FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

A mahjong app I have on my cell phone rewards a win with tongue-in-cheek fortune cookie wisdom. When this one presented itself, however, the intended irony missed its mark with me! "A problem will present itself to your solution," it read.

"Yes, it will," I laughed to myself. I often say that there is a spiritual solution to every problem, and that every spiritual principle is anchored in unconditional love. Love that desires nothing from another nor from a situation is the solution. In other words, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE for me to live in the solution of Love.

A couple struggling to make their relationship work in the face of mounting conflict met with me recently. I usually begin by sharing my vision for a healthy, loving relationship -- what it will "look like" when we get there! Therefore, I suggested that anything they might have in mind to bring to me as a problem wait until I finished my presentation. When I've done this in the past, quite often a couple will look at each other afterward and smile or laugh, because whatever recent squabble they've had, making them feel hopeless about staying together, they realize in the Light of Love is no problem at all. In this particular case, and not at all unusual, one-half of the couple was determined to discuss the argument au courant.

Stuck in the problem, believing he was right and had been wronged by his spouse, no progress could be made in resolving the issue. Past promises made to love each other through thick and thin were now merely a contract to be dissolved through divorce.

I think the real problem is how we view love. If love means adjustment to the beloved's preferences, which of the beloved gets to have his or her way? Everyone laughs at the tee-shirt "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," yet I have seen women wear it proudly. If love is dependent on feeling love for each other, the relationship is under constant threat and there is no emotional safety.

The words of St. Paul in I Corinthians 13 gives clarity to the meaning of real love in The Message/Remix Biblical translation. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head. Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

For me and countless others who enjoy healthy relationships, these are not an ideal, rather they guide our action in living with others. They undergird the commitment we have made when we said we would love each other "until death do us part." We do not have to agree, nor have the same living habits. We can make mistakes that in some way impact each other. We may be thoughtless, even habitually inconsiderate. Real love understands human frailty. It never holds a grudge.

To begin living a truly loving life takes practice. Imagine you make the decision to love that One, perhaps already someone with whom you planed to love for life (To thee I bequeath all my worldly goods, etc.). First, try reminding yourself daily, "I love myself today, just as I am. I do not have to change." Learning to love oneself and take responsibility for one's own well-being even within a committed relationship is a requirement of Real Love. If I can't love myself even though I'm totally disorganized and have piles of this and that all over the living room, am often late and forget to call to assure you I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere, and dent the car on a regular basis, how am I going to love you when you are a neat-freak to the point of being anal, have a "thing" about never being late, and your car still has a "new car" smell after three years?

After a month of learning to love yourself, daily say, "I love ___________ just as he/she is today. He/she doesn't have to change."

These are obviously mere exercises to shake us loose from the old and false ideas we hold concerning love. Our practice must expand, and that happens gradually as our understanding increases. "You did what! I told you not to touch that savings account without discussing it with me first!" "It's my money as much as yours and I had to make a quick decision then and there!" STOP!!! STOP. You actually can, with determination and improved effort STOP fighting. Your feelings are your entirely your responsibility. Withdraw from whatever the conflict is and FIX YOUR FEELINGS YOURSELF. Nothing has to change. Nothing is likely to change when partners in a relationship have negative emotions controlling what happens next. Reflect on the past and I'm sure you'll agree.

In every situation that arises, feelings, as they say, are not facts, so address them in some healthy reparative way, such as through prayer, taking a long walk, talking to a wise friend or counselor. As soon as possible -- and possibly BEFORE you even "feel better" -- BEHAVE LOVINGLY. You may say in a loving tone, "I'm upset about this, so I'm going to go take care of my feelings before saying more." You may never feel able to discuss something that has occurred and upset you! But you can return to loving behavior with your beloved. What's done is done, and likely if it's a pattern with the one you have chosen to love, it will happen again!

Nothing has to change with the other, with the situation in which I may not like or agree with, for me to demonstrate love through a kind voice, an affectionate gesture, a willingness to open my heart and my arms to my beloved when he turns to me for love and comfort.

Problems are an inevitable part of our daily lives. Apply Love.

