WHEN RELATIONSHIP ADVICE DOESN'T WORK

A friend brought this internet relationship advice to my attention today.  Copy and paste in your browser:  http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Love-Last

Check it out!  It will be great advice for many.  In my experience, both personally and professionally, however, much of it won't stand a chance in other's relationships.  Frankly, most of the time, I think the ones who read these advice pieces read them because they are feeling disappointed in their relationships and would like their loved one or partner to take the advice.  So, let me say, if you like the article:  YOU DO IT!

You see, I believe that if you share this article with the one you love, he/she is unlikely to respond to it the way you (subconsciously?) hope.  Perhaps, I am mistaken, and I hope you will post your comments to the contrary!  I do, however, think that this advice is excellent and will take you far if YOU put it into practice, without needing your lover to do the same in return.  You will be happier, though, if you demonstrate these suggested behaviors.  And, if you're happier, your sweetheart will be happier.  I guarantee it.  Remember what I say:  You will only be happier and inspire a better relationship IF you do these things WITHOUT a requirement from your loved one.  Don't even expect appreciation.  It may come; he/she may respond with the same behavior changes that you evidence -- but NOT if you're looking for it.

Why?  Because unconditional love creates a fertile ground for love to grow, and relationships to become more meaningful.  When we "need" our loved one to take what ends up being OUR relationship advice, it, at the least, feels manipulative.  Maybe even, demanding.  I am pretty sure that what many of you will get is the opposite of what you are seeking.  "Opponents, take your opposite corners."

What I have seen and experienced is relationships blossoming to their full potential when, even, one person awakens to bringing unconditional love and acceptance to the partner of their choice.  It is lovely when you keep green the memory of what you love about him/her that made you choose to make this commitment in a monogamous relationship.  It is better when you "wake up" to the things you didn't realize would drive you crazy, and still choose to love her or him!  When you have married someone who can't remember those important dates (take me, for example), how incredibly loving is it when your spouse (my husband) is willing to remind you a week before; the day before; and the morning of?

I treasure the man!  For that reason, among many others, I am happy to close the closet doors he leaves open every, single time he opens them.  Hurray!  I can do that as a loving act, of which he was not even aware until reading this paragraph, and not call attention to myself for doing so.  Until now.  Al, I hope you won't change and take away my opportunity to demonstrate my deep love for you.

In the article, it suggests you avoid the 4 most common relationship "killers": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  Another terrific idea for YOU to practice!  My P. S. to this advice is that when your darling does these things, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.  Respond in a loving way, because he/she would not have displayed those behaviors if she/he wasn't feeling empty and afraid at that moment.  Yeah, really; think about it.  Take full responsibility, instead, for having stepped on emotional toes, and respond kindly.  When you do that, I promise, the bad moment will pass in a little while.  And, by the way, if you have a "slip" and demonstrate the ugly relationship "killers", STOP RIGHT THERE.  STOP and say:  "I was wrong to do that."

I have a friend who came to me years ago because she thought her husband's workaholism was taking a toll on the marriage and their young son.  It is a subject that has been studied, and it is true that workaholism seems to affect families in much the same way as alcoholism.  It is an even harder subject to broach than alcoholism, and as I knew her husband well, I knew his denial would just make the situation worse.  Much worse.  I advised she make the little time she had with her husband positive; that she (being a morning person) wake him in the morning to make love; that she notice and express appreciation for what he did do for the family -- like provide the security and luxuries that came along with his devotion to work, and the loving father he was to their young son (they built a canoe!).  She is one of the happiest women I know.  Her husband did not know, or care to know, what changed in their marriage because of Mandy and my conversations, but he gave me a box of chocolates every Christmas.  Their son is in college now, and truly one of the best-adjusted individuals I know.  He has never been unhappy -- imagine that.  He is as kind and loving as the parents he has grown up with are to him and each other.  A few years after Mandy worked on becoming the most loving wife and mother she could be, filling her "free time" with friends and things she found to do on her own while Bob was working, guess what?  Bob said, "Honey!  I think I may be a workaholic!"

