TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

What makes people difficult for you?  Sometimes, it is history.  What has happened in the past may have eroded or destroyed trust in the relationship.  Deliberately hurting one another during an argument, then kissing and making up, is a common problem that undermines even the most important relationships.  If that has happened to you, whether in the workplace or at home, with a co-worker, boss, husband, parent, or child, YOU can be the catalyst for change.

First, decide to be your own best friend.  Forgive yourself for the mistakes human beings make when they don't know a better way to address a challenging situation.  You feel threatened, you take care of yourself with defensive behaviors.  Perhaps, you've developed unhealthy relationship behaviors such as anger and counter-attack when feeling set upon.  Rather than yelling or slamming a door, you may withdraw with the "silent treatment".  Either way, you are deliberately hurting the one whom you feel deliberately hurt you.  Forgive yourself, and forgive the other person who is, after all, doing the best they can humanly do too.

Make a decision for your own good:  "I will never deliberately hurt another, no matter the cause."  Instead, tell the truth about yourself when you feel upset by something someone has done or said to you.  Afraid to speak up?  Ask God for the courage, and go for it!  "When you just said____________"; or, "When you look at me that way"; or, "When you decided to____________".  Describe how the person's words or behavior affects you emotionally (feeling word) or physically (gut-tightening, for example).  Let the other person respond in whatever way they may.  Repeat once what you said.  Follow with:  "Nothing has to change, but I wanted to tell you the truth about how it is for me."

Be your own best friend by taking care of those "yucky" feelings that come from your relationship with a difficult person.  Realize, if you were a different type, you might not have those feelings.  Your problem is your problem to solve.  And, you can!  Pray The Serenity Prayer:  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and, the wisdom to know the difference."  Pray for the difficult person to find the love and peace for which you yearn.
Be gentle, kind, patient, tolerant.   Be wise! Stop thinking about what other's need to do and turn your thoughts to what YOU can do.

Sometimes, people are difficult because they are going through something that makes it impossible to manage well in their relationships.  When someone is unhappy in their job, for example, feeling trapped because of the financial pressures and lack of other options, they may need to talk about it to relieve the pressure.  He/she may not feel comfortable sharing what is going on within, not wanting you to carry their burden.  He/she may just not be the type to talk about feelings, having no idea that it can be helpful to do so.  They are called stoic.  What can YOU do?

First, grow emotionally safe for those in your life, first, by keeping to the commitment never to hurt another deliberately.  Use the new language above.  If you make a mistake and get angry or shut down, or let your face and body "show" your feelings:  STOP NOW.  Take care of your feelings as quickly as possible, and admit your mistake.  "I regret how I spoke to you."  Pledge aloud your commitment to not doing anything hurtful on purpose.  It gets easier, because you will feel better about yourself.

Next, state your observations about the one who is continually grumpy, uncommunicative and withdrawn, even, perhaps, angry over small things, and ASK:  "Would you like to talk about what's going on with you?  I don't think it's about me (or the kids, say).  Perhaps you're carrying a burden that you just need to talk about, and I would like to be safe for you to get it out."

You may be turned down initially, or told there is nothing wrong, or an excuse such as, "It is about you!"  Receive it as God would:  Don't take it personally.  Your loved one is feeling empty and afraid, don't you know.  You can say, "I think you are feeling pressure from other things, but perhaps I'm wrong."  No more.  No more.  Give your new and better behavior a chance to groom the grounds of environment.  Try again, if the behavior doesn't get better.   Don't push an agenda.  It's about demonstrating your love and caring about another's happiness, not your own.

People are difficult who suffer from emotional and mental illness.  I am particularly gentle, and speak words of empowerment with people like this.  I encourage them, when they argue with me, to make whatever choices seem in their best interest.  I tell them that I learned that everyone gets to make their own choices even if they lead to regret.  "There are no right or wrong decisions.  Every decision leads to making another one.  Sometimes the consequences are good, and sometimes not, but you get to make a new decision from that point as long as you're alive.  And I trust you to take care of yourself."

