WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?

"But, Koz, my husband (wife/partner/father/mother/son/daughter/boss....whomever) is awful."

People I work with come to me because they are unhappy in their relationships.  Most of the time, they really want a way "out" because they have tried Everything to change the difficult people and situations that make them discontent.  They may even have considered ending the relationship and somehow remained enmeshed.

I try to keep it simple.  "Live by spiritual principles, which are all rooted in love that asks nothing.  That makes it easy:  no matter the temptation to be unloving, love," I say.  I have written much about it in my blog; it is, truly, about all I say -- though I may say it in many ways and through real-life stories in an attempt to make it clear.  These are some of the things I hear:

"I couldn't believe it!  I was waiting in line and she just pushed in front of me!  And then she called ME a bitch."  

"I am really a loving person; I've been that way all my life, but then he says to me....  I just lost it!"

"Don't you think she should have consulted me before making that decision?"

"I was just so angry!  I've got so much resentment."

"I couldn't really afford it, and he didn't even say 'thank you'."

On an occasion when Jesus heard a similar lament about what someone else was doing, He said, "What is that to thee?  Follow thou me." (John 21:22)  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it this way, "The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it."

It is YOU who would like to improve your relationships.  You cannot manipulate others into doing what it is you want -- at least not all the time.  When you manage to succeed in getting what you want but the price has been that the one you want to enjoy a loving relationship with is unhappy or adds a brick in the wall that has grown between you, how does that "win" make you feel?

"I am sick and tired of being his doormat...of her emotional abuse...of always being the one to give in...of my unhappiness."  

Make your own choices.  Make them lovingly, not because you're hurt, resentful or angry.  Do what you want, but do it lovingly.  And, allow others to do what they choose to do, in whatever way they choose to do it.  What is that to you?  You are the one who is wants to live a loving life.  His/her actions are 100% about him/her, and that is so for YOU.

"I just don't trust her any more -- she's hurt me every time."

Human beings make mistakes.  Have you always been trustworthy?  You say, "Yes."  I've heard it before.  But, no!  You deliberately have done and said things BACK, at the very least.  This is what I teach: STOP being deliberately hurtful.  Don't let your buttons be pushed.  You can say you are hurt, angry, upset in a calm, grown-up voice.  You can ask for what you want without demanding it, and say you're sad or disappointed if you don't get it -- in a calm, grown-up voice.  Any other way is an unhealthy relationship behavior that will lead to greater disappointment and unhappiness for you and the others with whom you have struggled to improve relations.

"My boss is always critical and scares me with his tone of voice."

When you say, "You sound angry.  It's hard to really hear you when you look and sound angry; could you just tell me what you want to say, and ask me for what you want.  If I can, I'll say yes."  (Remember, it is always your choice to say yes or no.  Make your own choices.  Respect others' right to make their choices even if you disagree.)

"I know I need to set a boundary."

Almost always, when I hear that someone is trying to set boundaries as a new behavior, they #1-don't know that healthy boundaries are flexible; #2-do not respect other people's boundaries and right to make their own choices.  I can ask you to STOP (a boundary), but I can't make you STOP.  If you will ASK (set a boundary), you will find that you feel empowered rather than a "doormat" or "victim".  Sometimes you can set a boundary such as, "I am going to hang up the phone now," and if you then do, that's a firm boundary the other must respect.  Other times, you can set a boundary such as, "When you are angry, I get defensive, so would you please just speak in your 'nice' voice," and the person just gets louder and angrier.  Flexibility allows you to take care of yourself in another way -- for instance, just listen to what is being said.  Don't argue; don't explain/defend your point of view or choices.  Say, "We disagree, but I care about how you feel."

What you must choose for yourself is whether you really want to have more loving relationships.  If you do, trust me, it begins and ends with you becoming a loving, kind, tolerant, forgiving, nuturing, caring person NO MATTER the personality differences, NO MATTER the situation.  All of those spiritual characteristics are based in love.  Love that asks nothing to change from another, nor a situation over which you are powerless to "get better".  YOU have all the power (in your own life) when YOU decide to live a loving life.

