WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?

"But, Koz, my husband (wife/partner/father/mother/son/daughter/boss....whomever) is awful."

People I work with come to me because they are unhappy in their relationships.  Most of the time, they really want a way "out" because they have tried Everything to change the difficult people and situations that make them discontent.  They may even have considered ending the relationship and somehow remained enmeshed.

I try to keep it simple.  "Live by spiritual principles, which are all rooted in love that asks nothing.  That makes it easy:  no matter the temptation to be unloving, love," I say.  I have written much about it in my blog; it is, truly, about all I say -- though I may say it in many ways and through real-life stories in an attempt to make it clear.  These are some of the things I hear:

"I couldn't believe it!  I was waiting in line and she just pushed in front of me!  And then she called ME a bitch."  

"I am really a loving person; I've been that way all my life, but then he says to me....  I just lost it!"

"Don't you think she should have consulted me before making that decision?"

"I was just so angry!  I've got so much resentment."

"I couldn't really afford it, and he didn't even say 'thank you'."

On an occasion when Jesus heard a similar lament about what someone else was doing, He said, "What is that to thee?  Follow thou me." (John 21:22)  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it this way, "The spiritual life is not a theory, we have to live it."

It is YOU who would like to improve your relationships.  You cannot manipulate others into doing what it is you want -- at least not all the time.  When you manage to succeed in getting what you want but the price has been that the one you want to enjoy a loving relationship with is unhappy or adds a brick in the wall that has grown between you, how does that "win" make you feel?

"I am sick and tired of being his doormat...of her emotional abuse...of always being the one to give in...of my unhappiness."  

Make your own choices.  Make them lovingly, not because you're hurt, resentful or angry.  Do what you want, but do it lovingly.  And, allow others to do what they choose to do, in whatever way they choose to do it.  What is that to you?  You are the one who is wants to live a loving life.  His/her actions are 100% about him/her, and that is so for YOU.

"I just don't trust her any more -- she's hurt me every time."

Human beings make mistakes.  Have you always been trustworthy?  You say, "Yes."  I've heard it before.  But, no!  You deliberately have done and said things BACK, at the very least.  This is what I teach: STOP being deliberately hurtful.  Don't let your buttons be pushed.  You can say you are hurt, angry, upset in a calm, grown-up voice.  You can ask for what you want without demanding it, and say you're sad or disappointed if you don't get it -- in a calm, grown-up voice.  Any other way is an unhealthy relationship behavior that will lead to greater disappointment and unhappiness for you and the others with whom you have struggled to improve relations.

"My boss is always critical and scares me with his tone of voice."

When you say, "You sound angry.  It's hard to really hear you when you look and sound angry; could you just tell me what you want to say, and ask me for what you want.  If I can, I'll say yes."  (Remember, it is always your choice to say yes or no.  Make your own choices.  Respect others' right to make their choices even if you disagree.)

"I know I need to set a boundary."

Almost always, when I hear that someone is trying to set boundaries as a new behavior, they #1-don't know that healthy boundaries are flexible; #2-do not respect other people's boundaries and right to make their own choices.  I can ask you to STOP (a boundary), but I can't make you STOP.  If you will ASK (set a boundary), you will find that you feel empowered rather than a "doormat" or "victim".  Sometimes you can set a boundary such as, "I am going to hang up the phone now," and if you then do, that's a firm boundary the other must respect.  Other times, you can set a boundary such as, "When you are angry, I get defensive, so would you please just speak in your 'nice' voice," and the person just gets louder and angrier.  Flexibility allows you to take care of yourself in another way -- for instance, just listen to what is being said.  Don't argue; don't explain/defend your point of view or choices.  Say, "We disagree, but I care about how you feel."

What you must choose for yourself is whether you really want to have more loving relationships.  If you do, trust me, it begins and ends with you becoming a loving, kind, tolerant, forgiving, nuturing, caring person NO MATTER the personality differences, NO MATTER the situation.  All of those spiritual characteristics are based in love.  Love that asks nothing to change from another, nor a situation over which you are powerless to "get better".  YOU have all the power (in your own life) when YOU decide to live a loving life.

For further reference and understanding, read/re-read any other book on spirituality and/or love and relationships.  And my blog!