The best gift you can give, second to unconditional love, is trusting another person to do the best they can to take care of themselves, and let them hit an early bottom if they are making decisions that will bring about disaster.  As long as you fight them about their poor choices, you enable them to continue to follow the wrong path of self-destruction, because they are only focused on their fight with YOU.  I never say, "I told you so."  I say, "No matter what your choices lead to, I want you to know that I love you.  You will figure it out."

There are many options when we are open to seeing what they are.  We can stay stuck by seeing our situations with tunnel vision.  The only way out, we think, is if this person or situation changes.  Ah, but we cannot change people and are powerless over many situations.  With God's help, we can choose to live a loving life, even when we feel hurt by the words and actions of others.

I have witnessed and experienced the miracles that happen when difficult people are shown unconditional love.  Incredibly damaged relationships have been transformed when ONE in the party, whether of two or more, is willing to take these suggestions.  YOU must take care of yourself, as well as trust others to take care of themselves.

Do you think someone in your life needs a therapist?  A 12-step program?  If you are close to that someone, YOU do it!  Ask your doctor for the name of a professional therapist, or if employed, see if you have an Employee Assistance Program.  It's confidential and your insurance will cover the cost, or a portion.  Speak with someone in your county's mental health department.  "The courage to change the things I can."  Attend a 12-step program, which you can find in the phone book or in an online search.  Go to at least six meetings before deciding if it offers you something.  Look for ways to identify with others there, rather than compare your story with theirs.  Listen to know who is happy today since coming into 12-step recovery, and make a date to talk with them one-on-one.

If you won't, neither will those you love.  If you do, you will find hope and happiness.  I guarantee it.

Sometimes, living with a difficult person and taxing circumstances can wear you out!  You may have to take a break from the relationship, in order to restore your health and sanity.  If so, please do not feel guilty and ashamed of your decision.  Many people die from codependent relationships.  Codependents live their lives trying to rescue others from their unhappiness until it takes a toll on their mental and physical health.  So, you didn't find the answers above early enough to try them, and now you just know that in order to take care of yourself, you really need to leave, or ask someone to leave.  Just do it!  Do it, and seek the counseling and recovery that is available to you.  It may be the most loving act you could perform for the one who has drained you of your personal resources: time, energy, money, health.

If you don't have your own health and sanity, what do you have to offer another?  Time to take the most difficult step of all.  You feared it was coming.  If you are still unsure, try the suggestions in the earlier paragraphs.  The fact is, one day, you may come to a decision to leave, or ask someone to leave, to save your own life.  Don't do it when angry or after a hurtful event.  Do it the next day, and using good sense.

If you read the newspaper or watch the news on television, you know there can be deadly consequences to leaving someone who is unbalanced.  Seek out the appropriate assistance if you are leaving and fear the other person's reaction.  If you are not yet an adult, tell the truth about your situation at home to a school counselor, trusted teacher or adult friend, your doctor, or a policeman.  Whatever situation it, then, places you in, you will have a better chance of surviving and growing strong than remaining where you feel despair and hopelessness.  Trust me.  I know a boy who spoke up when, one more unbearable time, his mother had him take her to the hospital for an imagined illness.  He waited for an opportunity and said, "You've got to help me!  I can't take care of my mother any more!  She's mentally ill, and I can't handle it any longer!"  That was more than two years ago.  He's learned what healthy relationships are and how to take care of himself.  He's helped other young people to cope with their difficult parents.  He's in college now.  He had to leave his younger sister with his mother.  He always believed he was protecting his sister, but has since found out that she takes care of herself in other ways; she doesn't engage with her mother's difficult behavior.

