My husband usually makes the bed first thing in the morning. When I lived alone I discovered that I don't like to make the bed, and actually enjoy climbing into an unmade bed at night. Al finds that uncivilized; he makes the bed.
I do the grocery shopping and cooking. Food matters to me. My former father-in-law did the grocery shopping, though his wife cooked whatever he brought home. Gives me chills to imagine menu planning and preparation under those conditions.
I counseled a woman once who was having great difficulty reconciling the fact that her husband, though loving and generous in many ways, refused to buy health and life insurance. She had tried every well-worn trick in the book to make him see how irresponsible his choice was, and to no avail. She was at the point of taking their year-old son and leaving. Pointing out that she would still need insurance, even life insurance on the father of her child, to have the security she was seeking, I told her she needed to take care of this herself. She didn't make as much money as her husband; she thought this was the kind of thing a man was responsible to do. "Whoever wants it done the most does it," I said. She did. She did it lovingly, because she was my student after all, and if you read my blog you know I teach that no matter what you do (even if you leave a relationship), you do so in a loving manner.
Sara told Bob, "Honey, you know how I've been begging you to get insurance? I realized that I'm the one who feels it's important, so I'm going to pay for it." She did. She had asked me what she would do when her paycheck wouldn't stretch as far as it had for her personal purchases, and I told her she could ask her husband for money when she was short. Perhaps we were both surprised when Bob became even more generous in contributing to the family expenses. Interestingly, Sara still suffered from feeling financially insecure, and got a second job!
Jorge spoke to me recently about his frustration with his friends. "A group of us tailgate during football season, but I am the one who always coordinates everything! I mean, what do they think, that my life isn't as busy as theirs? Honestly, if I didn't call everybody to be sure they were coming, I think the whole thing would just fall apart."
"Then it matters most to you," I looked into Jorge's eyes as I placed my hands over his. "If you do have the time, Jorge, just do it as you have year after year now. Do it because it is what you want, and be grateful for friends who keep on showing up because you matter to them. They wouldn't otherwise."
He thought about that for a minute. "I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right! They're my buds!"
Dana thought she had a communication problem with her boyfriend, and something better change soon or the relationship was doomed. She knew from experience. Dana and Gary are busy professionals in their mid-thirties. They have built and kept friendships since high school days so their individual social calendars were always full when they met on www.match.com. The chemistry was undeniable, he made her laugh, and all their dates made her feel this could be the lasting love she'd long been denied.
"He was super attentive in the beginning, but now, after just six months of dating, he seems to be losing interest," Dana confided, "I told him I need to feel important to him. I feel like I'm always the one making the plans for us. Maybe I'm old-fashion, but I still like the man to take the initiative."
From what Dana told me about Gary, I felt he was a man with all the qualities a woman could want in a mate, and serious about their relationship. "I think you need to let go of all your old ideas, old or new-fashion, Dana, and stay focused on what you bring to the relationship! Here is a wonderful man who has made it clear he's interested in a future that includes you by his side. Both of you have full lives and have no need from each other. A commitment to love means sacrificing your self-centered needs to make room for someone else. Remind yourself when you're tempted to be critical of the things that made you feel you'd met Mr. Right. See what happens when you remember that you were just fine without him, but you chose him to love. You can make plans, or he can, and both of you have the right to say, 'No, thanks, I'm doing something else'. Relationships work where each one is joyfully free to be themselves."
That's advice I've given to many after seeing the result in my blissful marriage. As it says in the Bible, "Love never fails."
Take care of yourself! Know that everyone is doing the best they can in every moment, or they would do it differently. Identify what your preferences are in your home, at work, in your relationships. You can ask for what you want, but a loving request always permits a refusal. Then remind yourself: whoever wants it done the most does it.
