If you want more intimate relationships, you must issue the invitation. A therapist once told me: a relationship can only go as deep as YOU will allow it.
Women often tell me that the men they fall for avoid intimacy, perhaps are incapable of sharing their feelings. The fact is that if you so chose, you may be afraid of real intimacy yourself. In that case, you may share your feelings and thoughts looking for agreement and validation. When little is given in return, or there is disagreement, you have proven to yourself that the other person has a problem, and gained an excuse to avoid vulnerability in future.
Healthy relationships are grown slowly. The first step is to be willing to responsible for your part, for what you bring into the relationship. I am a whole person entitled to my own opinions and beliefs; you are a whole person likewise entitled. I want to express this as, "I would like to be able to tell you whatever I think, feel, or believe without your having to respond in any way. You don't have to agree, change my mind, fix me, or change anything concerning yourself because of what I say."
You may have to reiterate the above from time to time, to remind the other person and in a recommitment to do your part to make it emotionally safe for him/her to also speak freely. I can keep myself safe when someone delivers information that is hard to hear, such as a criticism or anything I didn't want to hear, even "I'm just not that into you." I may have overwheming feelings at times of rejection, being misunderstood, being unlovable, embarrassed, but I am responsible to manage my feelings in a way that does not involve debasing another. Maybe I will just have to put my hand up and ask for a break in the conversation for the moment while I compose myself.
Some of us talk too much. Words come too easily and without enough thought of how they will be received. A wise woman said, "When I think I have to say something, I probably don't. When I don't want to say something, that is probably when I have to garner my courage and say it."
Another woman I know is a very good listener, very safe for her lover to spill his thoughts out all over the place. She hears without judgment. She doesn't take it personally, nor feel she has to change what she thinks, nor what she chooses to do. She does take into consideration what he has to say.
What this latter woman finds extremely difficult to do is claim her rightful place in the relationship. She avoids speaking what she thinks. She knows his reaction will possibly be monumental. I think you know what I mean. She would rather not deal with it. After all, nothing will change for her having spoken up, or so she thinks. If this relationship is to go any deeper, I ask this woman to trust herself to take care of herself WHEN she talks about what she thinks, feels, believes. She can say anything at all to him, because she is not saying it to change him in any way. That is the way people communicate in a healthy relationship. As she is willing to do so, she is preparing the nest of relationship as a safe haven for both.
As long as you are in a relationship, it is never too late to build more intimacy. If you have been the one talking, please work on becoming a better listener, on allowing autonomy for both. If you have been the one accused of never "communicating", start today. Stick with "I"statements, and no matter what your partner says in return, remind yourself that nothing has to change except your becoming a full-partner. Whatever you say, you may repeat what you say just once: "I think, I feel, I believe, I would like, what I want . . ." Give your loved one permission to disagree, to feel differently, to believe contrarily, to say "No".
Something will change if you put these suggestions into operation, I promise. You will feel empowered, and you will have taken the first steps into real love and intimacy.
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