When someone feels loved fully, in my experience, though it may take years, they face the difficulties in their life and take responsibility for it without much fanfare.

I want to address one other piece of advice from the post on "wikihow" about learning to compromise.  In a relationship with two strong personalities who commonly disagree, it won't happen.  In a relationship with one strong personality and one more submissive, compromise means one gives in.  Have I got that right?  My suggestion:  Each person gets to make their own decisions.  You can ASK that your sweetie pie take into consideration how you feel about a decision you're discussing.  YOU can always take into consideration the effect of your own decisions on her/him.  But, claim your right to make the decision that you have the right to decide.  If you or your life-partner makes a terrible, costly decision, face it without an "I told you so!", suffer the consequences with all the love you have in your heart.  Love and relationship are what matter.  OF COURSE, you should take care of yourself and your children.  Don't spend money in your control on something you do not want to.  If you have it within your power to prevent your loved one from doing something with your child that is dangerous, intervene to do so.

In some, perhaps most, cases of decision-making, you can negotiate.  That is not the same as compromise.  When negotiating with those who really are not looking for any other way than their way (children and controlling adults), start with a firm "no" -- work your way from there, and let them have the final "win". Please don't tell them I told you the secret to "negotiating".

I can honestly say that the relationship advice I offer here is tried and tested over many years and with many different relationship-types.  One of the benefits I have, besides having a delightful relationship with my husband, is seeing other relationships transform when just one person involved is willing to change, become wholly self-responsible, and bring, rather than "need" more to their loved ones.

CAN'T? OR WON'T?

I want the loving way to be possible for my clients -- for YOU, my readers.  I've had twenty years of practice, learning more as new situations and people cross my path.  I've learned from those under my tutelage as they apply what I teach in the ways they do.  

Keep it simple.  Remember love.  Let love be your only option.  You can say anything you want to say, even "Goodbye" in a gentle voice, considerate of the pain that may cause the one you are leaving.  You can make any decision concerning yourself without explaining the reasons or defending your right to do so.  Be firm, but kind.  Others may not understand and may suffer, so be tolerant of their agony while they learn to take care of their feelings.  If you are but consistently loving and caring, you will find the path remains solidly underfoot.

Shelby said to me, "I'm trying, Koz, but I can't!"  "Shelby," I said, "Change that can't to a won't."  She didn't want to do that.  And, why not?  I think she and others who continue to use the word can't have an inner-knowing that to say won't confirms they actually can.  

I'm insistent.  "Say it, Shelby.  I don't care what you do, but own the God-given power you have to live lovingly or be the problem here."  

I have said on more than one occasion, "Leave if you want to, but tell the truth.  When you leave, say it's because YOU are not yet loving enough to stay and live with the way things are."  

I remember it was my brother Patrick who first suggested I change my can't to a won't.  I had always been particularly resistant to any advice from my middle brother.  From the help I'd been getting in treatment for codependency, I realized I could give him what I had recently identified as something I wanted.  It's called "active listening"; I mirrored back what I heard him say.  "So, you think I should say 'won't' whenever I am saying 'can't'?"  He said, "Do it right now."  

My brother was more than surprised when I let him guide me.  I took that suggestion then, and it literally changed my life from that point.  To this day, if the word can't comes out of my mouth, I immediately change it.  It is now in my power to CHOOSE.  The situation or person involved has nothing to do with whether I WILL or I WON'T.  Power.  Choose what God (or your higher and best self) would have you to:  Love.

WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?

"But, Koz, my husband (wife/partner/father/mother/son/daughter/boss....whomever) is awful."

People I work with come to me because they are unhappy in their relationships.  Most of the time, they really want a way "out" because they have tried Everything to change the difficult people and situations that make them discontent.  They may even have considered ending the relationship and somehow remained enmeshed.

