FIRST THINGS FIRST

Everyone experiences conflict and falls occasionally into power struggles in their relationships. A little humor was added at the end of the wedding ceremony when my son married. The minister turned to the bride and said, "He's the boss of you." Her mouth dropped open in shock, and she was actually speechless. It was a great joke, and been repeated as a gentle reminder by the spouses whenever one or the other feels pressured by the other -- "You're not the boss of me," they'll say with a smile or a smirk ;-D.

I think I've written it before: each individual has a right to make their choices. Of course we take into account how our decisions affect others. When taking a personal inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous we are encouraged to ask the following....

Where have I been selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful -- inconsiderate?

Had your buttons pushed lately? Think about your initial reaction when someone close "pushes a button". We all know what that means, because we remember the feeling of defensiveness that immediately arises under those familiar circumstances. It isn't the right thing to do, deliberately say or do something you know will be taken badly, I think we can all agree about that. So, first things first, STOP doing that! Each person gets to make their own choices, and if your choice is to create more loving relationships then it is you who must begin the process by making all your choices loving and considerate.

A. A. elaborates on how to live a 12-Step program in a book called The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, informally known as "The 12-and-12". "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

First things first. Quiet the disturbance. When your buttons are pushed, you know it. You may have a general feeling of unease that you too easily dismiss. Proceeding at this point, you know what happens -- before you know it, you're in disagreement, conflict, your emotions are heightened. You may never mean to, but too often you end up saying something you regret.

The conflict may be resolved again and again, but emotional safety in the relationship is not easily restored. The result is we react instantly when that button is pushed the next time. "Sorry" alone is not a preventative. Learning how to FIRST, QUIET THE DISTURBANCE is the only remedy to this repeated pattern of behavior.

So, there are two steps, simple to take once you know what they are, and have decided

you really and truly do want to have more loving relationships 1.) Decide now, for the future, "I will never again deliberately hurt another person." 2.) When negative emotions rise in you, quiet the disturbance.

In the beginning, you may falter. Patterns of behavior are not easily changed. Someone will do or say something that has been "unacceptable" to you for a long, long time. You may strike back in a way you have before (a defensive behavior); or, you may withdraw in "silent scorn" as they call it in A. A. (also a defensive behavior). Decide NOW that when that happens, you will remember your vow never again to deliberately hurt another person -- yes, that means even if you feel they deserve it and you are fully justified! Where has that ever got you before but back to square one? STOP! Right in the middle of it -- just as soon as you are aware that you are uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is going, or, if it's too late for that and you're shouting -- it doesn't matter. What matters is that you STOP at that moment you become aware of your own negative emotions. STOP! You need never be "sorry" again if you simply begin to STOP where you can. It gets easier.

Quieting your own negative emotions is a learning process as well. There are many remedies. Prayer works. "God, help me," repeated to yourself over and over until you are calm works. Counting to ten over and over again until you can make a better "next move" works. I have to remove myself from what's happening, physically, if possible. I try to do that gently, kindly -- because any other way is inconsiderate of how my leaving affects another! When I can't physically separate myself from a storm-a-comin', I have learned to keep my mouth SHUT and a Mona Lisa smile on my face. It's kind of funny when I am in that position, the other person seems to be compelled to continue adding to their initial offensive remark. Holy cow, if I hadn't developed a sense of humor I'd be sunk! Having control over myself is the pay-off, but I will admit that in the beginning of my loving-practice, I couldn't have done it.

In the beginning, try one of my other lessons: Hold your hand up in the universal sign of: STOP. Smile, though. That's how you learn to actually be considerate of another's feelings. You do want them to stop their part of what's brewing, but you do not have control over their choice to actually do so. Make the request ("Talk to the hand."), but do it with a loving, gentle smile. That takes the sting out of your part.

How to Be a Friend

Here I am with my friend Karol Balbin when I visited her in Germany in November 2008. We have been friends for thirty years now, nearly half my life. It is my longest friendship. Karol taught me what it means to be a friend.

I have met many people in my life, growing up an Air Force brat, and made friends. But I never learned the art of nurturing friendships. Once we said goodbye, I would eventually lose touch. Many of my friends' names I have forgotten now.

Karol and I became friends when our husbands were stationed at Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville, NC. The four of us socialized, and we gals got together with the Officer's Wives Club, for lunch and shopping. I got to share in the joy of her first daughter's birth. When our family transferred to Hawaii and the Balbin's to Illinois, we kept in touch with letters, and I flew to visit once. Karol flew to Florida to see me a few years later. We were busy with our separate lives and interests, but our friendship remained important to us. We had a heart connection. Every time we've talked or spent time with each other it was as if we had lived next door all that time.

I've pondered the endurance and strength of our friendship which, for me, has grown more meaningful over these years. We have always spoken honestly and openly with each other, sharing from the heart. Secrets shared were sacred trusts. We've talked about painful struggles we've undergone as children, as wives, and as mothers. We have different beliefs (way different!) but we don't fight! I pray for Karol and her family, and I know she does the same for me. We don't need to be in touch to know that we are loved deeply.

I have other friendships that are greatly significant to me today which have come from my learning how to be a friend with Karol Balbin. Friendships start with some common ground. They grow in the fertile soil of trusting, trustworthiness, integrity, acceptance, and caring about the other's happiness. Laughter is fertilizer, tears and a comforting shoulder to lean on are like rain on a garden. Commitment even when apart, even when much changes is like the farmer rotating crops and tilling the soil. Unconditional love is the sunshine that makes a friendship flower.

Anam cara, I learned from a book by the same name, is Celtic for "soul friend". Author John O'Donohue writes that this is a person "to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging." Nothing needs to change, and many things may change, I have named you my friend and pledged my love and bond forever.