"Koz, I do everything for her. Do you know I'm paying for her to go to nursing school? I'm a single mother, her dad doesn't help. It's been hard. And then I ask her to do a favor for me, just take care of the dogs for a couple of days while I go visit my friends in Jupiter. She says to me, 'Mom! I can't believe you would ask me to do that! I have so much to do on the weekends just to keep up with the laundry.'"
"I know Kitty, Rhea," I remind her, "She's doing well with her classes. She must be studying hard."
"I never ask her for help. Maybe that's the problem. She takes my helping her for granted. She takes me for granted."
I've worked with Rhea for awhile, so she isn't surprised when I ask if she can afford to do the things she does for Kitty. "Yes," she replies frankly.
"I have enough time, energy AND money to do the things I do for her." She smiles. "And, there are no strings attached. I do what I do because she's my daughter and I love her."
"Hey, girl," I say, "You are a good student. That's how WE love -- unconditionally. Because we can! Because we know God loves us and has given us all we need to take care of ourselves today, right?"
Rhea thinks for a minute, then asks, "There was nothing wrong in my asking her to do a favor for me, was there?"
"Of course not! Remember what I always say?"
"Ask for what you want, and celebrate the "No's!" Rhea is remembering the lessons we've had in our time together over the last year. "I probably need to ask more often."
"Yeah," I laugh, "She might say yes once in awhile -- especially when you don't mind if she says no. In fact, treat her as if she said yes every time. Because you can."
"You know, Koz, I ended up asking a friend if she could watch the boys, and she was happy to do it. She said I can repay her by watering her plants for her the next time she wants to get away."
As she's leaving, Rhea turns back. "So, it would be wrong of me to 'guilt' Kitty over this, huh? You know, a little martyrdom to let her know how I feel?"
"OMG," I throw my hands up, "That's one of the most unloving things you could do, number one! And number two: where has that ever got us?"
Rhea is laughing so hard now, remembering, I imagine, what it used to be like when she and Kitty were always at odds with each other and how miserable with self-pity they both were. They have a very loving relationship today, even if Kitty is pretty self-centered still, she really does appreciate her mom, just not so much she's going to inconvenience herself.
Everyone has the right to make their own choices. We can't always understand another's motives. What we can do is check our own. We can ask ourselves, "Where am I being selfish, self-centered, self-seeking? How am I being dishonest about what I'm seeking here? What am I afraid I'm going to lose or not get? Am I being inconsiderate?" We can take care of ourselves by not putting all our needs on one or a few. I like to think that when my children say no to me, no matter how small the request may seem to be to me, that they are taking care of themselves. That's a healthy behavior I encourage. It's number one in my Basics for Relationship Recovery.
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