HOMILY FOR A WEDDING

On May 21, 2011, our daughter Shannon Mullins Button married John Bosserman in Culpeper, Virginia. It was early in the evening on the large patio behind John's mother's home. The panoramic view with the Blue Ridge Mountains as backdrop was astonishingly beautiful as was the bride standing beside her handsome husband-to-be. Their four children, Kylen (16), Claire (14), Jenny (13), bridesmaids, and David (15) the best man, stood beaming with the couple. The family that were there have spoken of the joy felt at this uniting of two into one, especially so well expressed by young David Bosserman who gave such a beautiful toast at the reception that no one else dared follow with another. I wish I had that on tape.

John's elder brother, The Rev. Thomas Bosserman, officiated. His words touched us all that day, and I asked if I might share them with readers of my blog on love and relationship. I am close to tears even now as I remember him speaking to the children concerning their embarking into their second chance at marriage. Here is what Tom said.

Shannon and John, may all the blessings of God be yours this day. You have invited us as your family to witness your covenant of marriage and to celebrate your new beginnings as husband and wife, and as a larger family. At the same time, it is you who share a special witness with us, for you come to this moment not as two starry-eyed young people leaving home for the first time to build a new life with one another. You stand here as two wise and mature adults who have walked some distance down life's unpredictable road. You already know what it is to be married, to make a home and to raise children. You know the joy and comfort there can be in the husband-wife relationship, having another to fill your loneliness, to share your dreams, and to bring warmth and wonder to even the most ordinary of days.

You know too that in the pursuit of life's good gifts, we all encounter some disappointment, some suffering and heartache. It is only natural. We are human beings after all, people with differing personalities and gifts, shaped by differing family and life experiences, by both great expectations and great limitations which we bring to our relationships. And marriage is the creative and always imperfect adventure of sharing who we are with a loved and trusted companion.

Your marriage today is your witness to us that your friendship and love is WORTH THE RISK AND WORK OF MARRIAGE....

The readings you have chosen reflect hopes for your shared life. JAMES CAVANAUGH'S insight is that a good marriage is one in which the partners are free to be who they really are, not possessing, but supporting each other. A marriage counselor friend of mine likes to quip, "When two people marry they become one -- we just don't know which one!" And he means that marriage can have a kind of missionary accent -- to convert the other to one's own way of thinking and acting. That is an attempt to minimize differences and the anxiety that differences can create. But a vital marriage is one in which differences are valued and nurtured. A vital marriage is one in which the unique personhood of the partners is respected, in which each partner seeks to bring the other to a richer, fuller life. And that, of course, requires mutual encouragement, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and honest communication.

I want to share with you the witness and encouragement of my own experience, and the experience of countless other people of faith, that we do not undertake this adventure of love simply on our own power. GOD IS THE WELLSPRING OF LOVE and therefore part of your union. That is the message of the scripture from THE LETTER OF JOHN. And with God there is an abiding source of strength and renewal. God continues to nurture the power of love, to adorn and beautify, to transform and hallow the human heart and human relationships. And the great promise of God, embodied by Jesus and articulated so powerfully by St. Paul, is that there is nothing in all creation, nothing in life or in death, that shall ever be able to separate us from the love of God. This is what makes love eternal.

So, John and Shannon, build a life together on your love and promises. Build a marriage to hold your hearts and free your spirits. Build it with dreams and with caring, with patience, understanding and forgiveness, with a lifelong faithfulness to one another and a trust in the promise of God for you. And know that our love and our prayers accompany you this day and always. AMEN.

The Corner Kitchen: Rice Krispies Treats with Bacon & Chocolate

The Corner Kitchen: Rice Krispies Treats with Bacon & Chocolate

For me, cooking and sharing is a demonstration of love. Adding bacon and chocolate to a sweet recipe is like hugs and kisses.

Of course, if the ones you love are trying to avoid sweets and fat, preparing this recipe is hardly a loving act! I also enjoy making a fabulous salad to go with marinated and grilled flank steak. I try to remember the gluten-free family members when they are a part of a family get-together. And my husband doesn't like many soups, chicken tortilla and chowders being the exceptions.

