BOUNDARIES

Someone brought up the subject of "boundaries" the other day. I typed basic personal rights and boundaries on my google search engine and several worthwhile sites came up. Following are my thoughts on the subject.

*I have the right to be.

*When I respect myself, others respect me without my saying a word.

*When I honor the boundaries others set, they will find it easier to honor mine.

*Boundaries do not have to be rigid. I can let you come closer when we have built trust over time.

*I can ask for what I want. I can say how your words or behavior make me feel, though I am powerless over your choices, and responsible for my feelings.

Everyone would like to have the ability to express their thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and desires without fear of the response. Isn't it true that if the response or reaction to what you put out there didn't matter, you wouldn't be afraid to speak up, to be honest? Well, guess what. It really doesn't matter.

Try this experiment: Stick with "I" statements only and make a statement to someone about what you think, believe, feel, or would like. Be prepared, because no matter how the other person responds, you are going to act as if whatever he/she says or does is fine with you. You are not going to be caught off-guard, because whether the reply is kind and considerate -- whether you are ignored -- or there is an angry reaction: it is just fine with you. You can expect it, whatever "it" is.

To end the experiment, smile broadly, but say no more.

WILL YOU RECOGNIZE LOVE?

He's loud and argumentative. She is easily frustrated by the behaviors of others. The motto on a pillow "I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas" sits comfortably on her sofa. They are two of my closest friends. I saw what a perfect couple they made long before they decided to marry. They bicker all the time! You just have to close your ears to it. It means nothing. Theirs, I tell them, is a great love affair! They can't see it.

Becky, frankly, was not a loved and nurtured child. Her parents withheld affection, belittled, and demeaned Becky, though I'm certain they did their best. Becky, now forty-eight, struggles to enjoy her own family. Her husband Ed has two boys, young teens. Becky became pregnant with her daughter when she was forty years old. Ed came along when Becky's little girl was a toddler. There is so much love in this family. I adore spending time with them.

Ed, for all his loud, gruff talk, means only the best for his family. He shows love by working hard to give to them materially. He's very ill right now undergoing treatment for hepatitis-C, and may need a liver transplant in future. Nevertheless, he recently took his family to Disney World. He worries and tells Becky and the kids there is nothing to worry about. He knows his wife's shortcomings, but she doesn't have to change a thing. He simply loves and cares for her.

Becky doesn't think she has a good marriage. How could she say otherwise with all the conflict and yelling going on? She's overwhelmed by the responsibility of motherhood. I see how much she loves her family in the way she works so hard to make their home attractive, in her giving the children everything she thinks a well-loved child would have, in the way she believes in her husband's abilities, and in how she hates his suffering. They all drive her nuts, because no matter how good it is, she can't stop trying to make it perfect. I try to get her to stop trying to change everything and everybody (including herself) and just love it all the way it is.

Wake up! Wake up! Love is all around you and within you. See it! Feel it!

CHOOSE TO LOVE

"Today I let Christ's vision look upon all things for me and judge them not, but give each one a miracle of love instead." From A Course in Miracles

For some it is love at first sight. Others fall in love during a time of getting to know one another. Still others are surprised to find they are in love, or have awakened to love having just happened. The reasons for loving one person and not another are not fully understood. I am speaking of romantic love here, though the ideas I intend to present are true for all relationships.

For love to last, one must choose to love. If you base love on how you feel, the relationship will be sorely tested and will not likely survive the testing. There will be disillusionment and disappointment. Communication will be strained as feelings wax and wane. Imagine coping when there is trouble. Everyone has trouble.

Our differences can create feelings of anger, fear, dismay -- you name it. Over a period of time, it simply is not possible to feel the way you once did in the newness of love. You can -- if you choose -- feel much better than that!

When my husband has played World of Warcraft on the computer from early morning until late at night for two days in a row -- I think how much I love him. That is a better feeling than when I didn't know about his peccadillo, thought he was just yummy, and was "in love. More is required of me, so to love him on days like that I also feel good about myself. (Please, readers, this is about ME, not about Al playing computer games.)

