A friend brought this internet relationship advice to my attention today. Copy and paste in your browser: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Love-Last
Check it out! It will be great advice for many. In my experience, both personally and professionally, however, much of it won't stand a chance in other's relationships. Frankly, most of the time, I think the ones who read these advice pieces read them because they are feeling disappointed in their relationships and would like their loved one or partner to take the advice. So, let me say, if you like the article: YOU DO IT!
You see, I believe that if you share this article with the one you love, he/she is unlikely to respond to it the way you (subconsciously?) hope. Perhaps, I am mistaken, and I hope you will post your comments to the contrary! I do, however, think that this advice is excellent and will take you far if YOU put it into practice, without needing your lover to do the same in return. You will be happier, though, if you demonstrate these suggested behaviors. And, if you're happier, your sweetheart will be happier. I guarantee it. Remember what I say: You will only be happier and inspire a better relationship IF you do these things WITHOUT a requirement from your loved one. Don't even expect appreciation. It may come; he/she may respond with the same behavior changes that you evidence -- but NOT if you're looking for it.
Why? Because unconditional love creates a fertile ground for love to grow, and relationships to become more meaningful. When we "need" our loved one to take what ends up being OUR relationship advice, it, at the least, feels manipulative. Maybe even, demanding. I am pretty sure that what many of you will get is the opposite of what you are seeking. "Opponents, take your opposite corners."
What I have seen and experienced is relationships blossoming to their full potential when, even, one person awakens to bringing unconditional love and acceptance to the partner of their choice. It is lovely when you keep green the memory of what you love about him/her that made you choose to make this commitment in a monogamous relationship. It is better when you "wake up" to the things you didn't realize would drive you crazy, and still choose to love her or him! When you have married someone who can't remember those important dates (take me, for example), how incredibly loving is it when your spouse (my husband) is willing to remind you a week before; the day before; and the morning of?
I treasure the man! For that reason, among many others, I am happy to close the closet doors he leaves open every, single time he opens them. Hurray! I can do that as a loving act, of which he was not even aware until reading this paragraph, and not call attention to myself for doing so. Until now. Al, I hope you won't change and take away my opportunity to demonstrate my deep love for you.
In the article, it suggests you avoid the 4 most common relationship "killers": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Another terrific idea for YOU to practice! My P. S. to this advice is that when your darling does these things, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Respond in a loving way, because he/she would not have displayed those behaviors if she/he wasn't feeling empty and afraid at that moment. Yeah, really; think about it. Take full responsibility, instead, for having stepped on emotional toes, and respond kindly. When you do that, I promise, the bad moment will pass in a little while. And, by the way, if you have a "slip" and demonstrate the ugly relationship "killers", STOP RIGHT THERE. STOP and say: "I was wrong to do that."
I have a friend who came to me years ago because she thought her husband's workaholism was taking a toll on the marriage and their young son. It is a subject that has been studied, and it is true that workaholism seems to affect families in much the same way as alcoholism. It is an even harder subject to broach than alcoholism, and as I knew her husband well, I knew his denial would just make the situation worse. Much worse. I advised she make the little time she had with her husband positive; that she (being a morning person) wake him in the morning to make love; that she notice and express appreciation for what he did do for the family -- like provide the security and luxuries that came along with his devotion to work, and the loving father he was to their young son (they built a canoe!). She is one of the happiest women I know. Her husband did not know, or care to know, what changed in their marriage because of Mandy and my conversations, but he gave me a box of chocolates every Christmas. Their son is in college now, and truly one of the best-adjusted individuals I know. He has never been unhappy -- imagine that. He is as kind and loving as the parents he has grown up with are to him and each other. A few years after Mandy worked on becoming the most loving wife and mother she could be, filling her "free time" with friends and things she found to do on her own while Bob was working, guess what? Bob said, "Honey! I think I may be a workaholic!"
When someone feels loved fully, in my experience, though it may take years, they face the difficulties in their life and take responsibility for it without much fanfare.
I want to address one other piece of advice from the post on "wikihow" about learning to compromise. In a relationship with two strong personalities who commonly disagree, it won't happen. In a relationship with one strong personality and one more submissive, compromise means one gives in. Have I got that right? My suggestion: Each person gets to make their own decisions. You can ASK that your sweetie pie take into consideration how you feel about a decision you're discussing. YOU can always take into consideration the effect of your own decisions on her/him. But, claim your right to make the decision that you have the right to decide. If you or your life-partner makes a terrible, costly decision, face it without an "I told you so!", suffer the consequences with all the love you have in your heart. Love and relationship are what matter. OF COURSE, you should take care of yourself and your children. Don't spend money in your control on something you do not want to. If you have it within your power to prevent your loved one from doing something with your child that is dangerous, intervene to do so.
In some, perhaps most, cases of decision-making, you can negotiate. That is not the same as compromise. When negotiating with those who really are not looking for any other way than their way (children and controlling adults), start with a firm "no" -- work your way from there, and let them have the final "win". Please don't tell them I told you the secret to "negotiating".
I can honestly say that the relationship advice I offer here is tried and tested over many years and with many different relationship-types. One of the benefits I have, besides having a delightful relationship with my husband, is seeing other relationships transform when just one person involved is willing to change, become wholly self-responsible, and bring, rather than "need" more to their loved ones.
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