Some relationships won't work -- at least right now. Experience has taught me that one never knows how this story may end. I have written before about two couples who had violent episodes in their past. They seem to be past that behavior with a zero tolerance for abuse today. I wouldn't recommend that. It could cost a life.
Early in my recovery from codependency, I left a man I loved and expected to marry. I got to practice all that I was taught about healthy interaction with him. One day I felt that it was always going to be difficult, because his personality was so like my father's; heretofore, my most difficult relationship. I just didn't want to live with the challenge. It was empowering to my recovery to leave this man while I still loved and wanted him.
When I chose to love Allen, my husband of fifteen years now, I knew that it would be a more peaceful existence for me. He is more like my mother. Also, Al is willing to practice healthy relationship behaviors. We both know what our parts were in previous failed marriages. I must be honest with you! It was still difficult to grow our relationship. The mutual practice of unconditional love, respecting each other's right to be an individual, and our deep consideration of each other's attitudes and feelings took place over time. You might say, One Situation At A Time.
The better I got at love without strings or personal agenda, the easier it got to be. Our love and friendship deepened with each unresolved issue! By that I mean, we still rarely agree, and our temperaments are opposite (he re-energizes with quiet, and I with conversation), but we love each other enough to stay. In fact, we are best friends and lovers.
When people come to me with a troubled relationship, I often believe they want me to either give them permission to leave, or the strength to do so. I tell them it does not matter if they go or stay, because what is wrong is not about the one with whom they have a problem. It is about a part of themselves that is injured from childhood, and if they leave this particular relationship, the next one will expose the wound again at some point. If, after counseling, they decide to leave, I ask them to do so in a loving manner. Don't blame. Say, "I'm just not loving enough to stay in this relationship." That's the truth. There is nothing wrong with leaving a tormented relationship. Perhaps parting in a loving way will be the catalyst for both, healing past wounds, taking less baggage into the next relationship.
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