AFFIRMATIONS WORK IF YOU WORK THEM

I wasn't convinced that affirmations could impact my life.  When my doctor, noting my low self-esteem, suggested I look in the mirror every day and say, "I love you," I was reluctant.  Then, I gave it a try.  I couldn't even look into my own eyes and say the words.  That was disturbing, yet I continued to make the effort.  In time, I could look at myself and say, "I love you," and so I thought I was done.

Years later!  Years!  How sad that I put off getting the help I needed to become the happy, healthy person I am today.  If I had understood that my deep-rooted issues could be uprooted and discarded, that I could grow a better Kozie, I would certainly have had a different attitude.  Oh, well, thank God it is never too late to find healing.  Affirmations work, if you work them!

I spiraled down because of codependency until I was lost.  Sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say,I participated in therapy that was painful.  I became a member of Al Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics.  I wrote affirmations on paper and taped them to my bathroom mirror, reading them aloud as I looked in that mirror.  Everyday.

One day, I heard myself say, "You're terrific!  You're terrific!"  Honestly, it scared me for a moment.  I was embarrassed, even though I was alone, even to have had the thought.  Then I remembered it was an affirmation I had been given by others in my codependency group and had been repeating for weeks.  I am terrific.  I am.

I AM LOVING TO MYSELF AND OTHERS.  


I HAVE ENOUGH; I DO ENOUGH; I AM ENOUGH.


I USED TO EAT FOR 100 REASONS, BUT TODAY I FUEL MY BODY FOR ENERGY AND WELL-BEING.


GOD IS ALL I NEED.  I AM HERE TO BRING LOVE AND HEALING TO OTHERS.

HOW TO CHANGE THE THINGS YOU CAN

Sadly, most unhappy people are not going to find happiness in this life. I consider it no less than a miracle to have had a happy life for the past 20 years. Many events had to conspire to bring me to a crossroad at the age of 45 when I chose to take a new direction.

Like most people I've met who, like me, have childhood wounds from growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home, I had developed behaviors that worked to "protect" me from emotionally abusive people. I was wrapped in a cocoon of protection that ultimately kept me from growing my own mental health. Go to your internet search engine and type in "Defensive Behaviors". The things we do to cope in life when we know no other way. Once I learned that such behaviors as "explaining" my decisions to others (rationalization), or blaming others, criticizing their behaviors rather than owning those behaviors in myself (projection), were unhealthy, I wanted to STOP! So, I did.

Look up some articles online about "Self-Esteem". What does it look like when you have low self-esteem, medium self-esteem or high self-esteem. I chose to give up behaviors that indicated a low self-esteem. I let go of feelings of shame and guilt which I came to recognize in my self-critical thoughts. I would say out loud, "I used to feel I was stupid -- or, I used to feel bad about my decisions when people got angry -- but today I love myself and am willing to be responsible for my decisions wherever they take me."

I STOPPED trying to make other people feel better, even if they felt I was responsible for how they felt. It was all I could do to make myself feel better!  That is my responsibility.

I adopted a singular focus that made it possible to change. I demonstrated only loving behavior in all circumstances and with all people. I was kind to bad drivers, slow cashiers, rude people, angry people. No matter how tempted I was to feel "wronged" - I immediately was gentle and kind.  I didn't allow myself any leeway on my decision to be universally and unconditionally loving.  I didn't permit any "self-justification" even if all my friends told me I had a "right" to be angry or hurt.  NO! My behaviors are always loving: to myself, and to all.  If they are not (I am still human, after all), I change course as soon as I am aware.

 One of my teachers, Dr. Greg Baer, says, "If you're angry, you're wrong." I am set free when I admit my wrong and now see you as INNOCENT. As if you never sinned. As God loves us.

I have been happy for nearly 20 years. Life happens and is difficult in many ways -- true for everyone!  Treat people and circumstances with gentleness, kindness, and patience.  You will know a depth of joy and peace you didn't know existed.

"The power to change the things we can" lies within us to change us. Love that is like God's, requiring nothing in return, is the vehicle.  The HOW.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Everyone experiences conflict and falls occasionally into power struggles in their relationships. A little humor was added at the end of the wedding ceremony when my son married. The minister turned to the bride and said, "He's the boss of you." Her mouth dropped open in shock, and she was actually speechless. It was a great joke, and been repeated as a gentle reminder by the spouses whenever one or the other feels pressured by the other -- "You're not the boss of me," they'll say with a smile or a smirk ;-D.

