BASICS OF RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY...Are You a Safe Haven?

You keep yourself safe by establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and speaking up for yourself.  Now, you will want to become safe for others.  Remember everyone has the right to make decisions for themselves even when it inconveniences another.  Of course, caring about each other means it's important to be able to have those difficult conversations where each one gets to express their thoughts on a matter where there is disagreement.

In the beginning, it is best to set a time to have a talk when you know conflict is involved rather than spontaneously.  You can set the tone by having a good attitude, agreeing to keep an open mind, and making it clear that you would like to hear anything and everything the other person wants to say.  Take turns "hearing" by mirroring what you believe you heard and asking, "Did I hear you right?"  We have different ways of speaking, and naturally hear things differently.  Keep a sense of humor!  Go back and forth until the one speaking feels the other has understood.  STOP, and reschedule if either needs that break.  

Be trustworthy.  If you want to have relationships that are joyful, YOU must be a safe haven for others.  I had to make a decision that I would not deliberately hurt anyone even if I felt hurt by them.  Every time we make an excuse for a purposeful attack, we wreck any trust we may have built.  Be sure before you state your intention to be safe for someone that you are ready to do so.

Yes, you're human, you may make a mistake in a moment of anger.  I did.  I said something hurtful to my husband when I thought I would never do that to him.  It hasn't been my only slip, but they've been rare, because I made that decision knowing it was the right thing to do.  If you make a mistake, STOP.  In Alcoholics Anonymous it's known as a 10th Step: seeing you've made a mistake, big or small, promptly admit it.  

"Al, I can't believe I just said that to you.  I can't tell you how much I regret it.  I never thought I'd say something deliberately hurtful to you, and now I have."  I was devastated.  "If God will help me, Honey, I'll never do it again."  

In the fifteen years of our marriage, I have been thoughtless in my remarks and behaviors many times.  There have been times when it has hurt Al's feelings or made him angry.  When I tell him, "You know I would never deliberately do something to upset you," my husband knows I am speaking the truth.  I may still have to apologize for my thoughtlessness, but he understands that it comes from my personality, he trusts that my intentions are always to be loving.