How to Be a Friend

Here I am with my friend Karol Balbin when I visited her in Germany in November 2008. We have been friends for thirty years now, nearly half my life. It is my longest friendship. Karol taught me what it means to be a friend.

I have met many people in my life, growing up an Air Force brat, and made friends. But I never learned the art of nurturing friendships. Once we said goodbye, I would eventually lose touch. Many of my friends' names I have forgotten now.

Karol and I became friends when our husbands were stationed at Pope Air Force Base in Fayetteville, NC. The four of us socialized, and we gals got together with the Officer's Wives Club, for lunch and shopping. I got to share in the joy of her first daughter's birth. When our family transferred to Hawaii and the Balbin's to Illinois, we kept in touch with letters, and I flew to visit once. Karol flew to Florida to see me a few years later. We were busy with our separate lives and interests, but our friendship remained important to us. We had a heart connection. Every time we've talked or spent time with each other it was as if we had lived next door all that time.

I've pondered the endurance and strength of our friendship which, for me, has grown more meaningful over these years. We have always spoken honestly and openly with each other, sharing from the heart. Secrets shared were sacred trusts. We've talked about painful struggles we've undergone as children, as wives, and as mothers. We have different beliefs (way different!) but we don't fight! I pray for Karol and her family, and I know she does the same for me. We don't need to be in touch to know that we are loved deeply.

I have other friendships that are greatly significant to me today which have come from my learning how to be a friend with Karol Balbin. Friendships start with some common ground. They grow in the fertile soil of trusting, trustworthiness, integrity, acceptance, and caring about the other's happiness. Laughter is fertilizer, tears and a comforting shoulder to lean on are like rain on a garden. Commitment even when apart, even when much changes is like the farmer rotating crops and tilling the soil. Unconditional love is the sunshine that makes a friendship flower.

Anam cara, I learned from a book by the same name, is Celtic for "soul friend". Author John O'Donohue writes that this is a person "to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging." Nothing needs to change, and many things may change, I have named you my friend and pledged my love and bond forever.