POSTSCRIPT: WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Tara is in love with Terri. I believe it! They've been a couple before and broke up because of irreconcilable differences. Tara is a neat freak. Growing up in a chaotic family situation, Tara found orderliness a way to soothe herself. Terri, similarly, comes from a dysfunctional home, and her way to deal with it was to rebel. Orderliness implies authority, and Terri thrives in an environment of no rules. She can clean up when she wants to, but she chafes at the idea of spic-and-span.

The heart doesn't seem to say, "Oh, you're just like me, I love you!" More often, at least among my friends and acquaintances, love begins with an unreasonable chemistry. Thus, most of the women and men I know have had several shots at love, never lasting. If a couple manages to beat the odds, stay together, and still love each other, it's often because one has more forbearance.

Happy couples reverence their differences. Neither has to change to make the relationship work. Compromise and consideration for the preferences of each other, yes, but not required. We can ask for what we want, I often say, but celebrate the "No's". We are who are. This is the one you love!!! THINK about it.

Tara says, "No effing way am I going to clean up after her! I'd build a resentment."

Loving without price means we live with the annoying differences. In fact, Dr. Greg Baer puts it this way: "You can live with it and hate it, or you can live with it and love it, or you can leave." It was so sad when Tara and Terri broke up before. They came back together with a resolve to make it work. "You can actually clean up after her for the rest of your life without any resentment," I tell Tara. "If you love her enough."

I do what I want to do. If I have enough time and energy to do Al's share (just a word; don't read too much into it), I may do what he doesn't like to do that I like done. It's my choice, so there is no resentment. If I don't do it, and things get into a state I'm not comfortable with, I practice the spiritual principle of acceptance. Things are exactly the way they are supposed to be right now in this moment; nothing has to change. By the way, have I mentioned how much Al does for me?

Resentment would be self-indulgent. Whoever wants it done the most does it. Unless the one who knows how free he/she is, and occasionally does that thing! Unconditional love is occasionally sacrificial. ; - D

WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Remember Dr. Laura? Schlessinger. She wrote a couple of books and had a radio show. One day a woman called complaining that her husband wouldn't clean out the car. Dr. Laura stated flatly, "Whoever wants it done the most does it." I agree!

My husband usually makes the bed first thing in the morning. When I lived alone I discovered that I don't like to make the bed, and actually enjoy climbing into an unmade bed at night. Al finds that uncivilized; he makes the bed.

I do the grocery shopping and cooking. Food matters to me. My former father-in-law did the grocery shopping, though his wife cooked whatever he brought home. Gives me chills to imagine menu planning and preparation under those conditions.

I counseled a woman once who was having great difficulty reconciling the fact that her husband, though loving and generous in many ways, refused to buy health and life insurance. She had tried every well-worn trick in the book to make him see how irresponsible his choice was, and to no avail. She was at the point of taking their year-old son and leaving. Pointing out that she would still need insurance, even life insurance on the father of her child, to have the security she was seeking, I told her she needed to take care of this herself. She didn't make as much money as her husband; she thought this was the kind of thing a man was responsible to do. "Whoever wants it done the most does it," I said. She did. She did it lovingly, because she was my student after all, and if you read my blog you know I teach that no matter what you do (even if you leave a relationship), you do so in a loving manner.

Sara told Bob, "Honey, you know how I've been begging you to get insurance? I realized that I'm the one who feels it's important, so I'm going to pay for it." She did. She had asked me what she would do when her paycheck wouldn't stretch as far as it had for her personal purchases, and I told her she could ask her husband for money when she was short. Perhaps we were both surprised when Bob became even more generous in contributing to the family expenses. Interestingly, Sara still suffered from feeling financially insecure, and got a second job!

Jorge spoke to me recently about his frustration with his friends. "A group of us tailgate during football season, but I am the one who always coordinates everything! I mean, what do they think, that my life isn't as busy as theirs? Honestly, if I didn't call everybody to be sure they were coming, I think the whole thing would just fall apart."

"Then it matters most to you," I looked into Jorge's eyes as I placed my hands over his. "If you do have the time, Jorge, just do it as you have year after year now. Do it because it is what you want, and be grateful for friends who keep on showing up because you matter to them. They wouldn't otherwise."

