CAN'T? OR WON'T?

I want the loving way to be possible for my clients -- for YOU, my readers.  I've had twenty years of practice, learning more as new situations and people cross my path.  I've learned from those under my tutelage as they apply what I teach in the ways they do.  

Keep it simple.  Remember love.  Let love be your only option.  You can say anything you want to say, even "Goodbye" in a gentle voice, considerate of the pain that may cause the one you are leaving.  You can make any decision concerning yourself without explaining the reasons or defending your right to do so.  Be firm, but kind.  Others may not understand and may suffer, so be tolerant of their agony while they learn to take care of their feelings.  If you are but consistently loving and caring, you will find the path remains solidly underfoot.

Shelby said to me, "I'm trying, Koz, but I can't!"  "Shelby," I said, "Change that can't to a won't."  She didn't want to do that.  And, why not?  I think she and others who continue to use the word can't have an inner-knowing that to say won't confirms they actually can.  

I'm insistent.  "Say it, Shelby.  I don't care what you do, but own the God-given power you have to live lovingly or be the problem here."  

I have said on more than one occasion, "Leave if you want to, but tell the truth.  When you leave, say it's because YOU are not yet loving enough to stay and live with the way things are."  

I remember it was my brother Patrick who first suggested I change my can't to a won't.  I had always been particularly resistant to any advice from my middle brother.  From the help I'd been getting in treatment for codependency, I realized I could give him what I had recently identified as something I wanted.  It's called "active listening"; I mirrored back what I heard him say.  "So, you think I should say 'won't' whenever I am saying 'can't'?"  He said, "Do it right now."  

My brother was more than surprised when I let him guide me.  I took that suggestion then, and it literally changed my life from that point.  To this day, if the word can't comes out of my mouth, I immediately change it.  It is now in my power to CHOOSE.  The situation or person involved has nothing to do with whether I WILL or I WON'T.  Power.  Choose what God (or your higher and best self) would have you to:  Love.

WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?

"But, Koz, my husband (wife/partner/father/mother/son/daughter/boss....whomever) is awful."

People I work with come to me because they are unhappy in their relationships.  Most of the time, they really want a way "out" because they have tried Everything to change the difficult people and situations that make them discontent.  They may even have considered ending the relationship and somehow remained enmeshed.

I try to keep it simple.  "Live by spiritual principles, which are all rooted in love that asks nothing.  That makes it easy:  no matter the temptation to be unloving, love," I say.  I have written much about it in my blog; it is, truly, about all I say -- though I may say it in many ways and through real-life stories in an attempt to make it clear.  These are some of the things I hear:

"I couldn't believe it!  I was waiting in line and she just pushed in front of me!  And then she called ME a bitch."  

"I am really a loving person; I've been that way all my life, but then he says to me....  I just lost it!"

"Don't you think she should have consulted me before making that decision?"

"I was just so angry!  I've got so much resentment."

"I couldn't really afford it, and he didn't even say 'thank you'."

On an occasion when Jesus heard a similar lament about what someone else was doing, He said, "What is that to thee?  Follow thou me." (John 21:22)  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it this way, "The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it."

It is YOU who would like to improve your relationships.  You cannot manipulate others into doing what it is you want -- at least not all the time.  When you manage to succeed in getting what you want but the price has been that the one you want to enjoy a loving relationship with is unhappy or adds a brick in the wall that has grown between you, how does that "win" make you feel?

"I am sick and tired of being his doormat...of her emotional abuse...of always being the one to give in...of my unhappiness."  

Make your own choices.  Make them lovingly, not because you're hurt, resentful or angry.  Do what you want, but do it lovingly.  And, allow others to do what they choose to do, in whatever way they choose to do it.  What is that to you?  You are the one who is wants to live a loving life.  His/her actions are 100% about him/her, and that is so for YOU.

"I just don't trust her any more -- she's hurt me every time."

Human beings make mistakes.  Have you always been trustworthy?  You say, "Yes."  I've heard it before.  But, no!  You deliberately have done and said things BACK, at the very least.  This is what I teach: STOP being deliberately hurtful.  Don't let your buttons be pushed.  You can say you are hurt, angry, upset in a calm, grown-up voice.  You can ask for what you want without demanding it, and say you're sad or disappointed if you don't get it -- in a calm, grown-up voice.  Any other way is an unhealthy relationship behavior that will lead to greater disappointment and unhappiness for you and the others with whom you have struggled to improve relations.

"My boss is always critical and scares me with his tone of voice."

When you say, "You sound angry.  It's hard to really hear you when you look and sound angry; could you just tell me what you want to say, and ask me for what you want.  If I can, I'll say yes."  (Remember, it is always your choice to say yes or no.  Make your own choices.  Respect others' right to make their choices even if you disagree.)

"I know I need to set a boundary."

Almost always, when I hear that someone is trying to set boundaries as a new behavior, they #1-don't know that healthy boundaries are flexible; #2-do not respect other people's boundaries and right to make their own choices.  I can ask you to STOP (a boundary), but I can't make you STOP.  If you will ASK (set a boundary), you will find that you feel empowered rather than a "doormat" or "victim".  Sometimes you can set a boundary such as, "I am going to hang up the phone now," and if you then do, that's a firm boundary the other must respect.  Other times, you can set a boundary such as, "When you are angry, I get defensive, so would you please just speak in your 'nice' voice," and the person just gets louder and angrier.  Flexibility allows you to take care of yourself in another way -- for instance, just listen to what is being said.  Don't argue; don't explain/defend your point of view or choices.  Say, "We disagree, but I care about how you feel."

What you must choose for yourself is whether you really want to have more loving relationships.  If you do, trust me, it begins and ends with you becoming a loving, kind, tolerant, forgiving, nuturing, caring person NO MATTER the personality differences, NO MATTER the situation.  All of those spiritual characteristics are based in love.  Love that asks nothing to change from another, nor a situation over which you are powerless to "get better".  YOU have all the power (in your own life) when YOU decide to live a loving life.

For further reference and understanding, read/re-read any other book on spirituality and/or love and relationships.  And my blog!