CAN'T? OR WON'T?

I want the loving way to be possible for my clients -- for YOU, my readers.  I've had twenty years of practice, learning more as new situations and people cross my path.  I've learned from those under my tutelage as they apply what I teach in the ways they do.  

Keep it simple.  Remember love.  Let love be your only option.  You can say anything you want to say, even "Goodbye" in a gentle voice, considerate of the pain that may cause the one you are leaving.  You can make any decision concerning yourself without explaining the reasons or defending your right to do so.  Be firm, but kind.  Others may not understand and may suffer, so be tolerant of their agony while they learn to take care of their feelings.  If you are but consistently loving and caring, you will find the path remains solidly underfoot.

Shelby said to me, "I'm trying, Koz, but I can't!"  "Shelby," I said, "Change that can't to a won't."  She didn't want to do that.  And, why not?  I think she and others who continue to use the word can't have an inner-knowing that to say won't confirms they actually can.  

I'm insistent.  "Say it, Shelby.  I don't care what you do, but own the God-given power you have to live lovingly or be the problem here."  

I have said on more than one occasion, "Leave if you want to, but tell the truth.  When you leave, say it's because YOU are not yet loving enough to stay and live with the way things are."  

I remember it was my brother Patrick who first suggested I change my can't to a won't.  I had always been particularly resistant to any advice from my middle brother.  From the help I'd been getting in treatment for codependency, I realized I could give him what I had recently identified as something I wanted.  It's called "active listening"; I mirrored back what I heard him say.  "So, you think I should say 'won't' whenever I am saying 'can't'?"  He said, "Do it right now."  

My brother was more than surprised when I let him guide me.  I took that suggestion then, and it literally changed my life from that point.  To this day, if the word can't comes out of my mouth, I immediately change it.  It is now in my power to CHOOSE.  The situation or person involved has nothing to do with whether I WILL or I WON'T.  Power.  Choose what God (or your higher and best self) would have you to:  Love.