If married, or in a long-time partnership, and wishing to leave, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  See an attorney and have a place to go if you're leaving the house.  If you wish your partner/spouse to leave, consider how you can have that conversation safely.  You cannot put the other person's feelings before your own personal safety, not in this day and age.  If there are weapons in the home, perhaps you can remove them before having the conversation about splitting up.  If not, again, seek counsel from an attorney or abuse hotline.

If, and when, you have made a decision to leave, I hope you will have had an opportunity to develop the unconditionally loving behaviors I've talked about here and in other pieces in this blog.  During that time, always tell the truth about what you are thinking and feeling.  "I want to be honest with you and allow you to be honest with me, I am not happy with the direction our relationship has taken.  I feel hopeless about it.  I think I want to leave.  I am working on being unconditionally loving with you; I don't want to deliberately hurt you when I feel hurt, but I have a lot of resentment that has built up over time.  I often think I just want to end this, and each of us go our way."

Don't take it back, though it hurts the other person!  Love him/her enough to take care of their own feelings.  DO affirm that you care about how your words must make him/her feel, and do not take back words you mean when you say them.

Whether it is history, conflicting personalities, alcoholism or another addiction, emotional or mental illness -- or, possibly, more than one of these matters, embracing a loving attitude that does not require other people or situations to be better than they are will empower you to find viable options.

If there is physical abuse, take care of yourself: leave.  Love from afar.  It's powerful to do that.  If there is verbal abuse, speak the truth about how those words impact you emotionally and physically, using your most "grown-up" voice.  If it happens again, speak up, using that "grown-up", detached voice as if you had not mentioned this before.  ASK the person to, please, "Say whatever it is you want to say to me, right now, in a softer tone, so I may really hear it."  HONOR any effort made to do so; mirror back what you heard, then, agree to think about what you heard.

If verbal abuse (yelling, screaming, breaking things, threats, name-calling) doesn't stop, CONSIDER, and offer, counseling or separating.  Remember what I said earlier, YOU get counseling, even if the other person refuses.

We can, and ought, ASK for behavior changes from others when their behavior offends us or makes us afraid.  These issues that have caused our difficulties, however, may mean these loved ones are inflexible at the time you ask for different behavior.  They may feel like victims and powerless to change.  Whether YOU choose to stay or leave, I can assure you from my own experience and that of many others I have helped, YOUR continued commitment to loving behavior, while taking care of yourself, will create a fertile emotional landscape for relationships to heal and take a healthier form.

WHEN RELATIONSHIP ADVICE DOESN'T WORK

A friend brought this internet relationship advice to my attention today.  Copy and paste in your browser:  http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Love-Last

Check it out!  It will be great advice for many.  In my experience, both personally and professionally, however, much of it won't stand a chance in other's relationships.  Frankly, most of the time, I think the ones who read these advice pieces read them because they are feeling disappointed in their relationships and would like their loved one or partner to take the advice.  So, let me say, if you like the article:  YOU DO IT!

You see, I believe that if you share this article with the one you love, he/she is unlikely to respond to it the way you (subconsciously?) hope.  Perhaps, I am mistaken, and I hope you will post your comments to the contrary!  I do, however, think that this advice is excellent and will take you far if YOU put it into practice, without needing your lover to do the same in return.  You will be happier, though, if you demonstrate these suggested behaviors.  And, if you're happier, your sweetheart will be happier.  I guarantee it.  Remember what I say:  You will only be happier and inspire a better relationship IF you do these things WITHOUT a requirement from your loved one.  Don't even expect appreciation.  It may come; he/she may respond with the same behavior changes that you evidence -- but NOT if you're looking for it.

Why?  Because unconditional love creates a fertile ground for love to grow, and relationships to become more meaningful.  When we "need" our loved one to take what ends up being OUR relationship advice, it, at the least, feels manipulative.  Maybe even, demanding.  I am pretty sure that what many of you will get is the opposite of what you are seeking.  "Opponents, take your opposite corners."

