WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?

"But, Koz, my husband (wife/partner/father/mother/son/daughter/boss....whomever) is awful."

People I work with come to me because they are unhappy in their relationships.  Most of the time, they really want a way "out" because they have tried Everything to change the difficult people and situations that make them discontent.  They may even have considered ending the relationship and somehow remained enmeshed.

I try to keep it simple.  "Live by spiritual principles, which are all rooted in love that asks nothing.  That makes it easy:  no matter the temptation to be unloving, love," I say.  I have written much about it in my blog; it is, truly, about all I say -- though I may say it in many ways and through real-life stories in an attempt to make it clear.  These are some of the things I hear:

"I couldn't believe it!  I was waiting in line and she just pushed in front of me!  And then she called ME a bitch."  

"I am really a loving person; I've been that way all my life, but then he says to me....  I just lost it!"

"Don't you think she should have consulted me before making that decision?"

"I was just so angry!  I've got so much resentment."

"I couldn't really afford it, and he didn't even say 'thank you'."

On an occasion when Jesus heard a similar lament about what someone else was doing, He said, "What is that to thee?  Follow thou me." (John 21:22)  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it this way, "The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it."

It is YOU who would like to improve your relationships.  You cannot manipulate others into doing what it is you want -- at least not all the time.  When you manage to succeed in getting what you want but the price has been that the one you want to enjoy a loving relationship with is unhappy or adds a brick in the wall that has grown between you, how does that "win" make you feel?

"I am sick and tired of being his doormat...of her emotional abuse...of always being the one to give in...of my unhappiness."  

Make your own choices.  Make them lovingly, not because you're hurt, resentful or angry.  Do what you want, but do it lovingly.  And, allow others to do what they choose to do, in whatever way they choose to do it.  What is that to you?  You are the one who is wants to live a loving life.  His/her actions are 100% about him/her, and that is so for YOU.

"I just don't trust her any more -- she's hurt me every time."

Human beings make mistakes.  Have you always been trustworthy?  You say, "Yes."  I've heard it before.  But, no!  You deliberately have done and said things BACK, at the very least.  This is what I teach: STOP being deliberately hurtful.  Don't let your buttons be pushed.  You can say you are hurt, angry, upset in a calm, grown-up voice.  You can ask for what you want without demanding it, and say you're sad or disappointed if you don't get it -- in a calm, grown-up voice.  Any other way is an unhealthy relationship behavior that will lead to greater disappointment and unhappiness for you and the others with whom you have struggled to improve relations.

"My boss is always critical and scares me with his tone of voice."

When you say, "You sound angry.  It's hard to really hear you when you look and sound angry; could you just tell me what you want to say, and ask me for what you want.  If I can, I'll say yes."  (Remember, it is always your choice to say yes or no.  Make your own choices.  Respect others' right to make their choices even if you disagree.)

"I know I need to set a boundary."

Almost always, when I hear that someone is trying to set boundaries as a new behavior, they #1-don't know that healthy boundaries are flexible; #2-do not respect other people's boundaries and right to make their own choices.  I can ask you to STOP (a boundary), but I can't make you STOP.  If you will ASK (set a boundary), you will find that you feel empowered rather than a "doormat" or "victim".  Sometimes you can set a boundary such as, "I am going to hang up the phone now," and if you then do, that's a firm boundary the other must respect.  Other times, you can set a boundary such as, "When you are angry, I get defensive, so would you please just speak in your 'nice' voice," and the person just gets louder and angrier.  Flexibility allows you to take care of yourself in another way -- for instance, just listen to what is being said.  Don't argue; don't explain/defend your point of view or choices.  Say, "We disagree, but I care about how you feel."

What you must choose for yourself is whether you really want to have more loving relationships.  If you do, trust me, it begins and ends with you becoming a loving, kind, tolerant, forgiving, nuturing, caring person NO MATTER the personality differences, NO MATTER the situation.  All of those spiritual characteristics are based in love.  Love that asks nothing to change from another, nor a situation over which you are powerless to "get better".  YOU have all the power (in your own life) when YOU decide to live a loving life.

For further reference and understanding, read/re-read any other book on spirituality and/or love and relationships.  And my blog!

WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Remember Dr. Laura? Schlessinger. She wrote a couple of books and had a radio show. One day a woman called complaining that her husband wouldn't clean out the car. Dr. Laura stated flatly, "Whoever wants it done the most does it." I agree!

My husband usually makes the bed first thing in the morning. When I lived alone I discovered that I don't like to make the bed, and actually enjoy climbing into an unmade bed at night. Al finds that uncivilized; he makes the bed.

I do the grocery shopping and cooking. Food matters to me. My former father-in-law did the grocery shopping, though his wife cooked whatever he brought home. Gives me chills to imagine menu planning and preparation under those conditions.

I counseled a woman once who was having great difficulty reconciling the fact that her husband, though loving and generous in many ways, refused to buy health and life insurance. She had tried every well-worn trick in the book to make him see how irresponsible his choice was, and to no avail. She was at the point of taking their year-old son and leaving. Pointing out that she would still need insurance, even life insurance on the father of her child, to have the security she was seeking, I told her she needed to take care of this herself. She didn't make as much money as her husband; she thought this was the kind of thing a man was responsible to do. "Whoever wants it done the most does it," I said. She did. She did it lovingly, because she was my student after all, and if you read my blog you know I teach that no matter what you do (even if you leave a relationship), you do so in a loving manner.

