FIRST THINGS FIRST

Everyone experiences conflict and falls occasionally into power struggles in their relationships. A little humor was added at the end of the wedding ceremony when my son married. The minister turned to the bride and said, "He's the boss of you." Her mouth dropped open in shock, and she was actually speechless. It was a great joke, and been repeated as a gentle reminder by the spouses whenever one or the other feels pressured by the other -- "You're not the boss of me," they'll say with a smile or a smirk ;-D.

I think I've written it before: each individual has a right to make their choices. Of course we take into account how our decisions affect others. When taking a personal inventory in Alcoholics Anonymous we are encouraged to ask the following....

Where have I been selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, dishonest, fearful -- inconsiderate?

Had your buttons pushed lately? Think about your initial reaction when someone close "pushes a button". We all know what that means, because we remember the feeling of defensiveness that immediately arises under those familiar circumstances. It isn't the right thing to do, deliberately say or do something you know will be taken badly, I think we can all agree about that. So, first things first, STOP doing that! Each person gets to make their own choices, and if your choice is to create more loving relationships then it is you who must begin the process by making all your choices loving and considerate.

A. A. elaborates on how to live a 12-Step program in a book called The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, informally known as "The 12-and-12". "It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

First things first. Quiet the disturbance. When your buttons are pushed, you know it. You may have a general feeling of unease that you too easily dismiss. Proceeding at this point, you know what happens -- before you know it, you're in disagreement, conflict, your emotions are heightened. You may never mean to, but too often you end up saying something you regret.

The conflict may be resolved again and again, but emotional safety in the relationship is not easily restored. The result is we react instantly when that button is pushed the next time. "Sorry" alone is not a preventative. Learning how to FIRST, QUIET THE DISTURBANCE is the only remedy to this repeated pattern of behavior.

So, there are two steps, simple to take once you know what they are, and have decided

you really and truly do want to have more loving relationships 1.) Decide now, for the future, "I will never again deliberately hurt another person." 2.) When negative emotions rise in you, quiet the disturbance.

In the beginning, you may falter. Patterns of behavior are not easily changed. Someone will do or say something that has been "unacceptable" to you for a long, long time. You may strike back in a way you have before (a defensive behavior); or, you may withdraw in "silent scorn" as they call it in A. A. (also a defensive behavior). Decide NOW that when that happens, you will remember your vow never again to deliberately hurt another person -- yes, that means even if you feel they deserve it and you are fully justified! Where has that ever got you before but back to square one? STOP! Right in the middle of it -- just as soon as you are aware that you are uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is going, or, if it's too late for that and you're shouting -- it doesn't matter. What matters is that you STOP at that moment you become aware of your own negative emotions. STOP! You need never be "sorry" again if you simply begin to STOP where you can. It gets easier.

Quieting your own negative emotions is a learning process as well. There are many remedies. Prayer works. "God, help me," repeated to yourself over and over until you are calm works. Counting to ten over and over again until you can make a better "next move" works. I have to remove myself from what's happening, physically, if possible. I try to do that gently, kindly -- because any other way is inconsiderate of how my leaving affects another! When I can't physically separate myself from a storm-a-comin', I have learned to keep my mouth SHUT and a Mona Lisa smile on my face. It's kind of funny when I am in that position, the other person seems to be compelled to continue adding to their initial offensive remark. Holy cow, if I hadn't developed a sense of humor I'd be sunk! Having control over myself is the pay-off, but I will admit that in the beginning of my loving-practice, I couldn't have done it.

In the beginning, try one of my other lessons: Hold your hand up in the universal sign of: STOP. Smile, though. That's how you learn to actually be considerate of another's feelings. You do want them to stop their part of what's brewing, but you do not have control over their choice to actually do so. Make the request ("Talk to the hand."), but do it with a loving, gentle smile. That takes the sting out of your part.

FORTUNE COOKIE WISDOM

A mahjong app I have on my cell phone rewards a win with tongue-in-cheek fortune cookie wisdom. When this one presented itself, however, the intended irony missed its mark with me! "A problem will present itself to your solution," it read.

"Yes, it will," I laughed to myself. I often say that there is a spiritual solution to every problem, and that every spiritual principle is anchored in unconditional love. Love that desires nothing from another nor from a situation is the solution. In other words, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE for me to live in the solution of Love.

A couple struggling to make their relationship work in the face of mounting conflict met with me recently. I usually begin by sharing my vision for a healthy, loving relationship -- what it will "look like" when we get there! Therefore, I suggested that anything they might have in mind to bring to me as a problem wait until I finished my presentation. When I've done this in the past, quite often a couple will look at each other afterward and smile or laugh, because whatever recent squabble they've had, making them feel hopeless about staying together, they realize in the Light of Love is no problem at all. In this particular case, and not at all unusual, one-half of the couple was determined to discuss the argument au courant.

Stuck in the problem, believing he was right and had been wronged by his spouse, no progress could be made in resolving the issue. Past promises made to love each other through thick and thin were now merely a contract to be dissolved through divorce.

I think the real problem is how we view love. If love means adjustment to the beloved's preferences, which of the beloved gets to have his or her way? Everyone laughs at the tee-shirt "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," yet I have seen women wear it proudly. If love is dependent on feeling love for each other, the relationship is under constant threat and there is no emotional safety.

The words of St. Paul in I Corinthians 13 gives clarity to the meaning of real love in The Message/Remix Biblical translation. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head. Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

For me and countless others who enjoy healthy relationships, these are not an ideal, rather they guide our action in living with others. They undergird the commitment we have made when we said we would love each other "until death do us part." We do not have to agree, nor have the same living habits. We can make mistakes that in some way impact each other. We may be thoughtless, even habitually inconsiderate. Real love understands human frailty. It never holds a grudge.