When I chose to love Allen, I said to myself, I am going to love this man without needing him to change a thing. I am going to bring my love freely and never let it go, even when tempted. Even should he stop loving me. I will be his friend and his champion.

From that moment on, my love did not depend on how helpful he was around the house or whether he was interested in everything I had to say, how much we had in common, whether he was happy, sad, mad, or indifferent. I chose to love this man because I think he is a man of character and a man with whom I could spend the rest of my life.

Allen and I are complete opposites. We have few common interests, yet we are very expressive in our love for one another. For the most part, we don't enjoy the same music, TV, movies, books, or topics of conversation. (He wanted me to suggest that you NOT tell your spouse their story is boring you. Apparently I have a few shortcomings of my own!)

My husband and I love and accept each other for the unique individuals we are. We are willing to stretch ourselves to accommodate the other. To nurture our marriage we share a few common pleasures. Every day we voice our love and show affection. We choose to love when it is easy....and when it is difficult.

After 15 years of marriage, we really do know who it is we have chosen to love, and love continues to deepen.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

I Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us Love is patient, kind, not envious, desires nothing in return, comes from humility, acts gently, is not self-seeking but other-directed, is not easily provoked, gives benefit of doubt, is just, and full of grace; it stirs no defensive behavior, is trusting and trustworthy, and stands every testing. Love never fails in its efforts.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

The Six Parameters (Perfections or Principles) of Enlightened Living (Buddha): Generosity as in selfless giving; Virtue or rigorous honesty; Patience such as acceptance of that which we cannot change; Effort, constant and consistent; Meditation or living in the present moment; Wisdom, judging all as neither good nor bad.

I used to think of these things as Impossible Ideals, something to strive for but certain never to reach. I was so unhappy, and my unhappiness was reflected in my relationships. Someone taught me to examine my beliefs. Something I believed was bringing me to a dead end in my personal relationships. I asked myself, "What if I can learn to love unconditionally? What would that look like?"

I began to take the spiritual principles of loving others to heart. If I found myself with any motive other than loving with no need of a return, I stopped. I learned to pay attention to my moods and attitudes, willing to change immediately from selfish, self-centered, self-seeking thoughts and actions to those of love.

Simple changes I made and you can too: Start over when a conversation has gone bad -- from the beginning, gentle the tone and listen. When feeling distressed or unhappy, ask God to help you to see it differently, through loving eyes. Don't wait to feel better -- demonstrate love NOW.

No one, nor any circumstance no matter how dire, has the power to take me from a good place to a bad one. In fact, it is only my ego that cares. Ego tells me that I'm right, that I am being wronged, that something needs to change to my liking. Ego isn't real, only what I imagine! If I am willing to set ego aside, everything can be seen through eyes of love. When I let it go, I can love unconditionally.

LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD

Love is an action word demonstrating affection and care for another through best behavior. It is never demanding, abusive, conditional. People often call it love when they are really trying to control others. "If you love me you_______________________."

The Bible says that love is God (I John 8:16). Love is patient, kind, not envious, desires nothing in return, comes from humility, acts gently, is not self-seeking but other-directed, is not easily provoked, gives benefit of doubt, is just, and full of grace; it stirs no defensive behavior, is trusting and trustworthy, and stands every testing. Love never fails in its efforts (I Corinthians 13:4-8).

You may not believe in God, or the Bible as the Word of God, but not many would argue with these definitions as a good starting point for putting love into action.

Adults must come to believe that they are the problem in their troubled relationships, and that they have the power to change the dynamics of their relationships. If one person will take responsibility for his or her own behavior, learn and practice healthier ways on their part, their relationships will change. One person acting lovingly as described above will invite appropriate responses and cooperation. Otherwise, expect defensive reaction, which is what problematic relationships are about.