I think I've written it before: each individual has a right to make their choices. Of course we take into account how our decisions affect others. When taking a personal inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous we are encouraged to ask the following....

Where have I been selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful -- inconsiderate?

Had your buttons pushed lately? Think about your initial reaction when someone close "pushes a button". We all know what that means, because we remember the feeling of defensiveness that immediately arises under those familiar circumstances. It isn't the right thing to do, deliberately say or do something you know will be taken badly, I think we can all agree about that. So, first things first, STOP doing that! Each person gets to make their own choices, and if your choice is to create more loving relationships then it is you who must begin the process by making all your choices loving and considerate.

A. A. elaborates on how to live a 12-Step program in a book called The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, informally known as "The 12-and-12". "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

First things first. Quiet the disturbance. When your buttons are pushed, you know it. You may have a general feeling of unease that you too easily dismiss. Proceeding at this point, you know what happens -- before you know it, you're in disagreement, conflict, your emotions are heightened. You may never mean to, but too often you end up saying something you regret.

The conflict may be resolved again and again, but emotional safety in the relationship is not easily restored. The result is we react instantly when that button is pushed the next time. "Sorry" alone is not a preventative. Learning how to FIRST, QUIET THE DISTURBANCE is the only remedy to this repeated pattern of behavior.

So, there are two steps, simple to take once you know what they are, and have decided

you really and truly do want to have more loving relationships 1.) Decide now, for the future, "I will never again deliberately hurt another person." 2.) When negative emotions rise in you, quiet the disturbance.

In the beginning, you may falter. Patterns of behavior are not easily changed. Someone will do or say something that has been "unacceptable" to you for a long, long time. You may strike back in a way you have before (a defensive behavior); or, you may withdraw in "silent scorn" as they call it in A. A. (also a defensive behavior). Decide NOW that when that happens, you will remember your vow never again to deliberately hurt another person -- yes, that means even if you feel they deserve it and you are fully justified! Where has that ever got you before but back to square one? STOP! Right in the middle of it -- just as soon as you are aware that you are uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is going, or, if it's too late for that and you're shouting -- it doesn't matter. What matters is that you STOP at that moment you become aware of your own negative emotions. STOP! You need never be "sorry" again if you simply begin to STOP where you can. It gets easier.

Quieting your own negative emotions is a learning process as well. There are many remedies. Prayer works. "God, help me," repeated to yourself over and over until you are calm works. Counting to ten over and over again until you can make a better "next move" works. I have to remove myself from what's happening, physically, if possible. I try to do that gently, kindly -- because any other way is inconsiderate of how my leaving affects another! When I can't physically separate myself from a storm-a-comin', I have learned to keep my mouth SHUT and a Mona Lisa smile on my face. It's kind of funny when I am in that position, the other person seems to be compelled to continue adding to their initial offensive remark. Holy cow, if I hadn't developed a sense of humor I'd be sunk! Having control over myself is the pay-off, but I will admit that in the beginning of my loving-practice, I couldn't have done it.

In the beginning, try one of my other lessons: Hold your hand up in the universal sign of: STOP. Smile, though. That's how you learn to actually be considerate of another's feelings. You do want them to stop their part of what's brewing, but you do not have control over their choice to actually do so. Make the request ("Talk to the hand."), but do it with a loving, gentle smile. That takes the sting out of your part.

FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

A mahjong app I have on my cell phone rewards a win with tongue-in-cheek fortune cookie wisdom. When this one presented itself, however, the intended irony missed its mark with me! "A problem will present itself to your solution," it read.

"Yes, it will," I laughed to myself. I often say that there is a spiritual solution to every problem, and that every spiritual principle is anchored in unconditional love. Love that desires nothing from another nor from a situation is the solution. In other words, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE for me to live in the solution of Love.

A couple struggling to make their relationship work in the face of mounting conflict met with me recently. I usually begin by sharing my vision for a healthy, loving relationship -- what it will "look like" when we get there! Therefore, I suggested that anything they might have in mind to bring to me as a problem wait until I finished my presentation. When I've done this in the past, quite often a couple will look at each other afterward and smile or laugh, because whatever recent squabble they've had, making them feel hopeless about staying together, they realize in the Light of Love is no problem at all. In this particular case, and not at all unusual, one-half of the couple was determined to discuss the argument au courant.