*Note to self: Unless asked, it is best to mind-your-own-business concerning other people's dietary habits.

POSTSCRIPT: WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Tara is in love with Terri. I believe it! They've been a couple before and broke up because of irreconcilable differences. Tara is a neat freak. Growing up in a chaotic family situation, Tara found orderliness a way to soothe herself. Terri, similarly, comes from a dysfunctional home, and her way to deal with it was to rebel. Orderliness implies authority, and Terri thrives in an environment of no rules. She can clean up when she wants to, but she chafes at the idea of spic-and-span.

The heart doesn't seem to say, "Oh, you're just like me, I love you!" More often, at least among my friends and acquaintances, love begins with an unreasonable chemistry. Thus, most of the women and men I know have had several shots at love, never lasting. If a couple manages to beat the odds, stay together, and still love each other, it's often because one has more forbearance.

Happy couples reverence their differences. Neither has to change to make the relationship work. Compromise and consideration for the preferences of each other, yes, but not required. We can ask for what we want, I often say, but celebrate the "No's". We are who are. This is the one you love!!! THINK about it.

Tara says, "No effing way am I going to clean up after her! I'd build a resentment."

Loving without price means we live with the annoying differences. In fact, Dr. Greg Baer puts it this way: "You can live with it and hate it, or you can live with it and love it, or you can leave." It was so sad when Tara and Terri broke up before. They came back together with a resolve to make it work. "You can actually clean up after her for the rest of your life without any resentment," I tell Tara. "If you love her enough."

I do what I want to do. If I have enough time and energy to do Al's share (just a word; don't read too much into it), I may do what he doesn't like to do that I like done. It's my choice, so there is no resentment. If I don't do it, and things get into a state I'm not comfortable with, I practice the spiritual principle of acceptance. Things are exactly the way they are supposed to be right now in this moment; nothing has to change. By the way, have I mentioned how much Al does for me?

Resentment would be self-indulgent. Whoever wants it done the most does it. Unless the one who knows how free he/she is, and occasionally does that thing! Unconditional love is occasionally sacrificial. ; - D

WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Remember Dr. Laura? Schlessinger. She wrote a couple of books and had a radio show. One day a woman called complaining that her husband wouldn't clean out the car. Dr. Laura stated flatly, "Whoever wants it done the most does it." I agree!

My husband usually makes the bed first thing in the morning. When I lived alone I discovered that I don't like to make the bed, and actually enjoy climbing into an unmade bed at night. Al finds that uncivilized; he makes the bed.

I do the grocery shopping and cooking. Food matters to me. My former father-in-law did the grocery shopping, though his wife cooked whatever he brought home. Gives me chills to imagine menu planning and preparation under those conditions.

I counseled a woman once who was having great difficulty reconciling the fact that her husband, though loving and generous in many ways, refused to buy health and life insurance. She had tried every well-worn trick in the book to make him see how irresponsible his choice was, and to no avail. She was at the point of taking their year-old son and leaving. Pointing out that she would still need insurance, even life insurance on the father of her child, to have the security she was seeking, I told her she needed to take care of this herself. She didn't make as much money as her husband; she thought this was the kind of thing a man was responsible to do. "Whoever wants it done the most does it," I said. She did. She did it lovingly, because she was my student after all, and if you read my blog you know I teach that no matter what you do (even if you leave a relationship), you do so in a loving manner.

Sara told Bob, "Honey, you know how I've been begging you to get insurance? I realized that I'm the one who feels it's important, so I'm going to pay for it." She did. She had asked me what she would do when her paycheck wouldn't stretch as far as it had for her personal purchases, and I told her she could ask her husband for money when she was short. Perhaps we were both surprised when Bob became even more generous in contributing to the family expenses. Interestingly, Sara still suffered from feeling financially insecure, and got a second job!

Jorge spoke to me recently about his frustration with his friends. "A group of us tailgate during football season, but I am the one who always coordinates everything! I mean, what do they think, that my life isn't as busy as theirs? Honestly, if I didn't call everybody to be sure they were coming, I think the whole thing would just fall apart."