He thought about that for a minute. "I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right! They're my buds!"

Dana thought she had a communication problem with her boyfriend, and something better change soon or the relationship was doomed. She knew from experience. Dana and Gary are busy professionals in their mid-thirties. They have built and kept friendships since high school days so their individual social calendars were always full when they met on www.match.com. The chemistry was undeniable, he made her laugh, and all their dates made her feel this could be the lasting love she'd long been denied.

"He was super attentive in the beginning, but now, after just six months of dating, he seems to be losing interest," Dana confided, "I told him I need to feel important to him. I feel like I'm always the one making the plans for us. Maybe I'm old-fashion, but I still like the man to take the initiative."

From what Dana told me about Gary, I felt he was a man with all the qualities a woman could want in a mate, and serious about their relationship. "I think you need to let go of all your old ideas, old or new-fashion, Dana, and stay focused on what you bring to the relationship! Here is a wonderful man who has made it clear he's interested in a future that includes you by his side. Both of you have full lives and have no need from each other. A commitment to love means sacrificing your self-centered needs to make room for someone else. Remind yourself when you're tempted to be critical of the things that made you feel you'd met Mr. Right. See what happens when you remember that you were just fine without him, but you chose him to love. You can make plans, or he can, and both of you have the right to say, 'No, thanks, I'm doing something else'. Relationships work where each one is joyfully free to be themselves."

That's advice I've given to many after seeing the result in my blissful marriage. As it says in the Bible, "Love never fails."

Take care of yourself! Know that everyone is doing the best they can in every moment, or they would do it differently. Identify what your preferences are in your home, at work, in your relationships. You can ask for what you want, but a loving request always permits a refusal. Then remind yourself: whoever wants it done the most does it.

How to Be a Friend

Here I am with my friend Karol Balbin when I visited her in Germany in November 2008. We have been friends for thirty years now, nearly half my life. It is my longest friendship. Karol taught me what it means to be a friend.

I have met many people in my life, growing up an Air Force brat, and made friends. But I never learned the art of nurturing friendships. Once we said goodbye, I would eventually lose touch. Many of my friends' names I have forgotten now.

Karol and I became friends when our husbands were stationed at Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville, NC. The four of us socialized, and we gals got together with the Officer's Wives Club, for lunch and shopping. I got to share in the joy of her first daughter's birth. When our family transferred to Hawaii and the Balbin's to Illinois, we kept in touch with letters, and I flew to visit once. Karol flew to Florida to see me a few years later. We were busy with our separate lives and interests, but our friendship remained important to us. We had a heart connection. Every time we've talked or spent time with each other it was as if we had lived next door all that time.

I've pondered the endurance and strength of our friendship which, for me, has grown more meaningful over these years. We have always spoken honestly and openly with each other, sharing from the heart. Secrets shared were sacred trusts. We've talked about painful struggles we've undergone as children, as wives, and as mothers. We have different beliefs (way different!) but we don't fight! I pray for Karol and her family, and I know she does the same for me. We don't need to be in touch to know that we are loved deeply.

I have other friendships that are greatly significant to me today which have come from my learning how to be a friend with Karol Balbin. Friendships start with some common ground. They grow in the fertile soil of trusting, trustworthiness, integrity, acceptance, and caring about the other's happiness. Laughter is fertilizer, tears and a comforting shoulder to lean on are like rain on a garden. Commitment even when apart, even when much changes is like the farmer rotating crops and tilling the soil. Unconditional love is the sunshine that makes a friendship flower.

Anam cara, I learned from a book by the same name, is Celtic for "soul friend". Author John O'Donohue writes that this is a person "to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging." Nothing needs to change, and many things may change, I have named you my friend and pledged my love and bond forever.

His Taj Mahal

John and Susan travel the world. One day he was telling me about a trip throughout India they had taken. When he began to tell me about the Taj Mahal tears sprang to his eyes. "Just think," he said, "A man loved a woman so much he built that for her. It's so beautiful, you can't imagine."

When he shared that with me, I realized how very much he loved his wife. Yet we were talking because he was frustrated concerning their interaction. Both John and Susan have been seeking to live more spiritually for a little while now, but like all of us, demonstrating spiritual principles in our relationships is the challenge.