Stuck in the problem, believing he was right and had been wronged by his spouse, no progress could be made in resolving the issue. Past promises made to love each other through thick and thin were now merely a contract to be dissolved through divorce.

I think the real problem is how we view love. If love means adjustment to the beloved's preferences, which of the beloved gets to have his or her way? Everyone laughs at the tee-shirt "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," yet I have seen women wear it proudly. If love is dependent on feeling love for each other, the relationship is under constant threat and there is no emotional safety.

The words of St. Paul in I Corinthians 13 gives clarity to the meaning of real love in The Message/Remix Biblical translation. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head. Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

For me and countless others who enjoy healthy relationships, these are not an ideal, rather they guide our action in living with others. They undergird the commitment we have made when we said we would love each other "until death do us part." We do not have to agree, nor have the same living habits. We can make mistakes that in some way impact each other. We may be thoughtless, even habitually inconsiderate. Real love understands human frailty. It never holds a grudge.

To begin living a truly loving life takes practice. Imagine you make the decision to love that One, perhaps already someone with whom you planed to love for life (To thee I bequeath all my worldly goods, etc.). First, try reminding yourself daily, "I love myself today, just as I am. I do not have to change." Learning to love oneself and take responsibility for one's own well-being even within a committed relationship is a requirement of Real Love. If I can't love myself even though I'm totally disorganized and have piles of this and that all over the living room, am often late and forget to call to assure you I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere, and dent the car on a regular basis, how am I going to love you when you are a neat-freak to the point of being anal, have a "thing" about never being late, and your car still has a "new car" smell after three years?

After a month of learning to love yourself, daily say, "I love ___________ just as he/she is today. He/she doesn't have to change."

These are obviously mere exercises to shake us loose from the old and false ideas we hold concerning love. Our practice must expand, and that happens gradually as our understanding increases. "You did what! I told you not to touch that savings account without discussing it with me first!" "It's my money as much as yours and I had to make a quick decision then and there!" STOP!!! STOP. You actually can, with determination and improved effort STOP fighting. Your feelings are your entirely your responsibility. Withdraw from whatever the conflict is and FIX YOUR FEELINGS YOURSELF. Nothing has to change. Nothing is likely to change when partners in a relationship have negative emotions controlling what happens next. Reflect on the past and I'm sure you'll agree.

In every situation that arises, feelings, as they say, are not facts, so address them in some healthy reparative way, such as through prayer, taking a long walk, talking to a wise friend or counselor. As soon as possible -- and possibly BEFORE you even "feel better" -- BEHAVE LOVINGLY. You may say in a loving tone, "I'm upset about this, so I'm going to go take care of my feelings before saying more." You may never feel able to discuss something that has occurred and upset you! But you can return to loving behavior with your beloved. What's done is done, and likely if it's a pattern with the one you have chosen to love, it will happen again!

Nothing has to change with the other, with the situation in which I may not like or agree with, for me to demonstrate love through a kind voice, an affectionate gesture, a willingness to open my heart and my arms to my beloved when he turns to me for love and comfort.

Problems are an inevitable part of our daily lives. Apply Love.

HOMILY FOR A WEDDING

On May 21, 2011, our daughter Shannon Mullins Button married John Bosserman in Culpeper, Virginia. It was early in the evening on the large patio behind John's mother's home. The panoramic view with the Blue Ridge Mountains as backdrop was astonishingly beautiful as was the bride standing beside her handsome husband-to-be. Their four children, Kylen (16), Claire (14), Jenny (13), bridesmaids, and David (15) the best man, stood beaming with the couple. The family that were there have spoken of the joy felt at this uniting of two into one, especially so well expressed by young David Bosserman who gave such a beautiful toast at the reception that no one else dared follow with another. I wish I had that on tape.

John's elder brother, The Rev. Thomas Bosserman, officiated. His words touched us all that day, and I asked if I might share them with readers of my blog on love and relationship. I am close to tears even now as I remember him speaking to the children concerning their embarking into their second chance at marriage. Here is what Tom said.