For further reference and understanding, read/re-read any other book on spirituality and/or love and relationships.  And my blog!

AFFIRMATIONS WORK IF YOU WORK THEM

I wasn't convinced that affirmations could impact my life.  When my doctor, noting my low self-esteem, suggested I look in the mirror every day and say, "I love you," I was reluctant.  Then, I gave it a try.  I couldn't even look into my own eyes and say the words.  That was disturbing, yet I continued to make the effort.  In time, I could look at myself and say, "I love you," and so I thought I was done.

Years later!  Years!  How sad that I put off getting the help I needed to become the happy, healthy person I am today.  If I had understood that my deep-rooted issues could be uprooted and discarded, that I could grow a better Kozie, I would certainly have had a different attitude.  Oh, well, thank God it is never too late to find healing.  Affirmations work, if you work them!

I spiraled down because of codependency until I was lost.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say,I participated in therapy that was painful.  I became a member of Al Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.  I wrote affirmations on paper and taped them to my bathroom mirror, reading them aloud as I looked in that mirror.  Everyday.

One day, I heard myself say, "You're terrific!  You're terrific!"  Honestly, it scared me for a moment.  I was embarrassed, even though I was alone, even to have had the thought.  Then I remembered it was an affirmation I had been given by others in my codependency group and had been repeating for weeks.  I am terrific.  I am.

I AM LOVING TO MYSELF AND OTHERS.  


I HAVE ENOUGH; I DO ENOUGH; I AM ENOUGH.


I USED TO EAT FOR 100 REASONS, BUT TODAY I FUEL MY BODY FOR ENERGY AND WELL-BEING.


GOD IS ALL I NEED.  I AM HERE TO BRING LOVE AND HEALING TO OTHERS.

HOW TO CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CAN

Sadly, most unhappy people are not going to find happiness in this life. I consider it no less than a miracle to have had a happy life for the past 20 years. Many events had to conspire to bring me to a crossroad at the age of 45 when I chose to take a new direction.

Like most people I've met who, like me, have childhood wounds from growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home, I had developed behaviors that worked to "protect" me from emotionally abusive people. I was wrapped in a cocoon of protection that ultimately kept me from growing my own mental health. Go to your internet search engine and type in "Defensive Behaviors". The things we do to cope in life when we know no other way. Once I learned that such behaviors as "explaining" my decisions to others (rationalization), or blaming others, criticizing their behaviors rather than owning those behaviors in myself (projection), were unhealthy, I wanted to STOP! So, I did.

Look up some articles online about "Self-Esteem". What does it look like when you have low self-esteem, medium self-esteem or high self-esteem. I chose to give up behaviors that indicated a low self-esteem. I let go of feelings of shame and guilt which I came to recognize in my self-critical thoughts. I would say out loud, "I used to feel I was stupid -- or, I used to feel bad about my decisions when people got angry -- but today I love myself and am willing to be responsible for my decisions wherever they take me."

I STOPPED trying to make other people feel better, even if they felt I was responsible for how they felt. It was all I could do to make myself feel better!  That is my responsibility.

I adopted a singular focus that made it possible to change. I demonstrated only loving behavior in all circumstances and with all people. I was kind to bad drivers, slow cashiers, rude people, angry people. No matter how tempted I was to feel "wronged" - I immediately was gentle and kind.  I didn't allow myself any leeway on my decision to be universally and unconditionally loving.  I didn't permit any "self-justification" even if all my friends told me I had a "right" to be angry or hurt.  NO! My behaviors are always loving: to myself, and to all.  If they are not (I am still human, after all), I change course as soon as I am aware.

 One of my teachers, Dr. Greg Baer, says, "If you're angry, you're wrong." I am set free when I admit my wrong and now see you as INNOCENT. As if you never sinned. As God loves us.

I have been happy for nearly 20 years. Life happens and is difficult in many ways -- true for everyone!  Treat people and circumstances with gentleness, kindness, and patience.  You will know a depth of joy and peace you didn't know existed.