"Then it matters most to you," I looked into Jorge's eyes as I placed my hands over his. "If you do have the time, Jorge, just do it as you have year after year now. Do it because it is what you want, and be grateful for friends who keep on showing up because you matter to them. They wouldn't otherwise."

He thought about that for a minute. "I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right! They're my buds!"

Dana thought she had a communication problem with her boyfriend, and something better change soon or the relationship was doomed. She knew from experience. Dana and Gary are busy professionals in their mid-thirties. They have built and kept friendships since high school days so their individual social calendars were always full when they met on www.match.com. The chemistry was undeniable, he made her laugh, and all their dates made her feel this could be the lasting love she'd long been denied.

"He was super attentive in the beginning, but now, after just six months of dating, he seems to be losing interest," Dana confided, "I told him I need to feel important to him. I feel like I'm always the one making the plans for us. Maybe I'm old-fashion, but I still like the man to take the initiative."

From what Dana told me about Gary, I felt he was a man with all the qualities a woman could want in a mate, and serious about their relationship. "I think you need to let go of all your old ideas, old or new-fashion, Dana, and stay focused on what you bring to the relationship! Here is a wonderful man who has made it clear he's interested in a future that includes you by his side. Both of you have full lives and have no need from each other. A commitment to love means sacrificing your self-centered needs to make room for someone else. Remind yourself when you're tempted to be critical of the things that made you feel you'd met Mr. Right. See what happens when you remember that you were just fine without him, but you chose him to love. You can make plans, or he can, and both of you have the right to say, 'No, thanks, I'm doing something else'. Relationships work where each one is joyfully free to be themselves."

That's advice I've given to many after seeing the result in my blissful marriage. As it says in the Bible, "Love never fails."

Take care of yourself! Know that everyone is doing the best they can in every moment, or they would do it differently. Identify what your preferences are in your home, at work, in your relationships. You can ask for what you want, but a loving request always permits a refusal. Then remind yourself: whoever wants it done the most does it.

How to Be a Friend

Here I am with my friend Karol Balbin when I visited her in Germany in November 2008. We have been friends for thirty years now, nearly half my life. It is my longest friendship. Karol taught me what it means to be a friend.

I have met many people in my life, growing up an Air Force brat, and made friends. But I never learned the art of nurturing friendships. Once we said goodbye, I would eventually lose touch. Many of my friends' names I have forgotten now.

Karol and I became friends when our husbands were stationed at Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville, NC. The four of us socialized, and we gals got together with the Officer's Wives Club, for lunch and shopping. I got to share in the joy of her first daughter's birth. When our family transferred to Hawaii and the Balbin's to Illinois, we kept in touch with letters, and I flew to visit once. Karol flew to Florida to see me a few years later. We were busy with our separate lives and interests, but our friendship remained important to us. We had a heart connection. Every time we've talked or spent time with each other it was as if we had lived next door all that time.

I've pondered the endurance and strength of our friendship which, for me, has grown more meaningful over these years. We have always spoken honestly and openly with each other, sharing from the heart. Secrets shared were sacred trusts. We've talked about painful struggles we've undergone as children, as wives, and as mothers. We have different beliefs (way different!) but we don't fight! I pray for Karol and her family, and I know she does the same for me. We don't need to be in touch to know that we are loved deeply.

I have other friendships that are greatly significant to me today which have come from my learning how to be a friend with Karol Balbin. Friendships start with some common ground. They grow in the fertile soil of trusting, trustworthiness, integrity, acceptance, and caring about the other's happiness. Laughter is fertilizer, tears and a comforting shoulder to lean on are like rain on a garden. Commitment even when apart, even when much changes is like the farmer rotating crops and tilling the soil. Unconditional love is the sunshine that makes a friendship flower.

Anam cara, I learned from a book by the same name, is Celtic for "soul friend". Author John O'Donohue writes that this is a person "to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging." Nothing needs to change, and many things may change, I have named you my friend and pledged my love and bond forever.