Shannon and John, may all the blessings of God be yours this day. You have invited us as your family to witness your covenant of marriage and to celebrate your new beginnings as husband and wife, and as a larger family. At the same time, it is you who share a special witness with us, for you come to this moment not as two starry-eyed young people leaving home for the first time to build a new life with one another. You stand here as two wise and mature adults who have walked some distance down life's unpredictable road. You already know what it is to be married, to make a home and to raise children. You know the joy and comfort there can be in the husband-wife relationship, having another to fill your loneliness, to share your dreams, and to bring warmth and wonder to even the most ordinary of days.

You know too that in the pursuit of life's good gifts, we all encounter some disappointment, some suffering and heartache. It is only natural. We are human beings after all, people with differing personalities and gifts, shaped by differing family and life experiences, by both great expectations and great limitations which we bring to our relationships. And marriage is the creative and always imperfect adventure of sharing who we are with a loved and trusted companion.

Your marriage today is your witness to us that your friendship and love is WORTH THE RISK AND WORK OF MARRIAGE....

The readings you have chosen reflect hopes for your shared life. JAMES CAVANAUGH'S insight is that a good marriage is one in which the partners are free to be who they really are, not possessing, but supporting each other. A marriage counselor friend of mine likes to quip, "When two people marry they become one -- we just don't know which one!" And he means that marriage can have a kind of missionary accent -- to convert the other to one's own way of thinking and acting. That is an attempt to minimize differences and the anxiety that differences can create. But a vital marriage is one in which differences are valued and nurtured. A vital marriage is one in which the unique personhood of the partners is respected, in which each partner seeks to bring the other to a richer, fuller life. And that, of course, requires mutual encouragement, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and honest communication.

I want to share with you the witness and encouragement of my own experience, and the experience of countless other people of faith, that we do not undertake this adventure of love simply on our own power. GOD IS THE WELLSPRING OF LOVE and therefore part of your union. That is the message of the scripture from THE LETTER OF JOHN. And with God there is an abiding source of strength and renewal. God continues to nurture the power of love, to adorn and beautify, to transform and hallow the human heart and human relationships. And the great promise of God, embodied by Jesus and articulated so powerfully by St. Paul, is that there is nothing in all creation, nothing in life or in death, that shall ever be able to separate us from the love of God. This is what makes love eternal.

So, John and Shannon, build a life together on your love and promises. Build a marriage to hold your hearts and free your spirits. Build it with dreams and with caring, with patience, understanding and forgiveness, with a lifelong faithfulness to one another and a trust in the promise of God for you. And know that our love and our prayers accompany you this day and always. AMEN.

POSTSCRIPT: WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Tara is in love with Terri. I believe it! They've been a couple before and broke up because of irreconcilable differences. Tara is a neat freak. Growing up in a chaotic family situation, Tara found orderliness a way to soothe herself. Terri, similarly, comes from a dysfunctional home, and her way to deal with it was to rebel. Orderliness implies authority, and Terri thrives in an environment of no rules. She can clean up when she wants to, but she chafes at the idea of spic-and-span.

The heart doesn't seem to say, "Oh, you're just like me, I love you!" More often, at least among my friends and acquaintances, love begins with an unreasonable chemistry. Thus, most of the women and men I know have had several shots at love, never lasting. If a couple manages to beat the odds, stay together, and still love each other, it's often because one has more forbearance.

Happy couples reverence their differences. Neither has to change to make the relationship work. Compromise and consideration for the preferences of each other, yes, but not required. We can ask for what we want, I often say, but celebrate the "No's". We are who are. This is the one you love!!! THINK about it.

Tara says, "No effing way am I going to clean up after her! I'd build a resentment."

Loving without price means we live with the annoying differences. In fact, Dr. Greg Baer puts it this way: "You can live with it and hate it, or you can live with it and love it, or you can leave." It was so sad when Tara and Terri broke up before. They came back together with a resolve to make it work. "You can actually clean up after her for the rest of your life without any resentment," I tell Tara. "If you love her enough."

I do what I want to do. If I have enough time and energy to do Al's share (just a word; don't read too much into it), I may do what he doesn't like to do that I like done. It's my choice, so there is no resentment. If I don't do it, and things get into a state I'm not comfortable with, I practice the spiritual principle of acceptance. Things are exactly the way they are supposed to be right now in this moment; nothing has to change. By the way, have I mentioned how much Al does for me?

