HOW TO LIVE HAPPILY WITH OTHERS

These are my husband's Crocs sitting on the patio. They made me smile. A number of years ago when Al was often in the yard working on the new landscape we had planted, when he came in he would leave his shoes on the porch, in front, or on the back deck. He never brought them in. Sometimes he would leave them on the mat, so if you went out you either stepped on them or over them.

Early on I would say, "Honey, you left your shoes outside, do you want me to bring them in?" He would sigh, get up, grab the shoes and drop them right inside the door. I remember saying on another occasion, "Honey, when you leave your shoes right in the path I either have to step on them or over them." He responded as if I'd yelled at him, jumping up, grabbing the shoes and throwing them to the side. These kind of responses don't make sense to me, though it is obvious that no matter how I broached this matter it made him feel like I was a critical parent.

When I don't know what to do, I ask myself how I can be most loving until the way becomes clear. I let the shoes pile up! I let go of caring about it no matter how inconvenienced I felt when the shoes were in my way. As one of my teachers, Greg Baer, says, "You can live with it and love it, or you can live with it and hate it, or you can leave." Those are your only choices. I was hating it -- and that is not how I care to live.

When Al would leave on a trip (he's an airline pilot), I would pick up all his shoes, making it a gift by having a loving attitude as I took this task upon myself. But one day, after putting the shoes away, looking out on the empty deck, I thought, "You know, if anything were to happen to Al, those shoes are what I would miss." I never put the shoes away or mentioned them to him again. Now it is just the one pair outside. I love them there.