I suggested to John that day that he and Susan needed to become emotionally safe for each other. The need to be able to express to each other what we think, feel, and believe without fearing a reaction is tantamount to happy communion. I instructed John to state what he was thinking or feeling to Susan adding, "But you don't need to change. I just need to say what I think."

The next time I saw John and Susan, it seemed to me they looked happier. John beamed at me. "I've been doing what you said. I pray every day that Susan won't change, and I tell her!" I swallowed. Things were obviously so much better between the two of them I hesitated to tweek it. We talked a few more times before I told him he had added a little twist to what I'd actually said. I'm talking to Susan too, and I hope she will change (with God's help) -- the things she wants to change to become a more loving partner.

I told John, "The thing is, if she changes, you won't care -- because you no longer need her to change." Then I thought about it. John had, in fact, loved his wife so much he had been willing to pray that God not change her. I was struck dumb! He had understood the underlying spiritual principle of all spiritual acts: love without one condition. He was willing to sacrifice all that he might want from his wife that she would feel loved.

"John," I said, my own heart full, "That prayer is your Taj Mahal."

TO SPEAK OR NOT TO SPEAK

If you want more intimate relationships, you must issue the invitation. A therapist once told me: a relationship can only go as deep as YOU will allow it.

Women often tell me that the men they fall for avoid intimacy, perhaps are incapable of sharing their feelings. The fact is that if you so chose, you may be afraid of real intimacy yourself. In that case, you may share your feelings and thoughts looking for agreement and validation. When little is given in return, or there is disagreement, you have proven to yourself that the other person has a problem, and gained an excuse to avoid vulnerability in future.

Healthy relationships are grown slowly. The first step is to be willing to responsible for your part, for what you bring into the relationship. I am a whole person entitled to my own opinions and beliefs; you are a whole person likewise entitled. I want to express this as, "I would like to be able to tell you whatever I think, feel, or believe without your having to respond in any way. You don't have to agree, change my mind, fix me, or change anything concerning yourself because of what I say."

You may have to reiterate the above from time to time, to remind the other person and in a recommitment to do your part to make it emotionally safe for him/her to also speak freely. I can keep myself safe when someone delivers information that is hard to hear, such as a criticism or anything I didn't want to hear, even "I'm just not that into you." I may have overwheming feelings at times of rejection, being misunderstood, being unlovable, embarrassed, but I am responsible to manage my feelings in a way that does not involve debasing another. Maybe I will just have to put my hand up and ask for a break in the conversation for the moment while I compose myself.

Some of us talk too much. Words come too easily and without enough thought of how they will be received. A wise woman said, "When I think I have to say something, I probably don't. When I don't want to say something, that is probably when I have to garner my courage and say it."

Another woman I know is a very good listener, very safe for her lover to spill his thoughts out all over the place. She hears without judgment. She doesn't take it personally, nor feel she has to change what she thinks, nor what she chooses to do. She does take into consideration what he has to say.

What this latter woman finds extremely difficult to do is claim her rightful place in the relationship. She avoids speaking what she thinks. She knows his reaction will possibly be monumental. I think you know what I mean. She would rather not deal with it. After all, nothing will change for her having spoken up, or so she thinks. If this relationship is to go any deeper, I ask this woman to trust herself to take care of herself WHEN she talks about what she thinks, feels, believes. She can say anything at all to him, because she is not saying it to change him in any way. That is the way people communicate in a healthy relationship. As she is willing to do so, she is preparing the nest of relationship as a safe haven for both.

As long as you are in a relationship, it is never too late to build more intimacy. If you have been the one talking, please work on becoming a better listener, on allowing autonomy for both. If you have been the one accused of never "communicating", start today. Stick with "I"statements, and no matter what your partner says in return, remind yourself that nothing has to change except your becoming a full-partner. Whatever you say, you may repeat what you say just once: "I think, I feel, I believe, I would like, what I want . . ." Give your loved one permission to disagree, to feel differently, to believe contrarily, to say "No".

Something will change if you put these suggestions into operation, I promise. You will feel empowered, and you will have taken the first steps into real love and intimacy.