Resentment would be self-indulgent. Whoever wants it done the most does it. Unless the one who knows how free he/she is, and occasionally does that thing! Unconditional love is occasionally sacrificial. ; - D

WHOEVER WANTS IT DONE THE MOST DOES IT

Remember Dr. Laura? Schlessinger. She wrote a couple of books and had a radio show. One day a woman called complaining that her husband wouldn't clean out the car. Dr. Laura stated flatly, "Whoever wants it done the most does it." I agree!

My husband usually makes the bed first thing in the morning. When I lived alone I discovered that I don't like to make the bed, and actually enjoy climbing into an unmade bed at night. Al finds that uncivilized; he makes the bed.

I do the grocery shopping and cooking. Food matters to me. My former father-in-law did the grocery shopping, though his wife cooked whatever he brought home. Gives me chills to imagine menu planning and preparation under those conditions.

I counseled a woman once who was having great difficulty reconciling the fact that her husband, though loving and generous in many ways, refused to buy health and life insurance. She had tried every well-worn trick in the book to make him see how irresponsible his choice was, and to no avail. She was at the point of taking their year-old son and leaving. Pointing out that she would still need insurance, even life insurance on the father of her child, to have the security she was seeking, I told her she needed to take care of this herself. She didn't make as much money as her husband; she thought this was the kind of thing a man was responsible to do. "Whoever wants it done the most does it," I said. She did. She did it lovingly, because she was my student after all, and if you read my blog you know I teach that no matter what you do (even if you leave a relationship), you do so in a loving manner.

Sara told Bob, "Honey, you know how I've been begging you to get insurance? I realized that I'm the one who feels it's important, so I'm going to pay for it." She did. She had asked me what she would do when her paycheck wouldn't stretch as far as it had for her personal purchases, and I told her she could ask her husband for money when she was short. Perhaps we were both surprised when Bob became even more generous in contributing to the family expenses. Interestingly, Sara still suffered from feeling financially insecure, and got a second job!

Jorge spoke to me recently about his frustration with his friends. "A group of us tailgate during football season, but I am the one who always coordinates everything! I mean, what do they think, that my life isn't as busy as theirs? Honestly, if I didn't call everybody to be sure they were coming, I think the whole thing would just fall apart."

"Then it matters most to you," I looked into Jorge's eyes as I placed my hands over his. "If you do have the time, Jorge, just do it as you have year after year now. Do it because it is what you want, and be grateful for friends who keep on showing up because you matter to them. They wouldn't otherwise."

He thought about that for a minute. "I hadn't thought of it that way. You're right! They're my buds!"

Dana thought she had a communication problem with her boyfriend, and something better change soon or the relationship was doomed. She knew from experience. Dana and Gary are busy professionals in their mid-thirties. They have built and kept friendships since high school days so their individual social calendars were always full when they met on www.match.com. The chemistry was undeniable, he made her laugh, and all their dates made her feel this could be the lasting love she'd long been denied.

"He was super attentive in the beginning, but now, after just six months of dating, he seems to be losing interest," Dana confided, "I told him I need to feel important to him. I feel like I'm always the one making the plans for us. Maybe I'm old-fashion, but I still like the man to take the initiative."

From what Dana told me about Gary, I felt he was a man with all the qualities a woman could want in a mate, and serious about their relationship. "I think you need to let go of all your old ideas, old or new-fashion, Dana, and stay focused on what you bring to the relationship! Here is a wonderful man who has made it clear he's interested in a future that includes you by his side. Both of you have full lives and have no need from each other. A commitment to love means sacrificing your self-centered needs to make room for someone else. Remind yourself when you're tempted to be critical of the things that made you feel you'd met Mr. Right. See what happens when you remember that you were just fine without him, but you chose him to love. You can make plans, or he can, and both of you have the right to say, 'No, thanks, I'm doing something else'. Relationships work where each one is joyfully free to be themselves."

That's advice I've given to many after seeing the result in my blissful marriage. As it says in the Bible, "Love never fails."

Take care of yourself! Know that everyone is doing the best they can in every moment, or they would do it differently. Identify what your preferences are in your home, at work, in your relationships. You can ask for what you want, but a loving request always permits a refusal. Then remind yourself: whoever wants it done the most does it.

