For some it is love at first sight. Others fall in love during a time of getting to know one another. Still others are surprised to find they are in love, or have awakened to love having just happened. The reasons for loving one person and not another are not fully understood. I am speaking of romantic love here, though the ideas I intend to present are true for all relationships.
For love to last, one must choose to love. If you base love on how you feel, the relationship will be sorely tested and will not likely survive the testing. There will be disillusionment and disappointment. Communication will be strained as feelings wax and wane. Imagine coping when there is trouble. Everyone has trouble.
Our differences can create feelings of anger, fear, dismay -- you name it. Over a period of time, it simply is not possible to feel the way you once did in the newness of love. You can -- if you choose -- feel much better than that!
When my husband has played World of Warcraft on the computer from early morning until late at night for two days in a row -- I think how much I love him. That is a better feeling than when I didn't know about his peccadillo, thought he was just yummy, and was "in love. More is required of me, so to love him on days like that I also feel good about myself. (Please, readers, this is about ME, not about Al playing computer games.)
When I chose to love Allen, I said to myself, I am going to love this man without needing him to change a thing. I am going to bring my love freely and never let it go, even when tempted. Even should he stop loving me. I will be his friend and his champion.
From that moment on, my love did not depend on how helpful he was around the house or whether he was interested in everything I had to say, how much we had in common, whether he was happy, sad, mad, or indifferent. I chose to love this man because I think he is a man of character and a man with whom I could spend the rest of my life.
Allen and I are complete opposites. We have few common interests, yet we are very expressive in our love for one another. For the most part, we don't enjoy the same music, TV, movies, books, or topics of conversation. (He wanted me to suggest that you NOT tell your spouse their story is boring you. Apparently I have a few shortcomings of my own!)
My husband and I love and accept each other for the unique individuals we are. We are willing to stretch ourselves to accommodate the other. To nurture our marriage we share a few common pleasures. Every day we voice our love and show affection. We choose to love when it is easy....and when it is difficult.
After 15 years of marriage, we really do know who it is we have chosen to love, and love continues to deepen.
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