HOW TO CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CAN

Sadly, most unhappy people are not going to find happiness in this life. I consider it no less than a miracle to have had a happy life for the past 20 years. Many events had to conspire to bring me to a crossroad at the age of 45 when I chose to take a new direction.

Like most people I've met who, like me, have childhood wounds from growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home, I had developed behaviors that worked to "protect" me from emotionally abusive people. I was wrapped in a cocoon of protection that ultimately kept me from growing my own mental health. Go to your internet search engine and type in "Defensive Behaviors". The things we do to cope in life when we know no other way. Once I learned that such behaviors as "explaining" my decisions to others (rationalization), or blaming others, criticizing their behaviors rather than owning those behaviors in myself (projection), were unhealthy, I wanted to STOP! So, I did.

Look up some articles online about "Self-Esteem". What does it look like when you have low self-esteem, medium self-esteem or high self-esteem. I chose to give up behaviors that indicated a low self-esteem. I let go of feelings of shame and guilt which I came to recognize in my self-critical thoughts. I would say out loud, "I used to feel I was stupid -- or, I used to feel bad about my decisions when people got angry -- but today I love myself and am willing to be responsible for my decisions wherever they take me."

I STOPPED trying to make other people feel better, even if they felt I was responsible for how they felt. It was all I could do to make myself feel better!  That is my responsibility.

I adopted a singular focus that made it possible to change. I demonstrated only loving behavior in all circumstances and with all people. I was kind to bad drivers, slow cashiers, rude people, angry people. No matter how tempted I was to feel "wronged" - I immediately was gentle and kind.  I didn't allow myself any leeway on my decision to be universally and unconditionally loving.  I didn't permit any "self-justification" even if all my friends told me I had a "right" to be angry or hurt.  NO! My behaviors are always loving: to myself, and to all.  If they are not (I am still human, after all), I change course as soon as I am aware.

 One of my teachers, Dr. Greg Baer, says, "If you're angry, you're wrong." I am set free when I admit my wrong and now see you as INNOCENT. As if you never sinned. As God loves us.

I have been happy for nearly 20 years. Life happens and is difficult in many ways -- true for everyone!  Treat people and circumstances with gentleness, kindness, and patience.  You will know a depth of joy and peace you didn't know existed.

"The power to change the things we can" lies within us to change us. Love that is like God's, requiring nothing in return, is the vehicle.  The HOW.