How to Be a Friend

Here I am with my friend Karol Balbin when I visited her in Germany in November 2008. We have been friends for thirty years now, nearly half my life. It is my longest friendship. Karol taught me what it means to be a friend.

I have met many people in my life, growing up an Air Force brat, and made friends. But I never learned the art of nurturing friendships. Once we said goodbye, I would eventually lose touch. Many of my friends' names I have forgotten now.

Karol and I became friends when our husbands were stationed at Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville, NC. The four of us socialized, and we gals got together with the Officer's Wives Club, for lunch and shopping. I got to share in the joy of her first daughter's birth. When our family transferred to Hawaii and the Balbin's to Illinois, we kept in touch with letters, and I flew to visit once. Karol flew to Florida to see me a few years later. We were busy with our separate lives and interests, but our friendship remained important to us. We had a heart connection. Every time we've talked or spent time with each other it was as if we had lived next door all that time.

I've pondered the endurance and strength of our friendship which, for me, has grown more meaningful over these years. We have always spoken honestly and openly with each other, sharing from the heart. Secrets shared were sacred trusts. We've talked about painful struggles we've undergone as children, as wives, and as mothers. We have different beliefs (way different!) but we don't fight! I pray for Karol and her family, and I know she does the same for me. We don't need to be in touch to know that we are loved deeply.

I have other friendships that are greatly significant to me today which have come from my learning how to be a friend with Karol Balbin. Friendships start with some common ground. They grow in the fertile soil of trusting, trustworthiness, integrity, acceptance, and caring about the other's happiness. Laughter is fertilizer, tears and a comforting shoulder to lean on are like rain on a garden. Commitment even when apart, even when much changes is like the farmer rotating crops and tilling the soil. Unconditional love is the sunshine that makes a friendship flower.

Anam cara, I learned from a book by the same name, is Celtic for "soul friend". Author John O'Donohue writes that this is a person "to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging." Nothing needs to change, and many things may change, I have named you my friend and pledged my love and bond forever.

TO SPEAK OR NOT TO SPEAK

If you want more intimate relationships, you must issue the invitation. A therapist once told me: a relationship can only go as deep as YOU will allow it.

Women often tell me that the men they fall for avoid intimacy, perhaps are incapable of sharing their feelings. The fact is that if you so chose, you may be afraid of real intimacy yourself. In that case, you may share your feelings and thoughts looking for agreement and validation. When little is given in return, or there is disagreement, you have proven to yourself that the other person has a problem, and gained an excuse to avoid vulnerability in future.

Healthy relationships are grown slowly. The first step is to be willing to responsible for your part, for what you bring into the relationship. I am a whole person entitled to my own opinions and beliefs; you are a whole person likewise entitled. I want to express this as, "I would like to be able to tell you whatever I think, feel, or believe without your having to respond in any way. You don't have to agree, change my mind, fix me, or change anything concerning yourself because of what I say."

You may have to reiterate the above from time to time, to remind the other person and in a recommitment to do your part to make it emotionally safe for him/her to also speak freely. I can keep myself safe when someone delivers information that is hard to hear, such as a criticism or anything I didn't want to hear, even "I'm just not that into you." I may have overwheming feelings at times of rejection, being misunderstood, being unlovable, embarrassed, but I am responsible to manage my feelings in a way that does not involve debasing another. Maybe I will just have to put my hand up and ask for a break in the conversation for the moment while I compose myself.

Some of us talk too much. Words come too easily and without enough thought of how they will be received. A wise woman said, "When I think I have to say something, I probably don't. When I don't want to say something, that is probably when I have to garner my courage and say it."

Another woman I know is a very good listener, very safe for her lover to spill his thoughts out all over the place. She hears without judgment. She doesn't take it personally, nor feel she has to change what she thinks, nor what she chooses to do. She does take into consideration what he has to say.

What this latter woman finds extremely difficult to do is claim her rightful place in the relationship. She avoids speaking what she thinks. She knows his reaction will possibly be monumental. I think you know what I mean. She would rather not deal with it. After all, nothing will change for her having spoken up, or so she thinks. If this relationship is to go any deeper, I ask this woman to trust herself to take care of herself WHEN she talks about what she thinks, feels, believes. She can say anything at all to him, because she is not saying it to change him in any way. That is the way people communicate in a healthy relationship. As she is willing to do so, she is preparing the nest of relationship as a safe haven for both.

