We were talking about self-care, being responsible for oneself. A friend, concerned about her grown son's seeming lack of direction, told me a thought arose from somewhere within: Think of him as a fellow traveler, rather than as an extension of you.
We fear for those we love. We care about their happiness. Mistakenly, we believe the choices others make, somehow, reflect on us.
Self-esteem is not something you can give to others. There is only one way self-esteem is achieved, and that is from feeling good about one's decisions and actions. If judged, critiqued, admonished, rescued from situations and regularly advised, it is not possible to gain a foothold on one's own life path! The way to self-love is through accepting responsibility for one's own life. Living one's life true to one's highest and best self brings about high self-esteem.
Love others enough to allow them to take care of themselves as they so choose.
Try this: Listen actively by mirroring back what is said to you; be sure you understand. "I hear you saying that you have tried everything to get a job and there are no jobs to be had." "Yes!"
Ask, "How do you feel about that?" Ask, "What do you think you will do?"
THE HARD PART! Unless asked for your advice, don't give any. Speak empowering words such as, "I'm sure you'll figure it out,"...."You make good decisions. And what I have learned is that if I don't like the decision I make, I can make a new decision that may work out better for me."
It is always okay to share our own experiences and life-lessons. It is appropriate to talk about what we think concerning ourselves. When we share what we feel and what has happened to us, that is intimacy. To permit another to share what they think, feel, believe, or have experienced without judgment is nurturing.
It is difficult to let go of others to make their own choices. Everyone has the right to their own choices. Here are words that will help you to let go: "I'll trust you to take care of yourself." "If there is anything I can do, please ask." "I love and care about you."