I try to keep it simple.  "Live by spiritual principles, which are all rooted in love that asks nothing.  That makes it easy:  no matter the temptation to be unloving, love," I say.  I have written much about it in my blog; it is, truly, about all I say -- though I may say it in many ways and through real-life stories in an attempt to make it clear.  These are some of the things I hear:

"I couldn't believe it!  I was waiting in line and she just pushed in front of me!  And then she called ME a bitch."  

"I am really a loving person; I've been that way all my life, but then he says to me....  I just lost it!"

"Don't you think she should have consulted me before making that decision?"

"I was just so angry!  I've got so much resentment."

"I couldn't really afford it, and he didn't even say 'thank you'."

On an occasion when Jesus heard a similar lament about what someone else was doing, He said, "What is that to thee?  Follow thou me." (John 21:22)  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it this way, "The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it."

It is YOU who would like to improve your relationships.  You cannot manipulate others into doing what it is you want -- at least not all the time.  When you manage to succeed in getting what you want but the price has been that the one you want to enjoy a loving relationship with is unhappy or adds a brick in the wall that has grown between you, how does that "win" make you feel?

"I am sick and tired of being his doormat...of her emotional abuse...of always being the one to give in...of my unhappiness."  

Make your own choices.  Make them lovingly, not because you're hurt, resentful or angry.  Do what you want, but do it lovingly.  And, allow others to do what they choose to do, in whatever way they choose to do it.  What is that to you?  You are the one who is wants to live a loving life.  His/her actions are 100% about him/her, and that is so for YOU.

"I just don't trust her any more -- she's hurt me every time."

Human beings make mistakes.  Have you always been trustworthy?  You say, "Yes."  I've heard it before.  But, no!  You deliberately have done and said things BACK, at the very least.  This is what I teach: STOP being deliberately hurtful.  Don't let your buttons be pushed.  You can say you are hurt, angry, upset in a calm, grown-up voice.  You can ask for what you want without demanding it, and say you're sad or disappointed if you don't get it -- in a calm, grown-up voice.  Any other way is an unhealthy relationship behavior that will lead to greater disappointment and unhappiness for you and the others with whom you have struggled to improve relations.

"My boss is always critical and scares me with his tone of voice."

When you say, "You sound angry.  It's hard to really hear you when you look and sound angry; could you just tell me what you want to say, and ask me for what you want.  If I can, I'll say yes."  (Remember, it is always your choice to say yes or no.  Make your own choices.  Respect others' right to make their choices even if you disagree.)

"I know I need to set a boundary."

Almost always, when I hear that someone is trying to set boundaries as a new behavior, they #1-don't know that healthy boundaries are flexible; #2-do not respect other people's boundaries and right to make their own choices.  I can ask you to STOP (a boundary), but I can't make you STOP.  If you will ASK (set a boundary), you will find that you feel empowered rather than a "doormat" or "victim".  Sometimes you can set a boundary such as, "I am going to hang up the phone now," and if you then do, that's a firm boundary the other must respect.  Other times, you can set a boundary such as, "When you are angry, I get defensive, so would you please just speak in your 'nice' voice," and the person just gets louder and angrier.  Flexibility allows you to take care of yourself in another way -- for instance, just listen to what is being said.  Don't argue; don't explain/defend your point of view or choices.  Say, "We disagree, but I care about how you feel."

What you must choose for yourself is whether you really want to have more loving relationships.  If you do, trust me, it begins and ends with you becoming a loving, kind, tolerant, forgiving, nuturing, caring person NO MATTER the personality differences, NO MATTER the situation.  All of those spiritual characteristics are based in love.  Love that asks nothing to change from another, nor a situation over which you are powerless to "get better".  YOU have all the power (in your own life) when YOU decide to live a loving life.

For further reference and understanding, read/re-read any other book on spirituality and/or love and relationships.  And my blog!