What I have seen and experienced is relationships blossoming to their full potential when, even, one person awakens to bringing unconditional love and acceptance to the partner of their choice.  It is lovely when you keep green the memory of what you love about him/her that made you choose to make this commitment in a monogamous relationship.  It is better when you "wake up" to the things you didn't realize would drive you crazy, and still choose to love her or him!  When you have married someone who can't remember those important dates (take me, for example), how incredibly loving is it when your spouse (my husband) is willing to remind you a week before; the day before; and the morning of?

I treasure the man!  For that reason, among many others, I am happy to close the closet doors he leaves open every, single time he opens them.  Hurray!  I can do that as a loving act, of which he was not even aware until reading this paragraph, and not call attention to myself for doing so.  Until now.  Al, I hope you won't change and take away my opportunity to demonstrate my deep love for you.

In the article, it suggests you avoid the 4 most common relationship "killers": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  Another terrific idea for YOU to practice!  My P. S. to this advice is that when your darling does these things, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.  Respond in a loving way, because he/she would not have displayed those behaviors if she/he wasn't feeling empty and afraid at that moment.  Yeah, really; think about it.  Take full responsibility, instead, for having stepped on emotional toes, and respond kindly.  When you do that, I promise, the bad moment will pass in a little while.  And, by the way, if you have a "slip" and demonstrate the ugly relationship "killers", STOP RIGHT THERE.  STOP and say:  "I was wrong to do that."

I have a friend who came to me years ago because she thought her husband's workaholism was taking a toll on the marriage and their young son.  It is a subject that has been studied, and it is true that workaholism seems to affect families in much the same way as alcoholism.  It is an even harder subject to broach than alcoholism, and as I knew her husband well, I knew his denial would just make the situation worse.  Much worse.  I advised she make the little time she had with her husband positive; that she (being a morning person) wake him in the morning to make love; that she notice and express appreciation for what he did do for the family -- like provide the security and luxuries that came along with his devotion to work, and the loving father he was to their young son (they built a canoe!).  She is one of the happiest women I know.  Her husband did not know, or care to know, what changed in their marriage because of Mandy and my conversations, but he gave me a box of chocolates every Christmas.  Their son is in college now, and truly one of the best-adjusted individuals I know.  He has never been unhappy -- imagine that.  He is as kind and loving as the parents he has grown up with are to him and each other.  A few years after Mandy worked on becoming the most loving wife and mother she could be, filling her "free time" with friends and things she found to do on her own while Bob was working, guess what?  Bob said, "Honey!  I think I may be a workaholic!"

When someone feels loved fully, in my experience, though it may take years, they face the difficulties in their life and take responsibility for it without much fanfare.

I want to address one other piece of advice from the post on "wikihow" about learning to compromise.  In a relationship with two strong personalities who commonly disagree, it won't happen.  In a relationship with one strong personality and one more submissive, compromise means one gives in.  Have I got that right?  My suggestion:  Each person gets to make their own decisions.  You can ASK that your sweetie pie take into consideration how you feel about a decision you're discussing.  YOU can always take into consideration the effect of your own decisions on her/him.  But, claim your right to make the decision that you have the right to decide.  If you or your life-partner makes a terrible, costly decision, face it without an "I told you so!", suffer the consequences with all the love you have in your heart.  Love and relationship are what matter.  OF COURSE, you should take care of yourself and your children.  Don't spend money in your control on something you do not want to.  If you have it within your power to prevent your loved one from doing something with your child that is dangerous, intervene to do so.

In some, perhaps most, cases of decision-making, you can negotiate.  That is not the same as compromise.  When negotiating with those who really are not looking for any other way than their way (children and controlling adults), start with a firm "no" -- work your way from there, and let them have the final "win". Please don't tell them I told you the secret to "negotiating".

I can honestly say that the relationship advice I offer here is tried and tested over many years and with many different relationship-types.  One of the benefits I have, besides having a delightful relationship with my husband, is seeing other relationships transform when just one person involved is willing to change, become wholly self-responsible, and bring, rather than "need" more to their loved ones.