"The power to change the things we can" lies within us to change us. Love that is like God's, requiring nothing in return, is the vehicle.  The HOW.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Everyone experiences conflict and falls occasionally into power struggles in their relationships. A little humor was added at the end of the wedding ceremony when my son married. The minister turned to the bride and said, "He's the boss of you." Her mouth dropped open in shock, and she was actually speechless. It was a great joke, and been repeated as a gentle reminder by the spouses whenever one or the other feels pressured by the other -- "You're not the boss of me," they'll say with a smile or a smirk ;-D.

I think I've written it before: each individual has a right to make their choices. Of course we take into account how our decisions affect others. When taking a personal inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous we are encouraged to ask the following....

Where have I been selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful -- inconsiderate?

Had your buttons pushed lately? Think about your initial reaction when someone close "pushes a button". We all know what that means, because we remember the feeling of defensiveness that immediately arises under those familiar circumstances. It isn't the right thing to do, deliberately say or do something you know will be taken badly, I think we can all agree about that. So, first things first, STOP doing that! Each person gets to make their own choices, and if your choice is to create more loving relationships then it is you who must begin the process by making all your choices loving and considerate.

A. A. elaborates on how to live a 12-Step program in a book called The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, informally known as "The 12-and-12". "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

First things first. Quiet the disturbance. When your buttons are pushed, you know it. You may have a general feeling of unease that you too easily dismiss. Proceeding at this point, you know what happens -- before you know it, you're in disagreement, conflict, your emotions are heightened. You may never mean to, but too often you end up saying something you regret.

The conflict may be resolved again and again, but emotional safety in the relationship is not easily restored. The result is we react instantly when that button is pushed the next time. "Sorry" alone is not a preventative. Learning how to FIRST, QUIET THE DISTURBANCE is the only remedy to this repeated pattern of behavior.

So, there are two steps, simple to take once you know what they are, and have decided

you really and truly do want to have more loving relationships 1.) Decide now, for the future, "I will never again deliberately hurt another person." 2.) When negative emotions rise in you, quiet the disturbance.

In the beginning, you may falter. Patterns of behavior are not easily changed. Someone will do or say something that has been "unacceptable" to you for a long, long time. You may strike back in a way you have before (a defensive behavior); or, you may withdraw in "silent scorn" as they call it in A. A. (also a defensive behavior). Decide NOW that when that happens, you will remember your vow never again to deliberately hurt another person -- yes, that means even if you feel they deserve it and you are fully justified! Where has that ever got you before but back to square one? STOP! Right in the middle of it -- just as soon as you are aware that you are uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is going, or, if it's too late for that and you're shouting -- it doesn't matter. What matters is that you STOP at that moment you become aware of your own negative emotions. STOP! You need never be "sorry" again if you simply begin to STOP where you can. It gets easier.

Quieting your own negative emotions is a learning process as well. There are many remedies. Prayer works. "God, help me," repeated to yourself over and over until you are calm works. Counting to ten over and over again until you can make a better "next move" works. I have to remove myself from what's happening, physically, if possible. I try to do that gently, kindly -- because any other way is inconsiderate of how my leaving affects another! When I can't physically separate myself from a storm-a-comin', I have learned to keep my mouth SHUT and a Mona Lisa smile on my face. It's kind of funny when I am in that position, the other person seems to be compelled to continue adding to their initial offensive remark. Holy cow, if I hadn't developed a sense of humor I'd be sunk! Having control over myself is the pay-off, but I will admit that in the beginning of my loving-practice, I couldn't have done it.

In the beginning, try one of my other lessons: Hold your hand up in the universal sign of: STOP. Smile, though. That's how you learn to actually be considerate of another's feelings. You do want them to stop their part of what's brewing, but you do not have control over their choice to actually do so. Make the request ("Talk to the hand."), but do it with a loving, gentle smile. That takes the sting out of your part.

FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

A mahjong app I have on my cell phone rewards a win with tongue-in-cheek fortune cookie wisdom. When this one presented itself, however, the intended irony missed its mark with me! "A problem will present itself to your solution," it read.