Sara told Bob, "Honey, you know how I've been begging you to get insurance? I realized that I'm the one who feels it's important, so I'm going to pay for it." She did. She had asked me what she would do when her paycheck wouldn't stretch as far as it had for her personal purchases, and I told her she could ask her husband for money when she was short. Perhaps we were both surprised when Bob became even more generous in contributing to the family expenses. Interestingly, Sara still suffered from feeling financially insecure, and got a second job!

Jorge spoke to me recently about his frustration with his friends. "A group of us tailgate during football season, but I am the one who always coordinates everything! I mean, what do they think, that my life isn't as busy as theirs? Honestly, if I didn't call everybody to be sure they were coming, I think the whole thing would just fall apart."

"Then it matters most to you," I looked into Jorge's eyes as I placed my hands over his. "If you do have the time, Jorge, just do it as you have year after year now. Do it because it is what you want, and be grateful for friends who keep on showing up because you matter to them. They wouldn't otherwise."

He thought about that for a minute. "I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right! They're my buds!"

Dana thought she had a communication problem with her boyfriend, and something better change soon or the relationship was doomed. She knew from experience. Dana and Gary are busy professionals in their mid-thirties. They have built and kept friendships since high school days so their individual social calendars were always full when they met on www.match.com. The chemistry was undeniable, he made her laugh, and all their dates made her feel this could be the lasting love she'd long been denied.

"He was super attentive in the beginning, but now, after just six months of dating, he seems to be losing interest," Dana confided, "I told him I need to feel important to him. I feel like I'm always the one making the plans for us. Maybe I'm old-fashion, but I still like the man to take the initiative."

From what Dana told me about Gary, I felt he was a man with all the qualities a woman could want in a mate, and serious about their relationship. "I think you need to let go of all your old ideas, old or new-fashion, Dana, and stay focused on what you bring to the relationship! Here is a wonderful man who has made it clear he's interested in a future that includes you by his side. Both of you have full lives and have no need from each other. A commitment to love means sacrificing your self-centered needs to make room for someone else. Remind yourself when you're tempted to be critical of the things that made you feel you'd met Mr. Right. See what happens when you remember that you were just fine without him, but you chose him to love. You can make plans, or he can, and both of you have the right to say, 'No, thanks, I'm doing something else'. Relationships work where each one is joyfully free to be themselves."

That's advice I've given to many after seeing the result in my blissful marriage. As it says in the Bible, "Love never fails."

Take care of yourself! Know that everyone is doing the best they can in every moment, or they would do it differently. Identify what your preferences are in your home, at work, in your relationships. You can ask for what you want, but a loving request always permits a refusal. Then remind yourself: whoever wants it done the most does it.

A HOW-TO ON LOVE

Often, when people consult me about their relationship, they have come to hate the spouse, parent, child, friend, boss. The thought of being so hateful is anathema to most of us, and so we deny it. Almost everyone else can see it or hear it when we are talking about what is going on. We cannot.

What a dilemma! I think the hope is that I will help them to change the other person, or help them have the courage to leave. No one wishes to continue to live miserably. I set them on a different path, one that is not easy, but is seriously tried-and-true.

I believe that what we are all really seeking is to be loved by Someone who knows us intimately -- without asking us to change. When I present the idea, most people agree. If they can accept that they are loved by God in just that way, we can begin. Sometimes I ask, "Who would YOU rather be?" I may ask as well, "What if I said to you that YOU must become more like, or perhaps exactly like this person of whom you despair?"

My conclusion from these conversations is that not only is their a Force in the Cosmos that knows us and loves us unconditionally, but we also love ourselves more than we know. We want to be free of judgment and condemnation, yet we continue to judge and condemn the people whom we ought most to love.

Please don't deny it by minimizing the harm done when you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes, or speak in clipped words, or avoid calling your mother. Label all unloving action for what it is: hateful and spiteful. Now, please drop the blame. As I said to the woman I first helped with her relationship issues, "I'm talking to you alone, not Enrique. If I were talking to him, I could give him this assignment. The good news is you have the power to do these things without his knowing a thing about your efforts. That is how loving unconditionally works."

Many people have put into action a few, simple suggestions (instructions?), and in every case there has been healing -- for them. Many times relationships have ended up so happy as to astound. My own for one. On occasion, after working on what one brings to the relationship and letting go of needing anything in return, someone chooses to divorce, or in some way let the relationship go -- but they have felt they were transformed for their future; they were able to leave in a loving manner.

Do this: Demonstrate loving behavior always, even when it is hard. Lay down all your defenses, including excuses and explanations for your choices. Just stop. You can say what YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU BELIEVE -- just let go of needing something or someone to change because of what you say. You can ASK for what you want (remember, you have no need from others since God, you, and others you may ask can take care of those things). Allow everyone to enjoy these freedoms as well. That means you too can say, "No," no excuse or explanation required.

Speak kindly, and more importantly -- listen without having to respond. Think about what it is you feel you need from your partner, parent, child, friend, co-workers. Figure if it matters to you, YOU can bring it to them.

You may not feel loving right away when you take this spiritual path, but if you turn back, it will be worse for you and those whom you would choose to love. If you do not turn back, though you may have missteps, I PROMISE that you will find complete fulfillment. You will come to understand what God's love really means.