To begin living a truly loving life takes practice. Imagine you make the decision to love that One, perhaps already someone with whom you planed to love for life (To thee I bequeath all my worldly goods, etc.). First, try reminding yourself daily, "I love myself today, just as I am. I do not have to change." Learning to love oneself and take responsibility for one's own well-being even within a committed relationship is a requirement of Real Love. If I can't love myself even though I'm totally disorganized and have piles of this and that all over the living room, am often late and forget to call to assure you I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere, and dent the car on a regular basis, how am I going to love you when you are a neat-freak to the point of being anal, have a "thing" about never being late, and your car still has a "new car" smell after three years?

After a month of learning to love yourself, daily say, "I love ___________ just as he/she is today. He/she doesn't have to change."

These are obviously mere exercises to shake us loose from the old and false ideas we hold concerning love. Our practice must expand, and that happens gradually as our understanding increases. "You did what! I told you not to touch that savings account without discussing it with me first!" "It's my money as much as yours and I had to make a quick decision then and there!" STOP!!! STOP. You actually can, with determination and improved effort STOP fighting. Your feelings are your entirely your responsibility. Withdraw from whatever the conflict is and FIX YOUR FEELINGS YOURSELF. Nothing has to change. Nothing is likely to change when partners in a relationship have negative emotions controlling what happens next. Reflect on the past and I'm sure you'll agree.

In every situation that arises, feelings, as they say, are not facts, so address them in some healthy reparative way, such as through prayer, taking a long walk, talking to a wise friend or counselor. As soon as possible -- and possibly BEFORE you even "feel better" -- BEHAVE LOVINGLY. You may say in a loving tone, "I'm upset about this, so I'm going to go take care of my feelings before saying more." You may never feel able to discuss something that has occurred and upset you! But you can return to loving behavior with your beloved. What's done is done, and likely if it's a pattern with the one you have chosen to love, it will happen again!

Nothing has to change with the other, with the situation in which I may not like or agree with, for me to demonstrate love through a kind voice, an affectionate gesture, a willingness to open my heart and my arms to my beloved when he turns to me for love and comfort.

Problems are an inevitable part of our daily lives. Apply Love.

HOMILY FOR A WEDDING

On May 21, 2011, our daughter Shannon Mullins Button married John Bosserman in Culpeper, Virginia. It was early in the evening on the large patio behind John's mother's home. The panoramic view with the Blue Ridge Mountains as backdrop was astonishingly beautiful as was the bride standing beside her handsome husband-to-be. Their four children, Kylen (16), Claire (14), Jenny (13), bridesmaids, and David (15) the best man, stood beaming with the couple. The family that were there have spoken of the joy felt at this uniting of two into one, especially so well expressed by young David Bosserman who gave such a beautiful toast at the reception that no one else dared follow with another. I wish I had that on tape.

John's elder brother, The Rev. Thomas Bosserman, officiated. His words touched us all that day, and I asked if I might share them with readers of my blog on love and relationship. I am close to tears even now as I remember him speaking to the children concerning their embarking into their second chance at marriage. Here is what Tom said.

Shannon and John, may all the blessings of God be yours this day. You have invited us as your family to witness your covenant of marriage and to celebrate your new beginnings as husband and wife, and as a larger family. At the same time, it is you who share a special witness with us, for you come to this moment not as two starry-eyed young people leaving home for the first time to build a new life with one another. You stand here as two wise and mature adults who have walked some distance down life's unpredictable road. You already know what it is to be married, to make a home and to raise children. You know the joy and comfort there can be in the husband-wife relationship, having another to fill your loneliness, to share your dreams, and to bring warmth and wonder to even the most ordinary of days.

You know too that in the pursuit of life's good gifts, we all encounter some disappointment, some suffering and heartache. It is only natural. We are human beings after all, people with differing personalities and gifts, shaped by differing family and life experiences, by both great expectations and great limitations which we bring to our relationships. And marriage is the creative and always imperfect adventure of sharing who we are with a loved and trusted companion.

Your marriage today is your witness to us that your friendship and love is WORTH THE RISK AND WORK OF MARRIAGE....

The readings you have chosen reflect hopes for your shared life. JAMES CAVANAUGH'S insight is that a good marriage is one in which the partners are free to be who they really are, not possessing, but supporting each other. A marriage counselor friend of mine likes to quip, "When two people marry they become one -- we just don't know which one!" And he means that marriage can have a kind of missionary accent -- to convert the other to one's own way of thinking and acting. That is an attempt to minimize differences and the anxiety that differences can create. But a vital marriage is one in which differences are valued and nurtured. A vital marriage is one in which the unique personhood of the partners is respected, in which each partner seeks to bring the other to a richer, fuller life. And that, of course, requires mutual encouragement, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and honest communication.

I want to share with you the witness and encouragement of my own experience, and the experience of countless other people of faith, that we do not undertake this adventure of love simply on our own power. GOD IS THE WELLSPRING OF LOVE and therefore part of your union. That is the message of the scripture from THE LETTER OF JOHN. And with God there is an abiding source of strength and renewal. God continues to nurture the power of love, to adorn and beautify, to transform and hallow the human heart and human relationships. And the great promise of God, embodied by Jesus and articulated so powerfully by St. Paul, is that there is nothing in all creation, nothing in life or in death, that shall ever be able to separate us from the love of God. This is what makes love eternal.

So, John and Shannon, build a life together on your love and promises. Build a marriage to hold your hearts and free your spirits. Build it with dreams and with caring, with patience, understanding and forgiveness, with a lifelong faithfulness to one another and a trust in the promise of God for you. And know that our love and our prayers accompany you this day and always. AMEN.