"Yes, it will," I laughed to myself. I often say that there is a spiritual solution to every problem, and that every spiritual principle is anchored in unconditional love. Love that desires nothing from another nor from a situation is the solution. In other words, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE for me to live in the solution of Love.

A couple struggling to make their relationship work in the face of mounting conflict met with me recently. I usually begin by sharing my vision for a healthy, loving relationship -- what it will "look like" when we get there! Therefore, I suggested that anything they might have in mind to bring to me as a problem wait until I finished my presentation. When I've done this in the past, quite often a couple will look at each other afterward and smile or laugh, because whatever recent squabble they've had, making them feel hopeless about staying together, they realize in the Light of Love is no problem at all. In this particular case, and not at all unusual, one-half of the couple was determined to discuss the argument au courant.

Stuck in the problem, believing he was right and had been wronged by his spouse, no progress could be made in resolving the issue. Past promises made to love each other through thick and thin were now merely a contract to be dissolved through divorce.

I think the real problem is how we view love. If love means adjustment to the beloved's preferences, which of the beloved gets to have his or her way? Everyone laughs at the tee-shirt "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," yet I have seen women wear it proudly. If love is dependent on feeling love for each other, the relationship is under constant threat and there is no emotional safety.

The words of St. Paul in I Corinthians 13 gives clarity to the meaning of real love in The Message/Remix Biblical translation. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head. Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

For me and countless others who enjoy healthy relationships, these are not an ideal, rather they guide our action in living with others. They undergird the commitment we have made when we said we would love each other "until death do us part." We do not have to agree, nor have the same living habits. We can make mistakes that in some way impact each other. We may be thoughtless, even habitually inconsiderate. Real love understands human frailty. It never holds a grudge.

To begin living a truly loving life takes practice. Imagine you make the decision to love that One, perhaps already someone with whom you planed to love for life (To thee I bequeath all my worldly goods, etc.). First, try reminding yourself daily, "I love myself today, just as I am. I do not have to change." Learning to love oneself and take responsibility for one's own well-being even within a committed relationship is a requirement of Real Love. If I can't love myself even though I'm totally disorganized and have piles of this and that all over the living room, am often late and forget to call to assure you I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere, and dent the car on a regular basis, how am I going to love you when you are a neat-freak to the point of being anal, have a "thing" about never being late, and your car still has a "new car" smell after three years?

After a month of learning to love yourself, daily say, "I love ___________ just as he/she is today. He/she doesn't have to change."

These are obviously mere exercises to shake us loose from the old and false ideas we hold concerning love. Our practice must expand, and that happens gradually as our understanding increases. "You did what! I told you not to touch that savings account without discussing it with me first!" "It's my money as much as yours and I had to make a quick decision then and there!" STOP!!! STOP. You actually can, with determination and improved effort STOP fighting. Your feelings are your entirely your responsibility. Withdraw from whatever the conflict is and FIX YOUR FEELINGS YOURSELF. Nothing has to change. Nothing is likely to change when partners in a relationship have negative emotions controlling what happens next. Reflect on the past and I'm sure you'll agree.

In every situation that arises, feelings, as they say, are not facts, so address them in some healthy reparative way, such as through prayer, taking a long walk, talking to a wise friend or counselor. As soon as possible -- and possibly BEFORE you even "feel better" -- BEHAVE LOVINGLY. You may say in a loving tone, "I'm upset about this, so I'm going to go take care of my feelings before saying more." You may never feel able to discuss something that has occurred and upset you! But you can return to loving behavior with your beloved. What's done is done, and likely if it's a pattern with the one you have chosen to love, it will happen again!

Nothing has to change with the other, with the situation in which I may not like or agree with, for me to demonstrate love through a kind voice, an affectionate gesture, a willingness to open my heart and my arms to my beloved when he turns to me for love and comfort.

Problems are an inevitable part of our daily lives. Apply Love.