As long as you are in a relationship, it is never too late to build more intimacy. If you have been the one talking, please work on becoming a better listener, on allowing autonomy for both. If you have been the one accused of never "communicating", start today. Stick with "I"statements, and no matter what your partner says in return, remind yourself that nothing has to change except your becoming a full-partner. Whatever you say, you may repeat what you say just once: "I think, I feel, I believe, I would like, what I want . . ." Give your loved one permission to disagree, to feel differently, to believe contrarily, to say "No".

Something will change if you put these suggestions into operation, I promise. You will feel empowered, and you will have taken the first steps into real love and intimacy.

A HOW-TO ON LOVE

Often, when people consult me about their relationship, they have come to hate the spouse, parent, child, friend, boss. The thought of being so hateful is anathema to most of us, and so we deny it. Almost everyone else can see it or hear it when we are talking about what is going on. We cannot.

What a dilemma! I think the hope is that I will help them to change the other person, or help them have the courage to leave. No one wishes to continue to live miserably. I set them on a different path, one that is not easy, but is seriously tried-and-true.

I believe that what we are all really seeking is to be loved by Someone who knows us intimately -- without asking us to change. When I present the idea, most people agree. If they can accept that they are loved by God in just that way, we can begin. Sometimes I ask, "Who would YOU rather be?" I may ask as well, "What if I said to you that YOU must become more like, or perhaps exactly like this person of whom you despair?"

My conclusion from these conversations is that not only is their a Force in the Cosmos that knows us and loves us unconditionally, but we also love ourselves more than we know. We want to be free of judgment and condemnation, yet we continue to judge and condemn the people whom we ought most to love.

Please don't deny it by minimizing the harm done when you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes, or speak in clipped words, or avoid calling your mother. Label all unloving action for what it is: hateful and spiteful. Now, please drop the blame. As I said to the woman I first helped with her relationship issues, "I'm talking to you alone, not Enrique. If I were talking to him, I could give him this assignment. The good news is you have the power to do these things without his knowing a thing about your efforts. That is how loving unconditionally works."

Many people have put into action a few, simple suggestions (instructions?), and in every case there has been healing -- for them. Many times relationships have ended up so happy as to astound. My own for one. On occasion, after working on what one brings to the relationship and letting go of needing anything in return, someone chooses to divorce, or in some way let the relationship go -- but they have felt they were transformed for their future; they were able to leave in a loving manner.

Do this: Demonstrate loving behavior always, even when it is hard. Lay down all your defenses, including excuses and explanations for your choices. Just stop. You can say what YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU BELIEVE -- just let go of needing something or someone to change because of what you say. You can ASK for what you want (remember, you have no need from others since God, you, and others you may ask can take care of those things). Allow everyone to enjoy these freedoms as well. That means you too can say, "No," no excuse or explanation required.

Speak kindly, and more importantly -- listen without having to respond. Think about what it is you feel you need from your partner, parent, child, friend, co-workers. Figure if it matters to you, YOU can bring it to them.

You may not feel loving right away when you take this spiritual path, but if you turn back, it will be worse for you and those whom you would choose to love. If you do not turn back, though you may have missteps, I PROMISE that you will find complete fulfillment. You will come to understand what God's love really means.

LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD

Love is an action word demonstrating affection and care for another through best behavior. It is never demanding, abusive, conditional. People often call it love when they are really trying to control others. "If you love me you_______________________."

The Bible says that love is God (I John 8:16). Love is patient, kind, not envious, desires nothing in return, comes from humility, acts gently, is not self-seeking but other-directed, is not easily provoked, gives benefit of doubt, is just, and full of grace; it stirs no defensive behavior, is trusting and trustworthy, and stands every testing. Love never fails in its efforts (I Corinthians 13:4-8).

You may not believe in God, or the Bible as the Word of God, but not many would argue with these definitions as a good starting point for putting love into action.

Adults must come to believe that they are the problem in their troubled relationships, and that they have the power to change the dynamics of their relationships. If one person will take responsibility for his or her own behavior, learn and practice healthier ways on their part, their relationships will change. One person acting lovingly as described above will invite appropriate responses and cooperation. Otherwise, expect defensive reaction, which is what problematic relationships are about.