AFFIRMATIONS WORK IF YOU WORK THEM

I wasn't convinced that affirmations could impact my life.  When my doctor, noting my low self-esteem, suggested I look in the mirror every day and say, "I love you," I was reluctant.  Then, I gave it a try.  I couldn't even look into my own eyes and say the words.  That was disturbing, yet I continued to make the effort.  In time, I could look at myself and say, "I love you," and so I thought I was done.

Years later!  Years!  How sad that I put off getting the help I needed to become the happy, healthy person I am today.  If I had understood that my deep-rooted issues could be uprooted and discarded, that I could grow a better Kozie, I would certainly have had a different attitude.  Oh, well, thank God it is never too late to find healing.  Affirmations work, if you work them!

I spiraled down because of codependency until I was lost.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say,I participated in therapy that was painful.  I became a member of Al Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.  I wrote affirmations on paper and taped them to my bathroom mirror, reading them aloud as I looked in that mirror.  Everyday.

One day, I heard myself say, "You're terrific!  You're terrific!"  Honestly, it scared me for a moment.  I was embarrassed, even though I was alone, even to have had the thought.  Then I remembered it was an affirmation I had been given by others in my codependency group and had been repeating for weeks.  I am terrific.  I am.

I AM LOVING TO MYSELF AND OTHERS.  


I HAVE ENOUGH; I DO ENOUGH; I AM ENOUGH.


I USED TO EAT FOR 100 REASONS, BUT TODAY I FUEL MY BODY FOR ENERGY AND WELL-BEING.


GOD IS ALL I NEED.  I AM HERE TO BRING LOVE AND HEALING TO OTHERS.

HOW TO CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CAN

Sadly, most unhappy people are not going to find happiness in this life. I consider it no less than a miracle to have had a happy life for the past 20 years. Many events had to conspire to bring me to a crossroad at the age of 45 when I chose to take a new direction.

Like most people I've met who, like me, have childhood wounds from growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home, I had developed behaviors that worked to "protect" me from emotionally abusive people. I was wrapped in a cocoon of protection that ultimately kept me from growing my own mental health. Go to your internet search engine and type in "Defensive Behaviors". The things we do to cope in life when we know no other way. Once I learned that such behaviors as "explaining" my decisions to others (rationalization), or blaming others, criticizing their behaviors rather than owning those behaviors in myself (projection), were unhealthy, I wanted to STOP! So, I did.

Look up some articles online about "Self-Esteem". What does it look like when you have low self-esteem, medium self-esteem or high self-esteem. I chose to give up behaviors that indicated a low self-esteem. I let go of feelings of shame and guilt which I came to recognize in my self-critical thoughts. I would say out loud, "I used to feel I was stupid -- or, I used to feel bad about my decisions when people got angry -- but today I love myself and am willing to be responsible for my decisions wherever they take me."

I STOPPED trying to make other people feel better, even if they felt I was responsible for how they felt. It was all I could do to make myself feel better!  That is my responsibility.

I adopted a singular focus that made it possible to change. I demonstrated only loving behavior in all circumstances and with all people. I was kind to bad drivers, slow cashiers, rude people, angry people. No matter how tempted I was to feel "wronged" - I immediately was gentle and kind.  I didn't allow myself any leeway on my decision to be universally and unconditionally loving.  I didn't permit any "self-justification" even if all my friends told me I had a "right" to be angry or hurt.  NO! My behaviors are always loving: to myself, and to all.  If they are not (I am still human, after all), I change course as soon as I am aware.

 One of my teachers, Dr. Greg Baer, says, "If you're angry, you're wrong." I am set free when I admit my wrong and now see you as INNOCENT. As if you never sinned. As God loves us.

I have been happy for nearly 20 years. Life happens and is difficult in many ways -- true for everyone!  Treat people and circumstances with gentleness, kindness, and patience.  You will know a depth of joy and peace you didn't know existed.

