindness. Love replenishes itself endlessly and effortlessly. However, this is true when love is given expecting nothing in return, not even a"Thank you."