HOW TO LIVE HAPPILY WITH OTHERS

These are my husband's Crocs sitting on the patio. They made me smile. A number of years ago when Al was often in the yard working on the new landscape we had planted, when he came in he would leave his shoes on the porch, in front, or on the back deck. He never brought them in. Sometimes he would leave them on the mat, so if you went out you either stepped on them or over them.

Early on I would say, "Honey, you left your shoes outside, do you want me to bring them in?" He would sigh, get up, grab the shoes and drop them right inside the door. I remember saying on another occasion, "Honey, when you leave your shoes right in the path I either have to step on them or over them." He responded as if I'd yelled at him, jumping up, grabbing the shoes and throwing them to the side. These kind of responses don't make sense to me, though it is obvious that no matter how I broached this matter it made him feel like I was a critical parent.

When I don't know what to do, I ask myself how I can be most loving until the way becomes clear. I let the shoes pile up! I let go of caring about it no matter how inconvenienced I felt when the shoes were in my way. As one of my teachers, Greg Baer, says, "You can live with it and love it, or you can live with it and hate it, or you can leave." Those are your only choices. I was hating it -- and that is not how I care to live.

When Al would leave on a trip (he's an airline pilot), I would pick up all his shoes, making it a gift by having a loving attitude as I took this task upon myself. But one day, after putting the shoes away, looking out on the empty deck, I thought, "You know, if anything were to happen to Al, those shoes are what I would miss." I never put the shoes away or mentioned them to him again. Now it is just the one pair outside. I love them there.

A HOW-TO ON LOVE

Often, when people consult me about their relationship, they have come to hate the spouse, parent, child, friend, boss. The thought of being so hateful is anathema to most of us, and so we deny it. Almost everyone else can see it or hear it when we are talking about what is going on. We cannot.

What a dilemma! I think the hope is that I will help them to change the other person, or help them have the courage to leave. No one wishes to continue to live miserably. I set them on a different path, one that is not easy, but is seriously tried-and-true.

I believe that what we are all really seeking is to be loved by Someone who knows us intimately -- without asking us to change. When I present the idea, most people agree. If they can accept that they are loved by God in just that way, we can begin. Sometimes I ask, "Who would YOU rather be?" I may ask as well, "What if I said to you that YOU must become more like, or perhaps exactly like this person of whom you despair?"

My conclusion from these conversations is that not only is their a Force in the Cosmos that knows us and loves us unconditionally, but we also love ourselves more than we know. We want to be free of judgment and condemnation, yet we continue to judge and condemn the people whom we ought most to love.

Please don't deny it by minimizing the harm done when you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes, or speak in clipped words, or avoid calling your mother. Label all unloving action for what it is: hateful and spiteful. Now, please drop the blame. As I said to the woman I first helped with her relationship issues, "I'm talking to you alone, not Enrique. If I were talking to him, I could give him this assignment. The good news is you have the power to do these things without his knowing a thing about your efforts. That is how loving unconditionally works."

Many people have put into action a few, simple suggestions (instructions?), and in every case there has been healing -- for them. Many times relationships have ended up so happy as to astound. My own for one. On occasion, after working on what one brings to the relationship and letting go of needing anything in return, someone chooses to divorce, or in some way let the relationship go -- but they have felt they were transformed for their future; they were able to leave in a loving manner.

Do this: Demonstrate loving behavior always, even when it is hard. Lay down all your defenses, including excuses and explanations for your choices. Just stop. You can say what YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU BELIEVE -- just let go of needing something or someone to change because of what you say. You can ASK for what you want (remember, you have no need from others since God, you, and others you may ask can take care of those things). Allow everyone to enjoy these freedoms as well. That means you too can say, "No," no excuse or explanation required.

Speak kindly, and more importantly -- listen without having to respond. Think about what it is you feel you need from your partner, parent, child, friend, co-workers. Figure if it matters to you, YOU can bring it to them.

You may not feel loving right away when you take this spiritual path, but if you turn back, it will be worse for you and those whom you would choose to love. If you do not turn back, though you may have missteps, I PROMISE that you will find complete fulfillment. You will come to understand what God's love really means.