"The power to change the things we can" lies within us to change us. Love that is like God's, requiring nothing in return, is the vehicle.  The HOW.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Everyone experiences conflict and falls occasionally into power struggles in their relationships. A little humor was added at the end of the wedding ceremony when my son married. The minister turned to the bride and said, "He's the boss of you." Her mouth dropped open in shock, and she was actually speechless. It was a great joke, and been repeated as a gentle reminder by the spouses whenever one or the other feels pressured by the other -- "You're not the boss of me," they'll say with a smile or a smirk ;-D.

I think I've written it before: each individual has a right to make their choices. Of course we take into account how our decisions affect others. When taking a personal inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous we are encouraged to ask the following....

Where have I been selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful -- inconsiderate?

Had your buttons pushed lately? Think about your initial reaction when someone close "pushes a button". We all know what that means, because we remember the feeling of defensiveness that immediately arises under those familiar circumstances. It isn't the right thing to do, deliberately say or do something you know will be taken badly, I think we can all agree about that. So, first things first, STOP doing that! Each person gets to make their own choices, and if your choice is to create more loving relationships then it is you who must begin the process by making all your choices loving and considerate.

A. A. elaborates on how to live a 12-Step program in a book called The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, informally known as "The 12-and-12". "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

First things first. Quiet the disturbance. When your buttons are pushed, you know it. You may have a general feeling of unease that you too easily dismiss. Proceeding at this point, you know what happens -- before you know it, you're in disagreement, conflict, your emotions are heightened. You may never mean to, but too often you end up saying something you regret.

The conflict may be resolved again and again, but emotional safety in the relationship is not easily restored. The result is we react instantly when that button is pushed the next time. "Sorry" alone is not a preventative. Learning how to FIRST, QUIET THE DISTURBANCE is the only remedy to this repeated pattern of behavior.

So, there are two steps, simple to take once you know what they are, and have decided

you really and truly do want to have more loving relationships 1.) Decide now, for the future, "I will never again deliberately hurt another person." 2.) When negative emotions rise in you, quiet the disturbance.

In the beginning, you may falter. Patterns of behavior are not easily changed. Someone will do or say something that has been "unacceptable" to you for a long, long time. You may strike back in a way you have before (a defensive behavior); or, you may withdraw in "silent scorn" as they call it in A. A. (also a defensive behavior). Decide NOW that when that happens, you will remember your vow never again to deliberately hurt another person -- yes, that means even if you feel they deserve it and you are fully justified! Where has that ever got you before but back to square one? STOP! Right in the middle of it -- just as soon as you are aware that you are uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is going, or, if it's too late for that and you're shouting -- it doesn't matter. What matters is that you STOP at that moment you become aware of your own negative emotions. STOP! You need never be "sorry" again if you simply begin to STOP where you can. It gets easier.

Quieting your own negative emotions is a learning process as well. There are many remedies. Prayer works. "God, help me," repeated to yourself over and over until you are calm works. Counting to ten over and over again until you can make a better "next move" works. I have to remove myself from what's happening, physically, if possible. I try to do that gently, kindly -- because any other way is inconsiderate of how my leaving affects another! When I can't physically separate myself from a storm-a-comin', I have learned to keep my mouth SHUT and a Mona Lisa smile on my face. It's kind of funny when I am in that position, the other person seems to be compelled to continue adding to their initial offensive remark. Holy cow, if I hadn't developed a sense of humor I'd be sunk! Having control over myself is the pay-off, but I will admit that in the beginning of my loving-practice, I couldn't have done it.

In the beginning, try one of my other lessons: Hold your hand up in the universal sign of: STOP. Smile, though. That's how you learn to actually be considerate of another's feelings. You do want them to stop their part of what's brewing, but you do not have control over their choice to actually do so. Make the request ("Talk to the hand."), but do it with a loving, gentle smile. That takes the sting out of your part.

FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

A mahjong app I have on my cell phone rewards a win with tongue-in-cheek fortune cookie wisdom. When this one presented itself, however, the intended irony missed its mark with me! "A problem will present itself to your solution," it read.

