Love cannot flower when there is abuse.
In the matter of physical abuse, a study done a number of years ago showed that once physical abuse had occurred, in 100% of cases studied physical abuse was repeated even after intervention counseling. For that reason, I cannot recommend a couple stay together where there have been physical attacks.
I have worked with two couples who chose to stay together knowing the risk, and they are doing well. One couple contracted an agreement that included his staying on antidepressant medication. He also agreed to his wife being able to stop a conversation any time, and to leave for any reason she deemed necessary. He had come to believe real love means each makes their own choices. In this case, the wife came to understand there were behaviors that felt threatening to her husband: victim body-language, placating words intended to calm him. They both learned to be safe for each other to be fully open and honest; they learned to ask for what they wanted, and to be okay with their partner saying "No" to their requests.
People may feel emotionally abused when they are belittled for expressing their thoughts or for actions the other doesn't understand, or considers stupid or inappropriate. Some feel abused when their significant other doesn't participate in discussions about the relationship or feelings. They say their partner is "emotionally unavailable".
Not often voiced is the feeling of rejection and abandonment that occurs when one party shuts down, doesn't speak, sometimes for weeks, and avoids any affectionate overtures.
Yelling, breaking things, fists through walls, saying "I hate you, I wish you were dead, I want a divorce," will certainly feel like abuse to the victim of such an assault.
My experience has been that abuse is not intended. We are often mystified by our own abusive behaviors when we see the damage we have done to someone we love. Our wish is to have connectedness. I think our inherited personality and our childhood experiences have taught us to take care of ourselves when we feel threatened but not necessarily in healthy ways. We are afraid we are not lovable; afraid we will be left; afraid we are going to lose something we have, or not get something we want.
Abuse must stop. We can make a decision: I will not abuse, nor will I be abused.
It may help to understand that what feels like abuse to you may be coming from another's fear and simply not knowing any other way to handle those fears. Understanding can help you to respond with compassion for the other. When someone has become upset with me, their voice rising, body language indicating anger, I must first take care of myself. I hold up my hand in the universal language of STOP. I smile as I do this to minimize the feeling the person may have that I am trying to take control. I may say, "I see that I have upset you." They may not STOP -- being unable to reign in emotions immediately. Remember, this is simply a learned defensive behavior. The STOP will help YOU to remember that you are two individuals, and that the hurtful behavior is not about you! It is coming from their own fears.
Other words I use: "I see I have made you angry. I would never do that on purpose and I regret it." This is important! I had to stop EVER deliberately saying or doing anything hurtful. My husband, children, and close friends know from our experience that I don't do that. Not today. In the beginning of stopping my own abusive ways, I had to admit, "I used to do that, and I was manipulative, but I do my best not to do it today." There were a few times when I slipped! I did say something intended to wound. As soon as I realized it, I promptly admitted it, and re-stated my intention to NEVER hurt purposely. With God's help.
My husband is the kind of person who withdraws emotionally when there is conflict. He takes care of himself by shutting down and out. In the beginning of our practice of loving unconditionally, if we disagreed or I said something that threw him into shut-down mode, he would say, "I am not like you; I don't get over things easily. I will probably be pretty shut down for awhile. But I love you, and I will be back." He didn't physically leave. We lived in a tiny apartment in Miami at the time, and it was hard for me when he was what I called "the mean, cold Marine". I wanted to say, "Honey! Get over it already!" However, I was learning to respect another's right to be whomever they are and to trust them to take care of themselves. It FELT like abuse, but I knew it was not. It was Al's way of repairing his feelings. It would be two weeks before I felt like he was himself again. Wow, how many times did I say The Serenity Prayer to get through that time. From time-to-time, Al would pat my knee to assure me, I think, that he was working on it -- in his way.
I am the type who speaks too quickly and too sharply. I "step on the toes of my fellows," as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "and they retaliate." In the past, my way of taking care of my feelings was to rage, break things, scream hateful words, storm off in the car -- and blame you afterward for my shameful behavior. When I found out in therapy that my abusive behavior had done irreparable harm to my family, I told my grown children that if I could not stop such behavior I would rather they left me to take care of themselves. Thank God, we learned how to STOP our old ways when we found ourselves in disagreement. My family learned to ask me to STOP if I was making them uncomfortable. I learned to put on the brakes HARD the moment I felt myself losing it emotionally.
Today, our family rarely has a problem having difficult conversations. Sometimes we choose a time to have them, and we make it a point that each one can say whatever they want to say. Nothing has to change. If we fall into conflict, we respect anyone's request to STOP for now. Whenever there has been emotional division or separation, all it takes is for one party to seek re-connection for it to happen. We never refuse reconciliation, even if we don't feel ready for it. I act as if I am ready and trust God will get me there soon enough!
