A HOW-TO ON LOVE

Often, when people consult me about their relationship, they have come to hate the spouse, parent, child, friend, boss. The thought of being so hateful is anathema to most of us, and so we deny it. Almost everyone else can see it or hear it when we are talking about what is going on. We cannot.

What a dilemma! I think the hope is that I will help them to change the other person, or help them have the courage to leave. No one wishes to continue to live miserably. I set them on a different path, one that is not easy, but is seriously tried-and-true.

I believe that what we are all really seeking is to be loved by Someone who knows us intimately -- without asking us to change. When I present the idea, most people agree. If they can accept that they are loved by God in just that way, we can begin. Sometimes I ask, "Who would YOU rather be?" I may ask as well, "What if I said to you that YOU must become more like, or perhaps exactly like this person of whom you despair?"

My conclusion from these conversations is that not only is their a Force in the Cosmos that knows us and loves us unconditionally, but we also love ourselves more than we know. We want to be free of judgment and condemnation, yet we continue to judge and condemn the people whom we ought most to love.

Please don't deny it by minimizing the harm done when you cross your arms over your chest and roll your eyes, or speak in clipped words, or avoid calling your mother. Label all unloving action for what it is: hateful and spiteful. Now, please drop the blame. As I said to the woman I first helped with her relationship issues, "I'm talking to you alone, not Enrique. If I were talking to him, I could give him this assignment. The good news is you have the power to do these things without his knowing a thing about your efforts. That is how loving unconditionally works."

Many people have put into action a few, simple suggestions (instructions?), and in every case there has been healing -- for them. Many times relationships have ended up so happy as to astound. My own for one. On occasion, after working on what one brings to the relationship and letting go of needing anything in return, someone chooses to divorce, or in some way let the relationship go -- but they have felt they were transformed for their future; they were able to leave in a loving manner.

Do this: Demonstrate loving behavior always, even when it is hard. Lay down all your defenses, including excuses and explanations for your choices. Just stop. You can say what YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU BELIEVE -- just let go of needing something or someone to change because of what you say. You can ASK for what you want (remember, you have no need from others since God, you, and others you may ask can take care of those things). Allow everyone to enjoy these freedoms as well. That means you too can say, "No," no excuse or explanation required.

Speak kindly, and more importantly -- listen without having to respond. Think about what it is you feel you need from your partner, parent, child, friend, co-workers. Figure if it matters to you, YOU can bring it to them.

You may not feel loving right away when you take this spiritual path, but if you turn back, it will be worse for you and those whom you would choose to love. If you do not turn back, though you may have missteps, I PROMISE that you will find complete fulfillment. You will come to understand what God's love really means.