"Yes, it will," I laughed to myself. I often say that there is a spiritual solution to every problem, and that every spiritual principle is anchored in unconditional love. Love that desires nothing from another nor from a situation is the solution. In other words, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE for me to live in the solution of Love.

A couple struggling to make their relationship work in the face of mounting conflict met with me recently. I usually begin by sharing my vision for a healthy, loving relationship -- what it will "look like" when we get there! Therefore, I suggested that anything they might have in mind to bring to me as a problem wait until I finished my presentation. When I've done this in the past, quite often a couple will look at each other afterward and smile or laugh, because whatever recent squabble they've had, making them feel hopeless about staying together, they realize in the Light of Love is no problem at all. In this particular case, and not at all unusual, one-half of the couple was determined to discuss the argument au courant.

Stuck in the problem, believing he was right and had been wronged by his spouse, no progress could be made in resolving the issue. Past promises made to love each other through thick and thin were now merely a contract to be dissolved through divorce.

I think the real problem is how we view love. If love means adjustment to the beloved's preferences, which of the beloved gets to have his or her way? Everyone laughs at the tee-shirt "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," yet I have seen women wear it proudly. If love is dependent on feeling love for each other, the relationship is under constant threat and there is no emotional safety.

The words of St. Paul in I Corinthians 13 gives clarity to the meaning of real love in The Message/Remix Biblical translation. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head. Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

For me and countless others who enjoy healthy relationships, these are not an ideal, rather they guide our action in living with others. They undergird the commitment we have made when we said we would love each other "until death do us part." We do not have to agree, nor have the same living habits. We can make mistakes that in some way impact each other. We may be thoughtless, even habitually inconsiderate. Real love understands human frailty. It never holds a grudge.

To begin living a truly loving life takes practice. Imagine you make the decision to love that One, perhaps already someone with whom you planed to love for life (To thee I bequeath all my worldly goods, etc.). First, try reminding yourself daily, "I love myself today, just as I am. I do not have to change." Learning to love oneself and take responsibility for one's own well-being even within a committed relationship is a requirement of Real Love. If I can't love myself even though I'm totally disorganized and have piles of this and that all over the living room, am often late and forget to call to assure you I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere, and dent the car on a regular basis, how am I going to love you when you are a neat-freak to the point of being anal, have a "thing" about never being late, and your car still has a "new car" smell after three years?

After a month of learning to love yourself, daily say, "I love ___________ just as he/she is today. He/she doesn't have to change."

These are obviously mere exercises to shake us loose from the old and false ideas we hold concerning love. Our practice must expand, and that happens gradually as our understanding increases. "You did what! I told you not to touch that savings account without discussing it with me first!" "It's my money as much as yours and I had to make a quick decision then and there!" STOP!!! STOP. You actually can, with determination and improved effort STOP fighting. Your feelings are your entirely your responsibility. Withdraw from whatever the conflict is and FIX YOUR FEELINGS YOURSELF. Nothing has to change. Nothing is likely to change when partners in a relationship have negative emotions controlling what happens next. Reflect on the past and I'm sure you'll agree.

In every situation that arises, feelings, as they say, are not facts, so address them in some healthy reparative way, such as through prayer, taking a long walk, talking to a wise friend or counselor. As soon as possible -- and possibly BEFORE you even "feel better" -- BEHAVE LOVINGLY. You may say in a loving tone, "I'm upset about this, so I'm going to go take care of my feelings before saying more." You may never feel able to discuss something that has occurred and upset you! But you can return to loving behavior with your beloved. What's done is done, and likely if it's a pattern with the one you have chosen to love, it will happen again!

Nothing has to change with the other, with the situation in which I may not like or agree with, for me to demonstrate love through a kind voice, an affectionate gesture, a willingness to open my heart and my arms to my beloved when he turns to me for love and comfort.

Problems are an inevitable part of our daily lives. Apply Love.