HOMILY FOR A WEDDING

On May 21, 2011, our daughter Shannon Mullins Button married John Bosserman in Culpeper, Virginia. It was early in the evening on the large patio behind John's mother's home. The panoramic view with the Blue Ridge Mountains as backdrop was astonishingly beautiful as was the bride standing beside her handsome husband-to-be. Their four children, Kylen (16), Claire (14), Jenny (13), bridesmaids, and David (15) the best man, stood beaming with the couple. The family that were there have spoken of the joy felt at this uniting of two into one, especially so well expressed by young David Bosserman who gave such a beautiful toast at the reception that no one else dared follow with another. I wish I had that on tape.

John's elder brother, The Rev. Thomas Bosserman, officiated. His words touched us all that day, and I asked if I might share them with readers of my blog on love and relationship. I am close to tears even now as I remember him speaking to the children concerning their embarking into their second chance at marriage. Here is what Tom said.

Shannon and John, may all the blessings of God be yours this day. You have invited us as your family to witness your covenant of marriage and to celebrate your new beginnings as husband and wife, and as a larger family. At the same time, it is you who share a special witness with us, for you come to this moment not as two starry-eyed young people leaving home for the first time to build a new life with one another. You stand here as two wise and mature adults who have walked some distance down life's unpredictable road. You already know what it is to be married, to make a home and to raise children. You know the joy and comfort there can be in the husband-wife relationship, having another to fill your loneliness, to share your dreams, and to bring warmth and wonder to even the most ordinary of days.

You know too that in the pursuit of life's good gifts, we all encounter some disappointment, some suffering and heartache. It is only natural. We are human beings after all, people with differing personalities and gifts, shaped by differing family and life experiences, by both great expectations and great limitations which we bring to our relationships. And marriage is the creative and always imperfect adventure of sharing who we are with a loved and trusted companion.

Your marriage today is your witness to us that your friendship and love is WORTH THE RISK AND WORK OF MARRIAGE....

The readings you have chosen reflect hopes for your shared life. JAMES CAVANAUGH'S insight is that a good marriage is one in which the partners are free to be who they really are, not possessing, but supporting each other. A marriage counselor friend of mine likes to quip, "When two people marry they become one -- we just don't know which one!" And he means that marriage can have a kind of missionary accent -- to convert the other to one's own way of thinking and acting. That is an attempt to minimize differences and the anxiety that differences can create. But a vital marriage is one in which differences are valued and nurtured. A vital marriage is one in which the unique personhood of the partners is respected, in which each partner seeks to bring the other to a richer, fuller life. And that, of course, requires mutual encouragement, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and honest communication.

I want to share with you the witness and encouragement of my own experience, and the experience of countless other people of faith, that we do not undertake this adventure of love simply on our own power. GOD IS THE WELLSPRING OF LOVE and therefore part of your union. That is the message of the scripture from THE LETTER OF JOHN. And with God there is an abiding source of strength and renewal. God continues to nurture the power of love, to adorn and beautify, to transform and hallow the human heart and human relationships. And the great promise of God, embodied by Jesus and articulated so powerfully by St. Paul, is that there is nothing in all creation, nothing in life or in death, that shall ever be able to separate us from the love of God. This is what makes love eternal.

So, John and Shannon, build a life together on your love and promises. Build a marriage to hold your hearts and free your spirits. Build it with dreams and with caring, with patience, understanding and forgiveness, with a lifelong faithfulness to one another and a trust in the promise of God for you. And know that our love and our prayers accompany you this day and always. AMEN.

The Corner Kitchen: Rice Krispies Treats with Bacon & Chocolate

The Corner Kitchen: Rice Krispies Treats with Bacon & Chocolate

For me, cooking and sharing is a demonstration of love. Adding bacon and chocolate to a sweet recipe is like hugs and kisses.

Of course, if the ones you love are trying to avoid sweets and fat, preparing this recipe is hardly a loving act! I also enjoy making a fabulous salad to go with marinated and grilled flank steak. I try to remember the gluten-free family members when they are a part of a family get-together. And my husband doesn't like many soups, chicken tortilla and chowders being the exceptions.

*Note to self: Unless asked, it is best to mind-your-own-business concerning other people's dietary habits.